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[NullForceOmega]

Okay, it's been around a year since this last got any attention, and I think I've managed to work through some of the problems I have.  That said, I am still having some very serious problems with losing my cool over stupid things.  I can't always avoid encountering situations that push me over the edge, and it seems like the tools I have for handling myself in them aren't improving.  Does anyone have any advice or methods they use when encountering things that they have an extreme emotional reaction to?

[Tiruin]

What you display sometimes matters more than what you feel, due to perceptions. You can feel extreme emotions, but acting on them is a subtle step forward. One way in facing these is visualization; visiting what you think may cause those extreme emotions in a place where you are at peace (eg in mind, in your home[...]). Next is thinking about how you reacted before, compared to how you think is better to react. Ask yourself 'how' questions oriented towards beneficial routines. Ask yourself under pressure when you feel these thinks, what you think about, how you respond, how you think you can respond, and how you communicate under a response.

While this may not be the end result, it is something found helpful in general for people dealing with causes, as it influences how they work with effects.

[NullForceOmega]

So the idea behind this is to compare and contrast previous incidents, and try to formulate better responses in the future?  Tat seems like a good analysis method and exercise, but I am not seeing how it would help during such an encounter.  Obviously it can help deal with the root problem by helping me discern where things are going wrong, but the biggest concern for me right now is the heat of the moment stuff, when I am already engaged.

[Flying Dice]

Mental distancing. It might feel like apathy, but if you really want to avoid that sort of visceral outburst in response to something you find distasteful, you need to be able to step out of the context of your instinctive reaction and train yourself to not care about whatever it is on an emotional level. If you're still able to appreciate and agree with the sentiment that your raw emotional response evoked when you're handling it at arm's length, you've got a more solid basis for your reaction than "That fucking pisses me off!", which helps both in formulating a more coherent, reasoned approach to dealing with it, as well as in justifying your perspective to others. If it helps, when you run into something that makes you feel a particular way, just back off until you've cooled down and can tackle it with a level head.

At least, that's what worked for me. I used to be in a pretty bad headspace and had a really bad temper, it did me a world of good to set aside that sort of gut response to things that pissed me off. Yeah, the burning rage, disdain, disgust, whatever the hell your personal stop is, it can feel good. Makes you feel like you're in the right, that whoever or whatever you're annoyed with is solidly wrong if they can evoke that sort of feeling. But it doesn't help. That's the sort of thoughtless response that gets you into bad situations and pushes you to keep digging deeper.

It's great to recognize that you have a problem with proportionate response and reasoned reactions to negative stimuli, but you've got to do more than observe that if you want to change it meaningfully. That means heading it off before it begins, because it's much more difficult to extricate yourself from that sort of argument when you're already shoulders-deep and riding a high of righteousness. It's no different from training yourself to refrain from any other sort of destructive behavior, save that it's tricky to build that implicit recognition that even though you feel like you're right (and maybe even are, by societal standards!) it doesn't make it acceptable to blow up on someone.

[NullForceOmega]

Well, I run into several problems there, as stated earlier in the thread (and around 12-13 months ago) I tend to be REALLY distant by default, and that hurts my marriage like really, really, badly.  I'm not good at granularity in my emotional state, and even worse at anything that isn't a 'shut down' approach.

If I weren't married we wouldn't even be having this discussion as I wouldn't even have internet and would probably only associate with a dozen people max.  But because I have this very important set of social contacts, and my normal 'don't get involved' stance is N/G, I've got to try to find ways to deal with these things directly.

Also as noted before, backing down isn't something I have a good grasp of, I've been working on it but I'm not sure there has even been any improvement.  As for destructive behavior, my 'handling' of it could be likened to a damn with a broken overflow system, it just builds and builds and eventually overflows in a truly apocalyptic fashion, I haven't hurt or hospitalized someone in around fifteen years, but the potential is still very much there.

I've been looking for coping methods since before I even originally opened this topic, but nothing seems to have any impact.  I promised my wife that once we get settled in somewhere we will find a counseler that I can work with, but that might be a few years away, and I'm really at a loss as to what to do in the meantime.

[Detoxicated]

Hey 1year later. 

I am glad you made some improvements, that is something to value, as it proves your ability to change towards the direction you wished for.

