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[SupremeSandwich]

Basically i've been very good friends with this woman for about 4 months now I always thought of her as a good friend however work separated us for about 6 weeks during which we kept in touch with sporadic texts and met up once. On the seventh week we were working together again however while she wasnt actively refusing to talk to me there was a certain awkwardness and I get the feeling she didnt actually want to spend much time around me. Anyway as of last week I was coming down with severe depression and sent her a text telling her about it she texted back asking about why I was depressed and suggesting I get help I told her I was grateful for the advice and glad to have her as a friend, then during a extremely bad moment I sent her a text saying "I have to ask because I legitimately can't tell and please be honest with me do you actually like me or are you helping just because you're concerned?" about an hour later I sent a text saying ignore my last I had a bad moment as that was when I realised what a stupid thing I'd done she hasnt sent me another text. Little additional backstory shes engaged but at one point she did come on to me however being a moron I didnt actually notice however it occurred to me after I sent the text that the word "like" can have lots of enterpretations. Basically this is the first situation like this I have ever got myself into and I want advice as I really don't want to lose my best friend over something this stupid and I honestly have no idea how to deal with this this situation

[nenjin]

Well, clearly you realize popping the "do you like me" question in the midst of unloading your problems on them wasn't a good idea.

Your next move is to do nothing, or at the very least, apologize for making things awkward for her.

[SupremeSandwich]

I didnt actually mean it like that I meant it more like do you actually consider me a friend

[nenjin]

Ok.....then questioning someone's motives for listening to your emotional problems while they're listening to your emotional problems, also probably not a good idea.

[SupremeSandwich]

I'm a complete idiot

[nenjin]

Once you've gotten over the shock of that realization (which we've all had), internalize the lesson, take some time, get collected and apologize. By text if you lose the nerve to do it in person.

You screwed up, in my view, by letting your hell, for lack of a better word, override your respect for them and the act of friendship that is listening to someone complain/vent/sob/work through stuff. It's not unforgivable. But a show of understanding that their time should be respected, along with an example of "I'm not always like that" is in order.

And do so with no expectation of getting a response back.

[Jo]

Yeah. I was reading this and was like "Oh noes!"

You kinda blew this one. :-(

It's okay though. Live and learn. Not the end of the world, though I betcha right now it sorta seems like it.

She might come back around, she might not. This one is rough and I feel for you.

Problems are best discussed with buddies and family. Usually the lady you are interested in will just mark you as 'crazy' and seek to avoid you. It sucks, but that's how it ends up.

I spilled my guts to a girl once early on, I must have been 19. I didn't know the rules yet, girls spill to you, you don't spill to them. Meh. Anyway at the end of the conversation I'm sitting there all wide open and vulnerable and she's like, "I have a boyfriend." Then walks away.

This was back when conversations of real magnitude happened in person. I think the dynamics are the same nowadays, but text is a bit easier to say something regretful. :-(

EDIT: I don't know if that helped. Sorry if it didn't.

[SupremeSandwich]

I'm 19 trust me the knowledge that other people have done this shit makes me feel a lot better or at least like marginally less of an idiot

[martinuzz]

I just hope for her eyes' sake that your text to her had some more interpunctuation and spacing. If not, she might not have texted you back because she just could not read the entire message. Good chance she didn't even read the embarrassing part.

[AdmiralGeezer]

You are hanging on to her, you are being clingy so to say. Imagine if you had a person that is a bit unstable and has problems in their life, now that person so happens to get to know you and you are friendly to them. All of the sudden that person won't leave you alone, you sense that they might want something more than a platonic relationship (Where it is completely fine to hang out for 6 months and then just kind of not hang out that much, it is ok in platonic relationships). Now because you are an empathetic person you realize that they are betting way too much of their happiness onto you, and you are unsure of this whole relationship to begin with. So you start to distance yourself because you don't want to hurt them anymore than you need to.

You have already demonstrated that you don't quite have your shit together so to speak. But it is ok, you don't need to have your shit together. But you absolutely need to be able to handle your life on your own, and not bet all of your happiness on another person. That will create immense pressure on the other party, and since they cannot respond with the same kind of attachment they will distance themselves.

You need to get your shit together, you need to be able to send a couple of texts and then not send anything for weeks if that person doesn't respond. You need to be ok with them fading away completely. It will be counter-intuitive at first, but this will actually cause people to relax around you. They will know that even if THEY screw up somehow you won't go off and kill yourself. You are a person that can handle shit. Since you aren't there yet this is what you need to build on, and this is what all young men have to go through. It is a part of the rite of passage to becoming a man.

Being clingy will make you more alone than ever. Being relaxed and forgiving will give you friends. The saying "Happiness comes from inside" is about this, it's about developing yourself and your life so that you can function alone. Then it will be so much easier for people to hang around you and not feel the burden of you clinging on to them and you hoping that they will make you happy. They can sense this a mile away, especially women.

Don't worry, you can do this! And always remember to give people space when they signal to you that they need it. (Refering to the "I get the feeling she didnt actually want to spend much time around me".) Here you lay back and let them come to you, or contact them again in a couple of weeks and see where you are at. If it doesn't go back from there you need to start letting that relationship go. It could also turn to something more infrequent for a longer while, which you are ok with if you so want of course.

[Tylui]

We've all done that. Multiple times, too. She probably realized that she liked you too much for someone who's engaged. She's probably more confused about things than you are. Don't get hung up on feeling bad or anything; this too shall pass. I know it feels awkward and mistakey now, but with a quick "Hey sorry about that text, I was having a moment of weakness and I didn't mean to question our friendship" I think things will go back to friends. It'll help her realize that you're willing to just be friends without outright saying as much too. Although I'd say that in person, say, the next time you work together. And she's engaged so you can't be hoping for more than friends with a good conscience I hope.