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[Generally me]

So this a thread for all those stupid things you did as a child or baby. Because at that time I'm pretty sure we all suffer from a severe lack of common sense and any form of embarrassment. Which ends up with really great stories.

I will start off.

So when I was only a year or maybe less old. I was on a plane on my mothers lap, we were sitting next to this really fancy guy in a pin striped suit and with a gold plated watch.

Me as a baby thought the watch was really interesting so I started playing with his watch and doing that weird gurgly smile things that babies do. The guy did not like this at all and was trying desperately to ignore me.

Soon I started to get hungry and my mother fed me this solid baby food thinking I could eat it. I could not and a bit of food got caught in my throat. To get it out my body decided to projectile vomit... right into the fancy guys lap.

Afterwards I just continued playing with his watch while gurgling and smiling at him. Needless to say he was not happy and was probably getting ready to haymaker backhand me or something. Specially since he said he had a really big important meeting straight after he got off the plane.


So that's my, probably best childhood story.

[nenjin]

6 years old or so, I was in the playground during recess one day, walking along some railroad ties that where bracing a small hill. And then for some reason I got light headed, or just, I dunno, went little kid stupid, and fell head first on to a railroad spike that was holding these railroad ties in place. (Imagine about 3 feet of steel rebar driven into the ground like a post.) My forehead connected with the head of that railroad spike in free fall. The lump it left on my head was probably the size of my fist at the time.

[Bohandas]

ptw

[Yoink]

One time when I was about 4-5 years old, running around with my two nieces who were two years younger than I (I'm the youngest of my siblings by a large margin), I knocked one of them over in the hallway. I can't remember if it was accidental or not (pretty much even odds there, I was a little shit) but the main thing is it was a bad fall, and I knew when she got up she'd start crying. That meant trouble.

Kid-me's survivor's instinct kicked in and he fled to a nearby bedroom, crouching down and hiding behind a bed from the inevitable adult who would soon be summoned. Unfortunately my knowledge of stealth and hiding was gained pretty much entirely from watching cartoons- I had the top of my head exposed as I peeked over the bed to watch the doorway.

I was incredibly confused when they walked in and my niece pointed straight at my hiding place.
I was hidden, dangit! It all seemed terribly unfair. No doubt kid-me would have called BS on that, but for the fact that BS was a bad word and would doubtless have worsened the trouble he was in had he even known of its existence.

'Stupid childhood stories' are something I have plenty of.

[Biowraith]

I was (and still am) a very fussy eater, but I guess my mum & dad thought I'd grow out of it or something as they still kept trying to feed me stuff they knew I didn't like and wouldn't eat. 

My aversion to the undesirable food manifest in a few different ways: 

Sometimes I would just sit and refuse to eat - I'd be told I'm not getting dessert if I didn't finish (that threat didn't work, my desire for dessert was lower than my dislike for the main course) or that I couldn't leave the table until I finished (apparently I was a patient child, I'd sit there pretty much indefinitely until they caved). 

Other times I'd try to force myself to eat whatever it was, my gag reflex would trigger, and I'd throw up saliva and half eaten food on the plate (I can't remember if I did that deliberately to ruin the meal so they couldn't make me eat the rest of it, or if it was a genuinely involuntary reflex). 

And when I thought I could get away with it I'd stow pieces of the offending food in my pockets when nobody was looking and then dispose of them in a variety of places; usually this was just throwing them out the upstairs window (my parents always wondered why the sea gulls were so fond of our garage roof), but I can remember choosing some more inventive hiding places like in the soil of potted plants and the like.

Apparently my parents never realised I was hiding the unwanted food, until over a decade later when we were moving house and on shifting the very large cabinet in our dining room they found all these shriveled black things behind it.  I had to explain that they were years old pieces of french toast, sausage, beef burgers, and so on that I'd thrown back there as a child.

[Trapezohedron]

Cousin's house. Ran up the stairs, to the disagreement of parents and other housers. Fell down their slippery stairs. Went back home, didn't feel anything painful beyond dizzy as far as I can recall. Portion of head was cracked and opened, but thankfully no skull was revealed, just a really large scar caused by hitting the stair at the edges.

End result? I still have a smallish lump on my forehead and a scar.

[Generally me]

I also remember being in holiday in Spain and I was like 7 or something.

