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[De]

It's certainly making use of available resources.

[QuQuasar]

Question: trying to cage Kor didn't work. I don't think it was knocked unconsious by the cave-in, and so it never got caged.

Is there any other way to capture a forgotten beast, absent a source of spider web? If not, experiments on them are going to be substantially more difficult.

[Taupe]

Question: trying to cage Kor didn't work. I don't think it was knocked unconsious by the cave-in, and so it never got caged.

Is there any other way to capture a forgotten beast, absent a source of spider web? If not, experiments on them are going to be substantially more difficult.

I think Forgotten beasts being hard to experiment on is kind of the point. My guess about why it failed, (and I know a thing or two about forgotten beasts at this point) is that many of them are immune to most status effects and conditions, including getting unconscious. I've seen some of them (fleshy ones at that) walking around for years with their brains turned into miasma by rot, and not flinching from it. The dust from collapŝes will damage and move them, but they won't necessarily get knocked unconscious in the process. Maybe having them fall on the cage trap would help in incapacitating them. Trickier to build, tho.

[QuQuasar]

"Sir! Sir!" shouted Limul, crawling along the rough stone floor towards the spike well.

"Igor, what have I told you?" Professor Quasar Honoredglaze said, holding a war dog over the well by the scruff of it's neck. The sound of a child sobbing could be heard coming from somewhere below.

"Oh, uh... I mean... 'Marthter! Marthter!'"

"That's better. What is it, Igor?"

"Master, that won't be necessary! You don't need to do that."

The professor looked at the dog in his hands, then down into the darkness of the well, then back at the dog. "I think you've made an erroneous assumption about science, Igor."

"Sorry sir, what I'm trying to say is, Experiment 6 is ready!"

"It is? Already? Excellent! Forget this!" The professor tossed the dog against the wall as he left the sobbing well. "Come Igor! We have work to do!"


"Onul! Onul!"

"Udil?" Onul said, distracted from her individual training drill.

"He's gone nuts! He's rounding up all the children! Most of the others don't care but..." Onul gasped in the frozen surface air. "I thought you should know."

There was need to ask who. Onul sheathed her sword and set off at a dead sprint down the main staircase.


Experiment 6: Multi-subject study of extended submersion in water on the dwarven physique.
Apparatus: 1x drainable room, locked by copper hatch. 1x screw pump. 1x water source.
Hypothesis: Test Subjects will adapt to maneuvere better in water. Test subjects will gain increased levels of muscle due to exercise. Test subjects skin will become wrinkly...




There was a crash as Onul burst into the caverns to see Professor Honoredglazes ushering the last of the children into a hole in the cavern floor, and shutting a copper hatch behind them.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"Good heavens, that's quite a voice you've got on you, minion. You remind me of Shofet. He screamed like the devil himself when I..."

"Shut up. What are you doing to these children?"

"Doing to them? My dear woman, what do you take me for? I would never! I'm doing science on them."

Onul grit her teeth. Even if it would cause anarchy in Icehold, this insanity had to stop. It would stop now. She took a step forward, and felt someone tugging at her robe.

"Miss Battleglazes, a word?"

Onul recognised the crippled dwarf. Limul Lashroses. By all accounts, one of the more intelligent and empathetic dwarves in Icehold: sadly, not skills in great demand here.

"What is it Limul? You'd better have a damn good reason for stopping me," said Onul, eyeballing the Professor with her hand on her sword hilt. The professor, for his part, didn't seem to notice, instead turning his back and enthusiastically checking the pump mechanism. He seemed most pleased with it.

"This one is safe," Limul whispered. "This experiment. It's safe."

"Safe? Are you mad? He's just put 20 children in a drowning chamber!"

"23. But he's not going to fill it completely, just up to their chins. It's safe, it will take some time to get results, and it involves all the children. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

Onul stared, suddenly conflicted. "It'll keep him happy and keep the children from being harmed for a while. I see. But still... you can't support this! They're just kids!"

Limul nodded sadly, but with determination in his eyes. "They're children of Icehold. They're tough. They'll get over it."

"No... no this is wrong..." Onul began, but was interrupted by a shout from the Professor.

"Alright minion! Start pumping!"

"Sure thing boss, but... uh... the name's Mistem, boss! Not "Minion"!"

"I know what I said!"