I have some anger issues as well, though the anger bursts usually come up to me after it actually happened because I am very disciplined not to hurt others even in a verbal sense. Some people just are too much and we won't ever be able to change their ways or thinkings.

These people are people that use me or have abandoned me, or people who believe they are better humans than I am...

If it is an insult you are dealing with, e.g. "You are an asshole who couldn't do anything right." you should probably direct a strong thought like, "I am a good person who has achieved alot."
By destroying his insult, turning it into a compliment to yourself, you reinsure yourself in you. You will trust yourself more if you do this on a regular basis. Heck you should compliment yourself in all times you feel down, not just when outer attacks occur. Another method is forgiving the faults of the other person. By realizing that they are wrong and childish and therefore not completely in control themselves you keep them alive and human and you will take some steam out of your boat.

It also seems to me that as you have probably lived the way you don't want anymore, for quite some time, your body is programmed to react in patterns known to it. So obviously it will be hard to get out of these patterns, unless you recognize them. By reinsuring the good relationship of your mind to your body with the above mentioned technique the difference between your "mind" desires and "body" desires will eventually become more alike and you will react less violently. (THough I think you are not actually violent but your body reacts as if it will get into a violent situation).

I don't know how good you are at visualization, but in quiet happy times take the time and sit down and think of these pattern situations that piss you off... Instead on focusing on the wrongs you did or your madness, you respin old situations were you "failed" in your opinion, and just rewrite that scene to have a better peaceful conclusion. As your subconscious does not differentiate between unreal and real things it will program itself into your system and you might have an easier time to control yourself in the way you want the next time a situation like that comes up.

Now, most likely you have some barriers inside of yourself that keep you from your emotional sides. This has something to do with your past, unresolved issues. If you have a rock in a wound the wound will close but the rock will still be there, and layers of skin will grow over it. The rock will hurt you from time to time, even though it seems that it is gone. These metaphysical rocks have to be removed over the years, or you will feel pain at all times and it might get worse. I personally think you probably have removed such rocks over the course of your life, but there are still some remaining as it seems.

Getting in touch with your emotional side is key...

Hey cheer up though you have made alot of progress, and your journey will continue. Most likely you will become better at these things, as you truley desire them.

((IMHO putting all negative emotions down will result in the dam situation you have mentioned. If you put to much pressure on anything it will eventually break. The energies of anger and other emotions must have a way to live, as they are part of you, if you ignore them they will burst on you in bad places))

May blessings of insight and awareness overcome you, brother.

[TheBiggerFish]

Hi, I'm here for moral support.

[Flying Dice]

Honestly, it is a bit hard to tell; I'm not you, and I'm not a mental health practitioner. Obviously allowing negative emotions to build up and boil over is not a good outcome, but some of what you've said previously suggests that you have trouble with proportionate response, so simply reacting as you feel isn't necessarily good either. That's why I brought up distancing: if you don't have a healthy way to cope with negative emotion, dulling it might work.

Obviously you don't want to let that spill over to all of your emotions or interactions, as you touched on. It's very difficult, honestly, to exercise that sort of partitioned control. If you really want a solid piece of advice, I'd recommend finding a good therapist. Nobody here has proper professional training (so far as I'm aware), and none of us actually know you well enough to have as solid an impression of who you are as a person as a close friend might. Thus, the advice you're going to get is going to be general, haphazard, and probably not tremendously helpful.

I will say, however, that there's nothing wrong with being an introverted, distant person, so long as you can be happy. Don't feel obligated to be a social butterfly; if you're more comfortable with a handful of good friends and family that's probably going to be better for you than trying to force relationships that you don't care about.

[Tiruin]

Honestly, it is a bit hard to tell; I'm not you, and I'm not a mental health practitioner. Obviously allowing negative emotions to build up and boil over is not a good outcome, but some of what you've said previously suggests that you have trouble with proportionate response, so simply reacting as you feel isn't necessarily good either. That's why I brought up distancing: if you don't have a healthy way to cope with negative emotion, dulling it might work.

There is also presence of mind Which...works for pretty much all suggestions stated above--FD follows avoidance behavior mixed with softening the impact. Although avoidance behavior cannot solve everything, it may work at first; using communication cues in a diplomatic way to temper down the situation helps, before you start facing it, if it's with other people.

