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[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

((This game is going to help me tune my descriptive abilities. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated. If you want to send me constructive criticism on my other games you may post it here with a link to the game being criticized. That being said this game will not take great priority on being updated but it will be updated.))

You awaken in your soft bed to the warm glow of the sun through your window's blinds. You pull, or rather push, the sheets off your body and roll out of bed. Your feet land on the coushiny shagg carpet flooring in your room. You lift your arms and let out a yawn. You look down at your wooden night stand to see your alarm clock. The black box has dark red numbers glowing on it's face,"6:23". Looks like you awoke two minutes early. You press the button to turn your alarm off and grab the glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up as you finish off the half full glass of refreshing water. Your throat no longer dry and yourself fully awakened what do you do?

((Questions about the character may be asked and answers will be given. Please don't to too over board with what this guy does.))

[~Neri]

Go check on the Basement Nuclear Reactor you've been building.


((Personally I recommend some spacing up of the paragraphs of that. Textwalls tend to lead to skimming and skipping of useful information, and although they are useful for dialogue (which is a good spot to have paragraphs sometimes), you generally don't want people skimming the middle of the paragraph. Me for example, I tend to read twoline stuff but I start skimming when there are three or more lines. I don't even intend to, it just happens. This paragraph will probably result in minor skimming in the middle also unless you focus on it.))

((I'll spoiler how I would have written it, this is just how me personally would have, there is no right way, the main thing I see with the paragraph is flow, so most alterations would be towards making it flow better. Red means I changed words/sentence structure rather then spacing it.))

Spoiler: I probably would have written it as: (click to show/hide)

You awaken in your soft bed, the warm glow of the sun shining on you through your window's blinds.

You pull, or rather push, the sheets off your body and roll out of bed, your feet landing on the coushiny shagg carpet flooring in your room. Lifting your arms, you let out a yawn and stretch.

You look down at your wooden night stand to see your alarm clock. The black box has dark red numbers glowing on its face: 6:23

(("It's" means "it is" You want its in this. Good way to tell if you wanna use its or it's is see if "it is" fits where you're trying to put "it's"))

Looks like you awoke two minutes early. You press the button to turn your alarm off and grab the glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up as you finish off the half full glass ((Removed part of the sentence here, personally I think it flows better, although others might disagree.)).

Your throat no longer dry and yourself fully awakened what do you do?

((I tend to separate the prompts from the rest of the stuff, makes it easier to spot in my mind.))

((I also tend to put notes and stuff in spoilers, the OOC parenthesis tend to make reading the story stuff a bit hard in my mind cause it disrupts the shapes of everything somewhat.))

((Using the thing in the codebox below prolly would help for breaking up the page to keep OOC and IC stuff separate if you don't like how spoilers look. Also you could just opt to not use spoilers or that, there is no Right way to go about writing.))

Code: [Select]

[hr]

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I prefer spoilers to code box mostly because I don't know how to do the latter.
Thank you for the criticism. I will make sure to keep paragraphs cut to two/three lines mad unless it is less important stuff. I did not skim what you had to say though as I intend to take as much advice as I can. I know I'm not that great of a GM but I would like to get better.

You set your glass back on the night stand and slip your comfy plaid house slippers on. To the basement to check on your project you assume.

You shuffle down the hall, past several closed doors, through the kitchen, and down a flight of stairs.

Upon defending to the bottom of the steps you see your project before you. A glorious little thing really. Originaly started as an attempt at cold fusion but giving up on that nonsense you decided to create a practical at home power system to save on money.

The reactor is not complete but you hope to have it running soon. Your current problem is making the pressurized pipes properly sealed and put together as a leak would lead to many bad things. The turbine assembly is finished for the most part.

You feel the slightest bit of drowsiness as you inspect your machine. What next?

[~Neri]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I think you mean descending instead of defending. Unless that's autocorrect or you do intend to use defending. (Is there another meaning for defending? I is tempted to google, always nice to learn new meanings.)

Codebox is pretty easy to make. it's the button two spots to the right of the spoilers button. Has a # symbol on it. Reason I used codebox is to show the thing I put in it. the [ hr]

Does this


Makes a nice line.

Have you been taking apart fire detectors? Gotta get a lot of fire detectors to get the trace bits of iridium out of them to make fuel. Also built that centrifuge for purifying it? ((This is actually something some nutjob did at one point. They built a reactor and harvested trace radioactive materials from like several thousand fire detectors for fuel.))

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It was autocorrect. The (bane?) of my existence as a GM. As my sig text would prove.

You think for a moment about the fuel. You remember an idea involving fire detectors and stealing a centrifuge from the lab. Oh wait no that's right you slowly smuggled enriched uranium from the lab instead.

You look over your shoulder at a lead container. Lord only knows how difficult it was to move uranium from the lab to that box without killing anyone.

You have produced a couple rods to house the uranium in once you get the reactor built. You ponder a moment on the legality of your actions but then you remember how much of a break through this will be if at home reactors begin to be produced.

You stop pondering the legal firestorm you are playing with because deep down you know this could make you rich and famous. More than working at some stupid biochem lab ever could.

A loud grower from your stomach interrupts your internal rant about hating your job. Seems you forgot breakfast. Again.

