My childhood was colourful. There are a few highlights.
I remember Patrick, two years younger than me and may have been a dwarf; anyways for whatever reason he always tried to appear tough and hardman. One day one of the older kids gave him a lighter and a can of deodorant; he burned off all of his hair and eyebrows (but he suffered no burns to his skin, fortunately). This left him rather amusingly without eyebrows and hair for as long as I can remember him.
I also remember that other one who got hospitalized when someone threw a slab of ice at him, this was around the time where kids were throwing snowballs with stones lodged in them. The headmaster was all "children, if we find you doing this we will destroy you" yet we did this anyways.
There was that time where storms lifted up all the parasols and everyone had to go inside in case they speared someone. Then there was that time where people started jokingly hanging themselves like with gallows from the strings dangling down the parasols, I did it briefly and then decided this was stupid and stopped but everyone else was going full on with it, I remember some like Jack even going so far as to jump off the tables with the rope around their necks. Eventually one of the teachers Becky (who was a right bitch who broke children and made them cry because it was her style) saw this and was understandably horrified by the sheer stupidity of these children trying to hang themselves. She started rounding up all the children that had scarring/blistering around their necks and I think the reason why Jack is the one I remember whereas I forgot the names of the others is because Jack sold me out when I nearly got away because I only had slightly red neck for only doing it lightly once. I remember that moment when everyone would flee from Becky if they had any cards out because Becky would steal your cards and give them to the disabled children - you wouldn't get them back and if you did they would be ripped up and covered in saliva. And those cards weren't cheap.
Speaking of horrific teachers, there was Trish. Now Trish was a special kind of absolute hag, she was a walking nightmare. Last I remember of her she was fired/sued by one of the parents after she kept bullying one of the boys, Cain it was. And going back to cards there was this issue in that since the cards were worth some pocket money you had people stealing them/trading them/losing them and everyone losing their shit. The teachers of course didn't know how the cards worked or cared about who the cards got so there was never any justice, the worst case I saw was when they mixed three decks together and gave out an equal number of cards to myself, Faisal and Aaron - ensuring no one got their cards back, and Aaron and Faisal lost entire decks whilst I luckily only lost 3. Eventually the teachers got so frustrated with dealing with the card issue that they just issued a ban on the number of cards to never exceed 20, but you needed at least 40 to start a game. So we just got really good at smuggling cards in hidden pockets, socks and sleeves and played our games in hidden places. The definitive moment has to be when I was sorting out my card box in front of Peggy, one of the teachers - a kind fat lady who was stern but empathetic (probably one of the best), and she saw me fiddling with the card box and said "I hope that's not more than 20 cards" and I responded immediately with no hesitation or panic "it's just 3" - quite instinctively, without thought. Cue my friend next to me, must've been Albert, Lewis or Freddy - or someone else, anyways my friend next to be started sniggering because underneath the felt beneath the 3 cards were about 60 in the hidden compartment. I also learned from my Grandmother how to cheat in shuffling the cards so that I could always win within 1-2 turns, and quickly became undefeated champ through my superior shuffling and set. I was also quite lucky in that I managed to get the cards before the new show season came out, so I managed to trade 1 card from the new show for an entire set that was featured in the next season, that no one knew at the time. This new set would be the one I used to become undefeated. VALUE
The smuggling was all quite fun and harmless until the area got rougher and we stopped smuggling cards and started smuggling knives, but we were still kids. The funniest thing I remember was when Lewis was the first to bring a knife in and everyone was all like "DON'T TELL ANYONE, BUT I HAVE A KNIFE" so you get the entire playground knowing who's armed but the teachers are none the wiser. Also he taught me not to hide a knife in your sock, especially not a serrated one - chafes your skin off.
There was that time where Hanna took my tennis ball and threw it far over the greenery and fences whilst saying "fetch dog" so I hit her with my tennis racket and got into trouble with Becky, that was hilarious. She took my racket but I just continued playing with the tennis ball. Come to think of it the school viewed girls as angels, and the girls took full advantage of that. One time they were stealing sweets off of some poor birthday girl and all the boys got blamed. Another time two of the girls I didn't really know went up to me with grass clods in their hand and threw them at me, with rocks inside of the grass. I still don't understand to this day what that was about. The funniest moment of all though to do with teachers and punishment has to be when they held us all behind after class had ended and said none of us would leave until someone owned up to stealing the pens. Right as Peggy finishes saying that a little African kid from reception runs up, grabs an entire handful of felt pens and runs out of the room. The timing was PERFECT. They let him off because he was adorable as all hell and he was just taking the pens because he thought he needed all 40 of them, not because he was being malicious. I also remember when Kiana threw her massive fit (she was as tall as the teachers at my age, got good Kenyan blood) and managed to defeat four teachers at once - having to be dogpiled by 6 before calming down. I don't remember what she was angry about but whatever it was I agreed with her. There was Obi who was one of my closest friends and just as large, though he was a gentle giant. I really felt sorry for him one day when his father got incredibly angry at him for not signing a place in the parent's evening list and started screaming "I did not ask you to get a job and make money. I ask you to write a name down!" There was also Alex who tried killing himself by jumping off the rock, though a teacher got him. Alex was a biter. Doesn't top Reese though who chased a kid around the school with a fork; Reese was the one who taught me to fight my mother back, what a lad. Fish headed David... God, what a memory. I remember when he fought myself to a standstill with me headlocked and unrelenting over some shit. The headmaster was coming out to bring us in as this was the time when everyone was going home, and I remember my sister whispering in my ear "look as hurt as possible" so they get more sympathetic to you.
