Ok, me and my friend last year during gym class all year discussed this awesome universe that we have for a book series.
1) Phrasing is altogether awkward. Word order suggests English is not your native language.
2) Incorrect use of "me." This is a case where "I" is the correct choice. The simple test is to remove the other party and see if the sentence still works. For example: "Me discussed this awesome universe" is obviously incorrect.
3) "Last year, all year" reads poorly.
4) Several words are redundant.
5) Questionable word choice: "universe". Technically correct, but reads poorly.
6) Mixed time tense: "Last year" "we have"
7) I'm not sure how to reconcile "all last year" with "during gym class"
Note that using "my friend" instead of "a friend" implies that you only have one friend. Your phrasing is acceptable common-use, but consider avoiding it.
Try:
"Over the past year a friend and I have been discussing an awesome idea we have for a book series."
Alternately, if you'd prefer to soften the introduction, as you attempted with "ok" try:
"So for the past year a friend and I have been discussing this awesome idea we have for a book series."
He is great at writing books with dialogue and really getting you interested in what the characters are saying and the political struggles that are happening in the world.
1) You appear to be stating that your friend writes books. Is that what you intended? Your friend writes books? Really?
2) "with dialogue" adds nothing to the sentence, and is redundant with "what the character are saying." Yes, books tend to have dialogue. You don't need to tell us that. Additionally, the mention of "what the characters are saying" makes it especially clear that yes, the material you're talking about does in fact have dialogue. You don't need to tell us twice.
3) Don't string together clauses with "and." You don't need to compact everything into a single sentence.
Try:
"He's a great writer. His dialogue is fantastic, his characters are interesting, and he has this way of really getting you interested in the political struggles going on in his stories."
Much like Star Trek is not based on the action but more the deliberation over the action.
1) "Much like" causes a rough transition from the previous sentence. You appear to be stating that the manner in which Star Trek focuses on deliberation rather than action
resembles...something to do with dialogue and political struggles. It's unclear.
2) I'm not sure "deliberation" is really what you intended.
3) "on the action" and "over the action": Avoid repeating word choice multiple times within the same sentence.
4) Why are you bringing Star Trek into this? Tell us what it's like. The external reference will fall flat on any reader who isn't familiar with the material. Actually, I'm not sure what this sentence adds to the paragraph at all. Your post isn't about Star Trek, and the previous sentence was generally stronger. Ending a weak note detracts from the overall message. I suggest either continuing what you were talking about, or striking this sentence completely
I am bad at writing, period.
1) Acceptable emphatic, but note that this is a significant speech style indicator. That's not a bad thing, but be aware of it.
2) Why are you avoiding contractions?
I write out a whole chapter then when I re-read it I realize that it reads like crap and I delete it.
1) "Crap" is a social class indicator. Generally best avoided unless you're deliberately using it to provide characterization.
2) Your time tense is consistent within the sentence, but is contextually mismatched within the paragraph. You're not actually speaking about something you're doing
right now. You're talking about something that you've done in the past. Why are you using present tense?
3) "re-read it" "it reads": Avoid repeating word choice multiple times within the same sentence.
I don't know how to get better because we both love the universe that we have and would love to make books even if they are only to show to each other but he is the only one of us that can write.
1) Run-on sentence. That should be at least two, and maybe three sentences.
2) You're not at all saying what you mean. The fact that you "both love the universe" is
not the reason that you "don't know how to get better. You appear to be stating that it is.
3) "love the" and "love to": Stop repeating your word choices. You're doing it in every sentence.
4) Using "that" as a pronoun to refer to your friend implies that he's an inanimate object. Common error.
Suggest:
"We both love the universe and I'd like to contribute to it, but he's the only one of the two of us who can write. Unfortunately, I don't know how to improve."
Everywhere I look I get no advice on how to actually work on it, I don't want a get-good-quick tip I want a way to work on it and notice the mistakes that I am making and what makes it sound like crap.
1) Awkward phrasing: "Everywhere I look I get no"
2) Run-on sentence. Don't string unrelated clauses together with commas.
3) Why are you avoiding contractions?
4) You're not saying what you mean. For example, you probably don't really want advice on "how to work on it." "Working on it" is not your goal.
Improving is your goal.
5) Once again, you're repeating expressions within a sentence: "actually work on it" and "way to work on it" Also "I am making" and "makes it". Stop repeating yourself.
6) "Crap" is a class indicator. Avoid it.
7) "mistakes that I am" --> "that" is unnecessary
I question whether what you're saying is actually what you mean. Are you really receiving no advice? Or are you receiving advice that isn't helpful? Those are different things. What exactly do you mean when you say you "want a way to notice mistakes"? I'm not sure what you're asking for. Do you want someone to point out mistakes? Are you saying you want to "be better at noticing" so that you can see the mistakes on your own without help? If it's a problem in ability to notice, then why are you deleting entire chapters? If you really didn't notice anything was wrong, why would you do that? I don't think this is an issue of noticing at all. Why are you saying that it is? You're not effectively communicating whatever it is you're attempting to communicate.
Please help.
From the above post, my impression is that you're lacking when it comes to basic grammar and sentence formulation. This isn't a stylistic issue. It's not presentation. It's not aesthetics. I suggest focusing on improving your basic writing skills. Emotionally evocative phrasing can come later. Build a strong foundation, then make it pretty later. If you focus on the pretty first, it will fall apart.