Onul stood by, feeling helpless as water poured into the chamber. She was half expecting screams of terror, but the children stayed silent. They were children of Icehold. They were tough.

Could this really be better than the power struggle his death would create? Or should she just kill him here and now? She still could...

"Onul," Limul's voice was barely audible over the pump. "12 stories above us, there's a side passage on the stairs. Follow it to the microcline door, and bring the child you find there to the forges. I'll meet you there."

"Why, what are you..."

"We're all criminals here, but that doesn't mean you're the only one in Icehold who cares about the kids. Please, just do as I say."

"Okay, stop!" the professor shouted. Mistem stopped pedalling, and the pump stopped.

"Igor!"

"Yeth, Marthter?"

"Bring me my notepad! I have SCIENCE to do!"

"Yeth Marthter."




Report 1: 23 test subjects have been submerged in chin-deep water. During the initial filling, the test subjects were instructed to use one another and the walls for support, to prevent any unecessary injuries. Though the taller subjects are capable of keeping their mouth above water by standing in a tiptoe position, the shorter ones are currently treading water.

None of the subjects are capable of maneuvereing in the water, and most stand in place.

Correction: 24 test subjects. 25 year old male Adil Boltsclapped (Arson), appears to have joined the test by accident. This provides an opportunity to study the effects of age on learning capabilities, so I have elected not to remove him from the test. Also I don't know how to get him out without getting the others out.


It seems the Manera from experiment 3 has died of natural causes. Morul is most upset at the death of his friend.




Honeymoon once again got into a fight with the local cavernlife.



She managed to hold it in place without injury until someone arrived to finish it off.



I should perhaps consider getting one of these morons to do something about the upper caverns. If nothing else, it would reduce the amount of miasma on the main staircase.


After removing the young girl from the spike well, Olon led Monom down the long, long flight of stairs in mutual silence, hoping to avoid meeting anyone on the way. She needn't have worried. The professor had told everyone to leave the forges alone: for now, at least, they had no need for metal.

Down there, lit by the orange glow of the magma forges, she found six dwarves. Limul, who had been propped up on one of the forges. Udil, Honeymoon, Black Pat, and a few others.



"Ah, Onul. There you are. How are-" Honeymoon began.

Onul ignored her, leaning down to the child she'd brought with her. "Go play with the forges for a bit, okay kiddo? But be careful. They're hot."

She stood up again as the child ran off towards the back of the room, and looked at the gathered dwarves. Founders, ex-overseers, leaders. The people in charge. And Limul. "This is about me killing Deduk, isn't it?"

The others shared a glance. Limul paused for a moment before speaking. "Yes and no. The 'baron' was no great loss, but... you're not finished killing, are you?"

"... no, I'm not." Onul said bluntly, folding her arms. "That man is a monster. Even by the standards of this place, he's evil. He needs to die."

Limul shook his head. "I think you're wrong. He's not bad, he just... doesn't see the difference between good and bad."

"And that makes a difference, does it?"

"Maybe, maybe not," said Honeymoon. "It's academic. What matters is that, beepiss insane though he may be, he's a decent overseer."

Onul stared at her. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Not at all," said Honeymoon. "You probably haven't noticed, being a military dwarf. There's no idlers lately. Zaneg is making bins and beds, and Kubuk is making cloth bags. The masons are making food pots instead of useless crafts. The stockpiles have been relocated. Everyone is busy. Icehold is working."

She looked Onul in the eye. "He's not exactly good at overseering. He doesn't even give that many order. But... he has a talent for giving just enough to keep Icehold feeling useful. When they feel useful, they find things to occupy their time without having to be told. Somehow, this pile of psychopathic criminal arseholes are co-operating to keep this place functioning. They're actually acting like something vaguely resembling a dwarven fortress."

Onul couldn't hold back her disgust. "And that's worth a few dead kids, is it?"

"No," Udil growled. "Nothing is worth that. But Limul's right, he's not evil. Compared to some of those here, psychopaths and serial killers... at least the professor isn't trying to hurt anyone. He doesn't get any enjoyment out of it. So long as we can keep him distracted with safe tests, he'll be happy and nobody will have to die."

Onul frowned, rage simmering. "And if we can't keep him distracted?"

"That's why we're telling you this," said Udil. "You're not the only one who cares about the rugrats, but you're the most capable. If there's no other way to protect them..."