The headmaster was fucking awesome, he had three motorcycles and two sports cars, and since I was usually the 2nd person in school (woke up early, was right next to the school, walked to school myself), he usually always gave a polite early good morning and such. And then I'd read the metro until Kane came by and we ran around playing in the front of the school, always brilliant fun.
I remember as well the time at that one museum our school went to - I had spent the whole time trying to appreciate the museum stuff and get educated but one thing changed it forever. This was around the time where our school year was playing Bangkok. What's the capital of China?
A punch in the balls. Of course we didn't know that the capital of China was Beijing but it didn't matter. This was like that time where you'd hit someone on the head and say a thousand brain cells just died, it was an excuse for random violence and it was
fun. Anyways Kane punches Aaron in the balls in this museum. I don't blame Kane because frankly, everyone did it - but what happened next was to basically be one of those pivotal moments in my development. Kane was the fastest kid in our school, so while Aaron reels Kane runs off. Aaron turns around and sees me laughing and thinks I punched him in the balls and starts running after me. Now while I wasn't the fastest in our school I was known as the most agile; in a game of it, if you got cornered by me around the fences you were screwed as I was leaping through and over like a gazelle. Nowadays I'm as agile as a drunk mammoth but back then I had it, and I was bobbing and weaving through the museum stuff like my life depended on it. And Aaron? He was the kung-fu monk of our school, you could not fight him and win unless you had numbers and muscle and I had neither at the time. So I had to bob and weave.
Anyways eventually Aaron realizes he'll never catch me so he breaks down and cries and goes to the teacher to tell on me. Our school gets banned from ever returning due to the whole incident and the Headmaster is quite pissed. The next day I spend the entire time 1 on 1 with the Headmaster in some intense interrogation. I remember fixating on the diamond patterns on his tie. I refused to own up for something I did not do. The Headmaster was having none of it; he "knew" I did it. He wanted to know why I was lying, and asked if he needed to get my parents involved - that's when I lost my shit because my mother would kill me, not for punching someone in the balls but for having the school force her to leave work that day for my shit. So I told him that Kane did it and I was defending him. It was true, but to me it felt like a lie. The line of thought going through my head was that people don't want to hear the truth, they want to hear what they want to hear. It was not enough to know that I did not do it, someone had to pay. Eventually Kane comes running up to me screaming with tears pouring down his face asking me how I could do this, then I told him I did no such thing and he was all right with that. Kane and I were banned from going to the next museum trip, to a science museum - Kane's mum just brought us there anyways (she shouldn't have since she was a teacher) but she was awesome. Then we got to go the science museum anyways, where I messed around with the electronic thing and got shocked, it was so much fun. There was also some living gag where things would fly and hit me in the eyes, taut ropes, rocks, falling objects - it was hilarious just how my eyes were magnets for punishment.
Aaron and I also continued to be great friends. We never let these things get in the way of friendship. And thinking back on it now it was quite weird, the first time I got to know Aaron and Faisal, Faisal was holding my left arm whilst Aaron was punching me in the throat. And we became best of friends because of that! I don't know how that works! Faisal especially; people didn't mess with him even though he was small because he'd keep threatening to get his Paki boys on them (he wasn't Pakistani but no one knew the difference) and even called me an honourary Paki. My childhood would trigger America with its sheer edginess.
There was that one Vietnamese family with one boy I was very good friends with... His father was insane (clinically insane) and his mother, older and younger sister abusive. His younger sister threw a clock at me whilst his older sister beat him up, his mother beat him up and smashed their TV and found ways to beat up the sisters without leaving marks, and one night sleeping over their house he clung behind me terrified to shield himself from his father screaming I'll kill you with one finger. Last I heard of him he tried drowning someone to death in a swimming pool but he turned his life around pretty well since, so good on him for not letting the past get to him. Also he broke my face with a golf club once by accident; we were golfing at a range with the skill of children and I lined up 4-5 gold balls intending to hit them in rapid succession. He saw this and walked up, hitting them - the backswing got me and broke my face, I crumpled down in pain.