I will say, however, that there's nothing wrong with being an introverted, distant person, so long as you can be happy. Don't feel obligated to be a social butterfly; if you're more comfortable with a handful of good friends and family that's probably going to be better for you than trying to force relationships that you don't care about.

This is true--although in part, pertaining to that you are capable of being social (rather than reclusive and isolated, this is not a way to go, personal experiences with these kinds of behaviors have similarities with lacking awareness to the full extent of what's going on around so it equals a lack of support, or access to support). In between having a handful and forcing--there's always just being open to relationships and making friendships. Not setting limits on happiness, although acknowledging and working with happiness.

Obviously you don't want to let that spill over to all of your emotions or interactions, as you touched on. It's very difficult, honestly, to exercise that sort of partitioned control. If you really want a solid piece of advice, I'd recommend finding a good therapist. Nobody here has proper professional training (so far as I'm aware), and none of us actually know you well enough to have as solid an impression of who you are as a person as a close friend might. Thus, the advice you're going to get is going to be general, haphazard, and probably not tremendously helpful.

Dearly seconded Professionals in this field are very well trained to aid the person. Therapy isn't done online in this form due to the IMPORTANCE of physical interaction and the ability to utilize communication in dynamic forms (ie Here, we only do textual communication, so it is difficult to interface with one's physical behaviors and body language//encourage in or under these mannerisms): It is pretty much stated as an ethical guideline if anyone is curious. (Even if the relationship between a therapist and whomever goes to them is strictly confidential, there are extremely rare cases wherein they only continue via text, and that's not even permanent).

Last piece of advice is being open-minded. I like this thread in that even if, or despite that, things may happen on your part resulting in a negative reaction--you're open to change for the better. That foundation is a very good point for you. \o/
I'm unsure on what I posted before but also having a support group in your area (ie close people with you//people you could talk about to help assess yourself) helps. Asking yourself questions and making personal progress in regards to your concerns also helps.

Hi, I'm here for moral support.

You go, TBF.

[LoSboccacc]

watch all season of friends or any other politically correct to nausea sitcom, pick the stereotipe you despise the less, when talking to generic people use the stereotipe of choosing to filter language and tone

and when you hang out with someone long enough to know he has a pair and can stand a stronger character you, gradually open up. possibly during bonding moments (pubs/events/hiking/whatever)

[TheBiggerFish]

Hey, so...How are you doing?

[NullForceOmega]

Still trying to find ways to handle situations that  push my buttons, having very mixed success.  I do appreciate that people have taken time out from their lives to drop advice here, some of it has been very useful, other bits less so, but not everything works for everyone.

[Ghills]

Still trying to find ways to handle situations that  push my buttons, having very mixed success.  I do appreciate that people have taken time out from their lives to drop advice here, some of it has been very useful, other bits less so, but not everything works for everyone.

Relearning how to handle emotions is very difficult, so congratulations on your progress!  It takes years to build these habits, sometimes it takes years to manage them. :/

Have you tried walking away from a confrontation and going over it later in a different medium?   If you can consistently walk away from an argument before saying something nasty, that at least breaks the habit of going on the attack when upset.  And sometimes it's easier to deal with emotional issues when not face-to-face. 

There's no shame in saying that something is tripping your issues and you need to take a break.  This is especially true when having an argument with someone you're close to about something important.  Say you want to have a good discussion, but you just need it to happen after you've regained your cool.

EX: Right when you start feeling uncontrollably angry/whatever, take a deep breath and say "I {am getting overwhelmed/I know I'm going to say something stupid/am upset by what you just said}, can we come back to this in {pick a time}" and then disengage to write up your thoughts on whatever the argument was about before having that discussion.  This can work regardless of the topic - say your friend was making a joke that triggered your issues, you can come back in 30 minutes and calmly ask them not to make that kind of joke because it's very upsetting for you.

The concrete time frame is really important for anything more serious than an offensive joke! Pick a time that is convenient for the other person, when they are not rushed. You are making an appointment to have a discussion with someone important.  Just saying 'later' or picking a time and then not following through shows that you are not serious and this will not work.   DON'T let things simmer, that is really bad and builds resentment in you and then your emotions become stronger. But delaying until later in that day so you're not in the heat of the moment can be very helpful.

