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[Dwarmin]

http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=153329.0 <--OP.

Feedback appreciated.

[Harry Baldman]

Seems a bit overly purple, but that could just be me.

Also, Agris' legs aren't paralyzed. They're missing entirely. Partly severed and mangled in a drunken accident, then amputated.

[Dwarmin]

Phantom limb syndrome?

[Dwarmin]

Seems a bit overly purple, but that could just be me.

I dunno, was it too hard to read? Should I cut the fluff? I notice I did overload a bit on the descriptive text...

I was trying to describe emotions I personally have no words for. It was the best a meager writer like myself could mean. I mean, I was feeling like 11 pounds of dank in a 10 pound sack today. I exorcised my demons with excessive prose.

[GiglameshDespair]

I liked it, for what that's worth.
Had character.

[Twinwolf]

The green is a bit bright for default, but otherwise I liked it.

[Harry Baldman]

I dunno, was it too hard to read? Should I cut the fluff? I notice I did overload a bit on the descriptive text...

I was trying to describe emotions I personally have no words for. It was the best a meager writer like myself could mean. I mean, I was feeling like 11 pounds of dank in a 10 pound sack today. I exorcised my demons with excessive prose.

Perhaps 'overly purple' isn't quite the right word. It more gives off a vibe of an overly smug Lemony-style narrative (I know, I'm certainly one to talk, but still). Might want to tone it down a little. Set the mood rather than beat people over the head with the mood, you know.

[Fniff]

I thought it made sense for the character that seemed to be narrating it. But perhaps it would be best if toned down. Some parts did sound like the regular World of Darkness fluff hits on crack.

I'd recommend looking at some (good) urban fantasy books and maybe Stephen King. I find those excellent for setting a WoD-ish mood.

[Dwarmin]

Yeah, what do you think I have been reading for inspiration?

Still-I will to plant less flowery text.

It might be a bit difficult, as I'm not exactly narrating for players-I'm speaking for an unseen narrator, telling a story to an unknown audience, recollected from first hand accounts from shadowy subjects, that were recorded by a mysterious author...

[GiglameshDespair]

And then it all was a dream

[Twinwolf]

Also, do I sense some Bioshock: Infinite in Alice's mission?

[Fniff]

I see, Dwarmin. Well, the only way to succeed is practice. A lot.
... And punctually.
... This is a hint to have speedy updates.

Also, do I sense some Bioshock: Infinite in Alice's mission?

If so, I worry that we will have to deal with the World of Darkness's answer to Songbird.

[Twinwolf]

It's the whole "Bring the girl" bit. Diane = Elizabeth, Alice = Booker in this case. Probably without the whole inter-dimensional stuff.

Unless by some string of events Diane ends up with dimensional powers.

[Fniff]

Unless by some string of events Diane ends up with dimensional powers.

Not as unlikely as you'd think. Off the top of my head there's mages, werewolves, sin-eaters, and geniuses if you're adding in Genius the Transgression (Which you should, it's one of the best fan sourcebooks ever).

So, Diane could end up getting limited dimension-hopping powers. Nothing like Elizabeth's, but still.

[Twinwolf]

I know, that's why I didn't add "Highly unlikely" in there.