From the pen of Urvad Stinthadgesis son of Sibrek Logemtad, rightful heir to the throne of The Old Nets.
To the current overseer of Imarust, "Breadbowl".
It has been more than a year since The rampage of Ongul Gristleurns the Callus of Wastes which took the life of my father, King Sibrek Logemtad. This letter is to inform you that I, Urvad Theatersinews, have been inaugrated as King. Do not fear: I hold no ill will towards the dwarves of Breadbowl for their failure to protect my father.
However, over the years some hillocks of The Old Nets have come to depend on food imported from Imarust. In recent years, many of these have been forced to ration food in order to prevent widespread famine. This is partly due to the overall reduction in output from Breadbowl, and also to the plethora of clerical errors that we suspect our "allies" have taken advantage of, in order to divert Breadbowl cuisine to their own people.
I realise it is much to ask in the wake of your recent misfortunes, but as your King and for the sake of the Old Nets, I must insist the dwarves of Breadbowl prioritise the production and export of food and the keeping of accurate records.
As of the new year, the bearer of this message is your overseer. She is a competant and meticulous dwarf, and I trust she will keep you on the right path.
Yours truly,
His Highness King Urvad Stinthadgesis,
Kol looked up from the letter. "Who delivered this?"
"Thunk did!" shouted Thunk.
"She was a bookish looking dwarf," said Big Sibrek, the militia commander, "but she took a look at the state of the place, handed the letter to the nearest dwarf, and ran off."
"Dammit. And the nearest dwarf was-"
"THUNK!"
"Yeah... that guy."
"Which means Thunk delivered the letter! So Thunk overseer now, yes? King say Thunk overseer!"
Kol looked at the excited axedwarf, and then down at the letter. "It says "she", Thunk. Are you a woman now?"
"Thunk rejects gender binary! Thunk not he or she! Thunk "Thunk"! So can Thunk be overseer? Thunk wants to be overseer!"
Kol sighed. "You know what? I genuinely don't care. Do what you want."
"YAY! THUNK IN CHARGE NOW! OBEY THUNK!"
Everybody have to do what Thunk say! This glorious moment for Thunk! The very first order in Thunk's historic rule shall be-
[trips over a lizard]
THUNK DEMANDS A CULL!
Alright,
now Thunk begin important work. Thunk needs to carefully look over labor chart and adjust tasks to prevent complete failure of Breadbowl's military/industrial complex under Thunk's rule.
... THUNK CONFUSED AND ENRAGED BY LABOR CHART!
Why are legendary growers militia dwarf trainee's? Why are useless fish cleaners not drafted? Why do so many dwarves have stupid faces? Thunk smash all labors! Thunk will meticulously micromanage Breadbowl labors until stupidness is over!
"Kol! Thunk wants you to know Kol is good friend to Thunk!"
"Um... okay? Thank you Thu-"
"But Kol is also a stupid face! You is great spearmaster, why are you not using Taupes artifact adamantine spear? Tell Thunk! TELL THUNK NOW!"
"Hmm? Oh, that. I like my masterwork steel spear. It's simple and clean and I'm used to it, so I can do more damage wi-"
"Take the fancy spear, Kol!"
"Well I don't know if I can wield something lik-"
"KOL YOU WILL TAKE THE SPEAR OR THUNK WILL HIT YOU WITH THUNKS AXE, THUNK SWEARS TO GOD!"
"Okay okay geeze!"
"SODEL MACE INSISTS THE SILVER ARTIFACT NOW FROM ON USE THUNK!"
"... what?"
"Thunk insists Sodel use the silver artifact mace from now on."
"Oh. Yeah okay, I guess."
"That is the correct answer! Thunk approves!"
Thunk hears that hauling produced food to depot is problem! Thunk see's opportunity to showcase Thunk's abilities as problem solver! Thunk orders minecart tracks built from cellar to trade depot!
Thunk does not know if guided minecarts can run people over, but Thunk declares tracks restricted to be safe.
Thunk see's two dwarves stuck up a tree and calling for help! Thunk not sure Thunk want to know how that happened! Thunk orders tree cut down!
OOC: Okay, so, what just happened... a female dwarf named "
Oilybust" and a male named "
Peaklance" went up a tree and spent a fortnight in close proximity, including at once point sleeping on the same tile. And when Vutok cut them down, he got injured by falling pants.
Really, Dwarf Fortress? Falling pants?
Really? The pornstar names weren't on-the-nose enough for you?
...
But that's not even the wierdest thing. The wierdest thing is this:
all three dwarves are still wearing trousers. Where did the extra trousers come from? Why do they exist?
We may never know.
BY ORDER OF OVERSEER THUNK, PANTS ARE NOW FORBIDDEN IN BREADBOWL FOR SAFETY REASONS!
Elven food deliverers arrive!
Thunk will trade all the foods! Thunk will also purchase loincloths and skirts to replace dangerous pants with!
Also animals, including a BEAR! Thunk will train the BEAR to kill Thunk's enemies!
Finally, Thunk validate Thunk's trade values! Thunk proving to world that speech impediment does not make Thunk bad bookkeeper!
Food Traded by Thunk: 2725!
Drinks Traded by Thunk: 1199!
Thunk made all this food by Thunk's self! (Thunk is being facetious of course. Thunk stands upon the shoulders of giants)