Seems you lost your train of thought, what were you going to do?

[~Neri]

Breakfast. Delicious delicious breakfast. I'm thinking waffles.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

As a note, too much spacing can make it feel too open. It's up to the writer to decide how much too much is, but remember, there is no right way to write. So just do what feels right.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

You decide to actually eat breakfast once in your life. Taking a last over look of the assembled bits of the reactor you smile. "Oh what a lovely thing" you think as you head back upstairs.

The wooden steps creek under your slow moving legs as you make your way back to the kitchen. You close the door behind you for safety, don't want to be falling down a flight of stairs on accident do we.

Shuffling on the hardwood floors to your fridge you open up the freezer section and pull out a package of frozen toaster waffles that's been sitting for ages to be consumed. After taking a moment to read the package you tear the box open and grab square of four small waffles that are connected to each other.

This oddly seems delicious though you're unsure why. You pop them into the toaster. Open the cabinets you get out a small plate and fork. The fridge bares a small container of maple syrup, you take a moment to realize that you should probably get groceries later. You set your plate, fork, and syrup down on the counter top.

The waffles pop out of the toaster with a puff of smoke. Burnt. Of course. You need a new toaster. You set the "waffles" on your plate. The fire alarm begins to blare as the smoke reaches the ceiling. You ignore it's annoying chirping and drench your food in syrup. The alarm subsides as you take your first bite.

The taste of chared food and sweet syrup fill your mouth. You're unsure if it's appetizing or not worth eating. You finish the rest of the waffles anyways and set the plate and form in the sink. Your belly "full" now it stops growling. You still feel very tired. What else do you do?

[Adragis]

Get a drink. Water or something.  No use going through a day on naught but waffles.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Feeling patched from such dry food you grab a glass from the cabinets. You fill the container overflowing with water from your sink. The water has a yellowish brown tiny to it. Seems a water filter may need to be purchased as well.

Either way this will have to do. You down the glass and quench your thirst. The cold water shocks you awake. The glass is set on the granite counter top, may be drinking water later, and you realize you have several notes written out and pill bottles laying on the counter top.

What to do now?

[~Neri]

Read the notes. Also remember what the pills are for.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Picking up the random sticky notes of various colors you find out what the pills are. Each note describes what pills are in which bottles.

"Allergy meds in orange bottle with blue label"

"Leftover prescription pain meds are in red bottle, white cap, and white label"

"Assorted antacids in all blue bottle"

"Tim's special is in orange bottle with no label. Should have small white pills"

"Prescription meds from last check up in all red bottle with white label"

Well that explains that. Though you're unsure what exact medicines these are as your eyes can't read the actual labels very well. That's probably why you made these notes. Now what?

[~Neri]

As we do not know what any of them do. Lets just.. Not touch them. Very very bad idea to take meds without knowing the reason.

Get your wallet and carkeys. We need to go shopping for a new toaster, a waterfilter, and groceries.

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Setting all the notes by their respective bottles you look for your car keys. After a few moments you remember you left them with your wallet. Shuffling back down the hall and into your room your pocket your keys and wallet off the window ceil.

Heading outside you lock up your house and head for your car in the drive way. You look at the beautiful vehicle, a rusty old '93 mustang. Foxbody and four cylinder engine. This isn't the ideal car but you never thought to buy a new one.

Hopping into your white stalion you smell the strong scent of cherry air freshener, matches the bright red interior you suppose. You turn the keys and the engine starts to run. Nothing much but it gets you from A to B. You drive to the nearest convenience store.

After a few minutes of radio talk show you get to the relatively empty parking lot of a wal mart and take a close parking spot.

Just as you reach to open the door you realize one thing. You are still in your house slippers, plaid PJ pants, and white tank top. It's just wal mart right? You can go in looking like this right? You reason to yourself. But can you?

[~Neri]

Yes. You can. The nice thing about people is people tend to edit oddities out mentally. Same reason nobody ever notices that one of the neighbor has rabbit ears. Also you can just pass it off as Casual Tuesday if someone does as. It is Tuesday, right?

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Ya it's perfectly fone to go into walmart like this but well now you're stuck on what day it is. You wish you had grabbed your phone to check the calendar. You know of it were a week day you should probably be headed to work soon. Wait you still have a job at the biochem lab right?

Your memory isn't serving you well right now and you just decide to let it go and get what you need from the store. Upon entering the store you find few people there shopping and even fewer working. You find a decent toaster for around $15, no sense in dropping more than that on something you never use.

Next you find a water filter system you can hook up to your sink. You go back to the front of the store to grab a basket as you find it hard to carry this stuff. Now back to shopping.

Through the aisles you pick up a loaf of bread, some lunch meat, mustard, penut utter, grape jelly, margarine, and some random things of yogurt. Seems like enough you think and head to check out.

The obviously teenage cashier holds in a laugh at seeing you and checks out your items,"Is that all today sir?" She asks. Groggily you nod a yes. She reads off the price but you couldn't hear her over your yawn. You swipe your credit card and sign. She hands you your bags and receipt bidding you a good day.

Now back at your car you put your groceries in the back seat. Anything else you need to do while you're out?