The writeup does not have to be huge.  It can just be a single sentence like "That kind of joke makes me upset because {X}".  For something more serious, like between you and your spouse, it could be a longer outline of your talking points.  It can be notes for a face-to-face talk, but sometimes it's just easier to talk about things via email/text. That really depends on the people involved, though. Getting your points on paper or screen can also help you see where you were being upsetting or nasty. I cannot tell you how many times I have done this and gone "No wonder they were upset, I said something really dumb".

Think of the later discussion like an actual meeting with an agenda, like at your job or a doctor's appointment.  Not everyone will take it seriously, and that's OK. You are doing your part to stay cool and use neutral words, that's what matters. It doesn't have to be long - just a quiet request for someone to stop doing something upsetting counts.

The cooling off time, having notes and the thinking of this like a meeting are all ways to get and keep emotional distance.  It can be disturbing for people who don't have such overwhelming feelings - in this case, say something like "I'm sorry if this seems weird, but I really want to {have a good discussion / not get mad at you / solve the issue without getting upset / stop hearing those jokes} and I want to try this approach so I don't get overwhelmed or emotional". 

[NullForceOmega]

Actually, the walking away (in person) and handling it later has been the easiest part so far, the problem seems to be tremendously amplified online however (likely due to the dehumanization of other parties, text is not the same as face to face.)  It probably sounds strange, but I can't seem to separate these forms of contact for some reason, when I avoid interacting online, I tend to be more withdrawn offline, when I am more communicative in the real world, it carries over to my interactions online.

I'm still working on it, but it is very difficult for me to step away when online, and I am not even sure exactly what makes the problem harder to deal with.  Logically (not a word I should be applying to emotions, I know) it should be as simple as ignoring the things that bother me, they're just words on a screen.  But that actually makes it vastly more angering, because now it is recorded for others to see, and can't be brushed aside.  And again, while it seems like this shouldn't be something that impacts my real-world interactions so heavily, for whatever reason it does.

I've actually been rather surprised at how little difficulty I've had improving my behavior IRL, but I think that maybe I've just transferred the problem to digital media, it's much easier to stay angry at faceless net people than the ones I regularly interact with at home.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

The problem is the one you have identified it as, dehumanization. This is a common problem when it comes to glorious cyberspace, but there are ways around it.

One benefit of online communication is that you often have time, and even when you don't you almost always are not being directly observed by the people you're communicating with. This makes it easy to dismiss them, but it can also make it easy to step back for a moment.

I would personally recommend mental exercises to try and divest yourself of the illusion that you're only talking to a screen. Examples:

- The first, and most simple, is just to consciously put their humanity in the front of your mind. Somewhere else in the world, in circumstances that could be just about anything, someone somewhere else is sitting at a screen talking to you. You could ask yourself "would I ever act like this in someone's face", and not as a question of acceptable hostility, but as one of the kind of standards you yourself want to be held to.

- Ask yourself if you'd accept it if whatever you're doing might be the last straw for someone else. You'll never what happened as a result, or that you were the final cause. But because of one act of casual anonymous cruelty, the scales were tipped. That time could be any time. It might have already happened. It might happen again if you don't take responsibility over your interactions. We can never know how serious another user's current state is. They could be facing eviction, or coming back from a funeral, or having lost custody of their children; all on a day that is to you just some random day without any significance. Every day is somebody's worst day of their life, and there's just no way to know.

- Indulge the conspiratorial thought that the user you're talking to is actually, unbeknownst to you, one of your friends or family. It would be pretty horrid to cause them harm and not even know it.

- This one is counter-intuitive, but consider the possibility that the person you're communicating with might actually be a bot, and you can't conclusively know otherwise. This sounds like it would make the problem worse, but are you really going to get upset at a bot? This can help to illuminate the difference between something that's not actually a person and something you know is a person, but have reduced so far you don't see them as deserving decency.

We all want to tell ourselves that under different circumstances we would act different, that we as non-evil people wouldn't do anything horrible if we didn't have to. But mostly, in the moment (as if life is anything but moments), it's all reduced to what the circumstances dictate as the most pertinent option. To do anything else requires conscious effort.