I had one those caps that covered the back of your neck in a weird cape thing that went down to your shoulders and so did my sister. So I decided we must have a running race with our caps backwards and covering our eyes.

The wall next to us was one of those evil walls that had tiny stones embedded in them. So I started full sprinting down the street completely blind and with my mum and dad shouting for me to stop. You can probably guess how it ended.

I end up running head first into the spiky wall and then going unconscious and waking up on my bed. I still won the race due to my sister being disqualified for cheating. So you know it was worth it in my opinion.

[Bohandas]

I became extremely scared of choking to desth at one point and kept demanding that my parents blend my meals into a drinkable form (I kid you not)

[itisnotlogical]

One time at about six or so, I was staying in a hotel and needed to go to the bathroom. I somehow picked the right door instead of the forward one, leaving the hotel room and locking myself out in the dead of night.

[Jopax]

Was 3-4 years old and watched my uncles, grandfather and some other people I can't recall fix their van. I think they were changing out the wheels or something. After they had finished and went away for some reason I wanted to try my hand at fixing it too. So I took the biggest wrench I could find that they left and just jammed it into the wheel hub.
They returned after a while and tried to leave with the van, but it went for about two meters before stopping and refusing to budge. They looked it over and after a while found the big ass wrench neatly bent around the wheel axle, preventing it from spinning. Took them a bit to take it out but it worked fine afterwards.

After that I was closely watched whenever any sort of mechanical tinkering was going on.

[Flying Dice]

Hoo, boy. Here goes.

Spoiler: Not Water (click to show/hide)

This one was when I was ~9 or so. One of my friends had a rather interesting childhood; his parents were divorced, and his father made up for it by letting him do damn near anything he wanted (though some of that was probably down to inattentiveness). One summer around the Fourth of July when I and another mutual friend were over, he drove the three of us across state lines to fill his Jeep up with illegal fireworks.

When we got back, he told us to have fun and drove off. Needless to say, we started shooting stuff off and blowing up old toys and bits of scrap. Eventually we set the lawn on fire. More specifically, we had a pretty large patch of the lawn covered in smouldering plastic and rubber. Naturally, we decided that we needed to put it out. I was the first inside, so I was the first to spot it: a big ol' glass on the guy's dad's workbench, half-filled with a clear liquid. Being a kid, I assumed it was water and ran to pour it on the fire.

Yeah. That ain't water.

Spoiler: Five bucks and a blown electrical socket (click to show/hide)

Same friend. Same house. Same day, in fact. We'd eventually put the fires out and become bored again. Now, there were several ongoing construction projects, including some which left electrical outlets exposed. My friend bet me $5 that I wouldn't close the contacts on either side of one.

Hey, I was a kid, and that was more than a month's allowance. So I grabbed a pair of needlenose pliers and closed them on the sides of the outlet, creating a magnificent cloud of sparks around a meter in diameter (and as I later found out, wrecking the socket). That was when my friend realized that he didn't have five dollars. At the end of that afternoon every ashtray and flat surface had been swept of change and I was walking very carefully so as to avoid having the $4.67 in my socks clink around.

That's all for now.

[Generally me]

Wow he actually gave you the bet money.

When ever I did bets as a kid and won them, they would rummage around in their pocket and give me a paper clip or something when I was supposed to be getting 3 Gidzillion pounds.

[DJ]

When I was 6 I was sleigh riding and went straight into a waste-deep pond.

When I was 8 I was playing with some friends, I was running and turned my head back to see how far behind they are, and ran into a wooden beam with the back of my head. Got 3 stitches.

About the same age I made a noose and was messing around in a tree with it. While it was around my neck I slipped and almost hung myself, luckily my hands were on the noose too so I managed to keep it spread while I regained my footing.

When I was 12 the war finished and I returned to my hometown. There was lots of military stuff around, so use kids did lots of stupid stuff like taking apart bullets to get the gunpowder, throwing bullets into fire and ducking behind rocks, or jumping up and down on an anti-tank mine.

[choppy]

When I was 6 I was sleigh riding and went straight into a waste-deep pond.

I hope you meant waist-deep.  (Plus how are you still alive?)

[Orange Wizard]

PTW.

I had a boring-ass childhood and never really did anything stupid. Although I might be able to dredge up some memories, we'll see.