I had fights at home too and they were terrible, but on the offchance it's ever linked back to me I'm not going to go into detail with them too much since it doesn't matter how much good someone does for you; bad deeds override them and stain them, and by virtue of being my family I don't want to slag them off too much. My fights at school were more fun anyways, there were some real serious ones and some gamey ones and I found ways to win. Keep in mind my mindset of winning; amongst my conversations with epileptics and the mentally unstable about the existence of spirits and such we had some more philosophical discussions on the moral sides of things. I remember when one of my friends was talking about how revenge is a dish best served cold and I was like no, revenge is best served when they don't know you have had it. Kid me saw that when one kid attacked another kid in revenge for that kid attacking them before, they just got attacked back even harder in response - meaning if it didn't end, it just got worse and worse. I later learned this called "eye for an eye makes the world blind." Now, I didn't come to the conclusion that violence is bad, I came to the conclusion that you need to be able to end it and not get caught. The epitome of this has to be when I sat down cross legged in the open field and one of the kids little brother was going on about how he could get his big brother to beat me up; I told him, go for it - and then his big brother runs up to me after having had altercations with me before and rushes me into the ground. Only problem is this was in plain sight of the teachers who just saw some kid sitting on the ground doing nothing getting rushed for no reason. Became great friends with this guy too, but cynical events like these sparked a moral event horizon where everything was fine as long as you could get away with it - and not only that, there was a moral obligation to push the boundaries.
Speaking of cynicism, I was already quite the cynical edgelord. I remember it was during a Christmas play where everyone was supposed to be sheep but I thought sheep were boring, and I had a snake hat so I wanted to be a snake. They were like no, sheep and I was like yes, SNAKE.
So in the end you had about 8 ranks of sheep with a snake in their midst. That's some symbolism right there.
The cynicism also spread to other really edgy opinions, like I remember that one absolutely based Kiwi teacher who I gifted my only kroner, and he was all going on about how people who fight with heart will always triumph and asking us really provocative questions like why are these map lines perfectly straight? My little brain was like: This isn't true, equipment, tactics, strategy and discipline wins wars. It was very reductive; probably the edgiest thing I ever said in response to based Kiwi teacher talking about the Nazis running around killing and imprisoning undesirables was "why didn't they fight back." It's a shame back then edgy wasn't even in my vocabulary, because I would've been invoking it endlessly. I even remember arguing with one of those drug and smoking awareness people over where their clinical proof was that 2nd hand smoke could cause lung cancer (back then there was none). I didn't disagree with them that it did, I just found that there was something immensely hilarious and enjoyable in prodding taller, bigger, smarter giants to see what happened - I ended up looking like a smoker, but really I was just interested in figuring out why some people believe what others tell them. Due to getting a pocket encyclopedia for Christmas by my mother I still to this day remember the reproduction cycle of amoeba as one of the most interesting things ever.
Hmmm... What else is there. I know! Moving on from amoeba, I had a great interest in biology. I would go around looking at all the bugs and animals I could find, finding crickets, mother spiders holding their eggs, lifted up stone slabs to see the exposed ant nests (and instead of destroying them, I'd just return the slab gently). I also came from a different culture, so instead of being scared of spiders I saw them as good luck and guardians against mosquitoes for example, or saw black cats as good luck. Anyways I was one of the people in school who could run around throwing spiders at people because I loved them and had no fear of them, even still carrying the guilt to this day of accidentally killing one after mistaking it spinning a web on me with it biting me. One of the things I taught my school that lots of people started doing was the practice of dropping ants onto spider webs; I did it to feed the spiders and knew the ants were so without number that the ones I caught would not be missed (though I was not unsympathetic to the ants, I was moved to pity when I saw the ants moving out to collect their dead in situations unrelated to spiders. My sister on the other hand was completely merciless and did things like feed roast duck to ducks and burn slugs with magnifying glasses and salt). Suddenly you had dozens of children running around dropping hapless ants onto webs to see the spiders fight and kill the little drones; the spiders grew very fat and proliferated, taking over one of the hedges with webs - so much so that wasps died in droves trying to suckle the nectar from the hedges' flowers.
One story related to all three was when wasps kept building nests in the shed (lovingly dubbed the summer house, it was smaller than a broom closet. I also lived in a broom closet for that matter) through a crack in the glass. I was tasked with destroying each one, which was horrible because wasp queens do not fuck around because once you have destroyed their nest THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE AND WILL PURSUE YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH.
I killed them with water cannons, deodorant spray, my most successful method involved a giant plastic bag - if you caught them in one you could just safely wait for them to suffocate. Anyways they kept coming back and making new nests so I wanted a permanent solution. One day whilst picking plums from the plum tree by the shed, a twig fell onto the ivy below and a fucking massive wolf spider ran out and ran back under the shed. It was larger than my hand. So I did the only thing I could and started feeding her ants so she could grow even fucking larger.
