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Author Topic: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (Full for now)  (Read 6308 times)

Dwarmin

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #60 on: September 29, 2015, 01:18:30 pm »

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Harry Baldman

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #61 on: September 29, 2015, 05:22:06 pm »

Seems a bit overly purple, but that could just be me.

Also, Agris' legs aren't paralyzed. They're missing entirely. Partly severed and mangled in a drunken accident, then amputated.
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Dwarmin

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #62 on: September 29, 2015, 05:23:48 pm »

Phantom limb syndrome? :P
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Dwarmin

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #63 on: September 29, 2015, 05:35:40 pm »

Seems a bit overly purple, but that could just be me.

I dunno, was it too hard to read? Should I cut the fluff? I notice I did overload a bit on the descriptive text...

I was trying to describe emotions I personally have no words for. It was the best a meager writer like myself could mean. I mean, I was feeling like 11 pounds of dank in a 10 pound sack today. I exorcised my demons with excessive prose.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #64 on: September 29, 2015, 05:39:03 pm »

I liked it, for what that's worth.
Had character.
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Twinwolf

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #65 on: September 29, 2015, 05:40:58 pm »

The green is a bit bright for default, but otherwise I liked it.
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Harry Baldman

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #66 on: September 29, 2015, 05:52:49 pm »

I dunno, was it too hard to read? Should I cut the fluff? I notice I did overload a bit on the descriptive text...

I was trying to describe emotions I personally have no words for. It was the best a meager writer like myself could mean. I mean, I was feeling like 11 pounds of dank in a 10 pound sack today. I exorcised my demons with excessive prose.

Perhaps 'overly purple' isn't quite the right word. It more gives off a vibe of an overly smug Lemony-style narrative (I know, I'm certainly one to talk, but still). Might want to tone it down a little. Set the mood rather than beat people over the head with the mood, you know.
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Fniff

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #67 on: September 29, 2015, 05:58:06 pm »

I thought it made sense for the character that seemed to be narrating it. But perhaps it would be best if toned down. Some parts did sound like the regular World of Darkness fluff hits on crack.

I'd recommend looking at some (good) urban fantasy books and maybe Stephen King. I find those excellent for setting a WoD-ish mood.

Dwarmin

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #68 on: September 29, 2015, 06:06:23 pm »

Yeah, what do you think I have been reading for inspiration? :P

Still-I will to plant less flowery text.

It might be a bit difficult, as I'm not exactly narrating for players-I'm speaking for an unseen narrator, telling a story to an unknown audience, recollected from first hand accounts from shadowy subjects, that were recorded by a mysterious author...
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #69 on: September 29, 2015, 06:07:51 pm »

And then it all was a dream
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Twinwolf

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #70 on: September 29, 2015, 06:09:28 pm »

Also, do I sense some Bioshock: Infinite in Alice's mission?
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Of course, Twin is neither man nor woman but an unholy eldritch abomination like every other Bay12er. The difference is they hide it better.
Quote from: Caellath on IRC
<Caellath>: Twinwolf, your thirst for blood has been noted.

Fniff

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #71 on: September 29, 2015, 06:16:47 pm »

I see, Dwarmin. Well, the only way to succeed is practice. A lot.
... And punctually.
... This is a hint to have speedy updates. :P

Also, do I sense some Bioshock: Infinite in Alice's mission?
If so, I worry that we will have to deal with the World of Darkness's answer to Songbird.

Twinwolf

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #72 on: September 29, 2015, 06:21:07 pm »

It's the whole "Bring the girl" bit. Diane = Elizabeth, Alice = Booker in this case. Probably without the whole inter-dimensional stuff.

Unless by some string of events Diane ends up with dimensional powers.
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Of course, Twin is neither man nor woman but an unholy eldritch abomination like every other Bay12er. The difference is they hide it better.
Quote from: Caellath on IRC
<Caellath>: Twinwolf, your thirst for blood has been noted.

Fniff

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #73 on: September 29, 2015, 06:27:44 pm »

Unless by some string of events Diane ends up with dimensional powers.
Not as unlikely as you'd think. Off the top of my head there's mages, werewolves, sin-eaters, and geniuses if you're adding in Genius the Transgression (Which you should, it's one of the best fan sourcebooks ever).

So, Diane could end up getting limited dimension-hopping powers. Nothing like Elizabeth's, but still.

Twinwolf

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Re: World of Darkness RPG-Test Chapter/Interest Check (0/~ players)
« Reply #74 on: September 29, 2015, 06:28:30 pm »

I know, that's why I didn't add "Highly unlikely" in there.
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Sigtext!
Of course, Twin is neither man nor woman but an unholy eldritch abomination like every other Bay12er. The difference is they hide it better.
Quote from: Caellath on IRC
<Caellath>: Twinwolf, your thirst for blood has been noted.
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