One year she was gone and that was it; luckily she didn't go without leaving an even fucking larger brood of spiderlings that very soon occupied the shed with webs and spiders. Things is - you can live with spiders, but you can't with wasps. Every time a wasp queen flew in she flew right into the wolf's den and didn't come back out.
Speaking of which, there was also that moment where the school thought I was a disturbed child because I kept drawing doodles of stick people killing each other and more realistic animals bloodily savaging each other (realistic by the standards of an infant). I just watched a lot of documentaries on National Geographic and the like and didn't understand why the teachers were so against something so natural as violence and killing; all the animals did it. I also watched a lot of horror movies and contrary to the suggestions otherwise, I did not copy them and start brutally murdering my peers. No, I just had nice conversations with Eden, she was also a horror movie fan. Now that was fun too, so many lessons wasted just talking about scary movies.
There were a couple of girls with silly childhood romances, perhaps the funniest was the girl in Turkey where we were both on holiday from different families and we were inseparable - from the beaches to the boats with their turtles, simply adorable.
Oh! Forgot one more thing about the wasps, one of the defining moments for me in reckless stupidity; one day one of the other kids found a wasp nest behind the fence by the pond wedged between two rocks and we had this fun game where we'd throw stuff at it - rocks, dirt, rubbish, anything that would piss them off and make them chase after us. The trick was getting away before they caught you, I never got caught but one of my best friends was hospitalized when they got his arm, also there was the issue where other children nearby did not know why we were running away so got caught by the wasps. Eventually this went on for so long that the school sent the groundskeeper to kill the wasps; some dench slavic guy he walked right up to the nest without protection and smothered it with a blanket, stomping on its remains. METAL AS FUCK.
Oh yeah, a lot of good experiences in Turkey. With Germans, Brits and Turks galore. Snakebite man was my favourite, half his hand was missing because of a snake and he gave me discounts and tried to teach me Turkish, great guy. Also some guy tried stealing my crab but my sister confronted him, a little girl scared him off! Ha!
It was in Langkawi or Penang Island where I nearly drowned to death. We were just swimming and it was a pool, we were just in the shallows but then the train of kids I was following (I was at the back) hopped off in the water whilst I followed. I could not swim, and felt myself drifting away into the deeper bits. Before I can shout for help I'm already down and under, thrashing about and trying to reach the surface. Every time I break the surface to scream for help I just end up choking on water and falling back down. Some fat hairy guy sees me and just turns away, getting out of the pool. It was actually pretty cool as a kid, because I didn't feel fear. It was just acceptance, I can still remember the exact thought in my head "so this is how I die." There was no bitterness or panic, it was just knowledge. Gradually I stopped trying to reach the surface because I couldn't anymore and just relaxed, drifting with the occasional spasm. I don't know whether I really heard my sister scream or whether it's just a fabrication of my memory that I heard her scream, but my sister at some point noticed I was gone and did scream, at which point my father leaped into the pool with his suit still on and fished me right out, coughing out water. I remember laughing at the good fortune that his phone had fallen out of his pocket before he jumped in, so strange was my priorities. This Sri Lankan woman was also 2 seconds away from jumping into the pool and I remember my mother and father thanking her, she gave me a towel. The pool emptied right after then. I can't remember who it was, but someone in my family started going on about the Hungry Ghost Festival, as this happened during the Hungry Ghost Festival. Around this time the barriers between the spirits and the physical world is weakest, and sometimes they try to take people on their list to the afterlife. My name was crossed off that day because they failed to take me. I've never had a fear of water since, and in fact have loved boating, swimming and diving.
Now don't confuse being fearless with not having a respect, because water will kill you fast.
I also had a lot of childhood experiences in Malaysia which were great; had a terrapin called Jenny, and like me, she was bullied by her older sister
I remember going to the fish markets and seeing endangered species curiously "not for sale," now that was quite a sight. Being in the gutters when a gigantic fucking centipede of some kind emerged from the darkness to smell out my face when my Grandfather pulled me out before it bit, that was terrifying. A ball of flies floating in perfect synchronization... Night time hunting the roaches and finding the little ones infesting the chopsticks... The beeping of the water filtration before the kettle was filled... The cold of the refrigerated chocolate as it melted in the tropical air and the great hubbub of my endless array of cousins, aunties and uncles... Even the fights there could not overshadow the good when the good shone with a tropical sun. And mosquitoes could not quite beat biscuits and hot milo. Neighbour's house even got struck by lightning as I experienced monsoons; they were so rich they bought two houses and converted them into one with lots of metal stuff on it. Turned it into a lightning magnet.
I also remember first finding flash games, heh. It was one website with shitty links to about a dozen games. I think the website is a republican domain now. Shame.
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Topic: Childhood Stories (Read 2973 times)