"Then I finish it," Onul said quietly. "And you conspirators find us a new overseer."

"I object to the term "conspirator" since the conspiracy in question is about keeping the overseer alive, but essentially, Yes."

There was a hot silence. People generally assume magma makes noise but not when it's still, not when the forges have been abandoned for months...

Finally, Onul nodded, fixing a glare on the small group. "Agreed then, on one condition."

"What's that?"

"We prove we care about the children. We get the miners to build a safe-room down here, with food and beds, and we hide the children here one by one until there's none left to be found above for that bastards testing."



Udil glanced at Honeymoon. The manager nodded thoughtfully. "It's a good idea. Difficult to achieve in secret, but... it makes sense. I'll see what I can do."

Onul nodded, and realised to her surprise she was smiling. She had allies, and a plan now.

"Alright then. Let's-"

Onul stopped suddenly, listening. Udil opened his mouth to say something, but Honeymoon shushed him. In the absolute silence of the forges, very faint yells could be heard from above.

"Something happening? Another giant toad on the staircase maybe?"

Onul shook her head. "No. No, that's too many voices. Something's happening. They're shouting something... it sounds like..."



"... goblins."


       

Experiment 6: Multi-subject study of extended submersion in water on the dwarven physique.

Report 2: Test subjects have begun co-operating. The taller test subjects are now helping to support the shorter ones in keeping their heads above water. Additionally, several of them have discovered a method of floating without needing to tread water, whereby they lie on their back and-

... what is everyone running about and shouting for? I'm trying to take notes here!

*sigh*

I suppose I should go check that out.

[QuQuasar]

Due to the length of the siege, it will be broken up into Part 1 and Part 2.
         
Part 1: Wherein Quasar appraises the goblins motives, seals the fortress, and prepares a viable strategy with which to engage the enemy.


Goblins! Well that was unexpected. I wonder what these dull, barely-sentient creatures are doing all the way out here in the ice? Perhaps they are here to trade. We should ask them if they're friendly.

"I say, goblin fellows! Are you here to trade?"

"What? No! We're here ta kill ya and take all yer stuff!"

"Oh! Well, thank you for your honesty!"

So, apparently they're here to kill us and take all our stuff. Raise the drawbridge.   
     


Oh, it appears "Zulban", the Experiment 2 Test Subject, was sleeping in his ice-mold. Might as well give him a moment to get inside first.       



Excellent. Now raise the drawbridge. We will be engaging the invaders, but we will do so on our own terms.






They have a force of 22 goblins and 10 trolls, one of whom wields a silver short sword that looks more like a dagger than a sword in a trolls hand.



We, meanwhile, have 12 psychopaths with the collective brainpower of around 8. At the very least they're quite practiced murderers.




We also have the drawbridges and a half-finished trap corridor. I had hoped it would gain me a few animated corpses and maybe even a necromancer, but it could not hurt to cage a goblin or two as well. They're nowhere near as interesting or cooperative as my current batch of test subjects, but they still represent an increase in the available local testing resources.

And finally, we have dogs. We have a lot of dogs.



The vast majority of them were trained for war by myself during the year. I admit to finding it somewhat calming training non-sapient minions. If only my fellow dwarves could be trained by alternately witholding and providing raw food in response to correct behaviour.

Hmm... I wonder if they can? I shall need to remember to test that idea after the battle.

I briefly consider retreating to the lower levels and leaving the death-dealing to the more hardened individuals, but this is an ideal opportunity to observe the capabilities of my furry canine minions. I tell one of the dwarves, Udil, to release them from the kennels. I am fairly certain the dogs they will seek me out without needing to be brought up.


Since I fear I will not have time to take extensive notes once the battle begins, strategy will be as follows:

The outer drawbridge will be opened and closed repeatedly. This should have the effect of dropping some invaders into the moat, causing injury, as well as more generally splitting up and confusing their forces.

The trapdoor I had constructed over the main staircase at the beginning of the year will seal off the primary entrance, allowing goblin forces entry via the trap corridor instead. Few traps are yet functional, but this should nonetheless serve to neutralise some of their number.

Dwarven thugs, canine minions and of course my genius self will await in the lever room, where battle will be joined. Though I will be there in a purely observational capacity, it still behooves me to armour myself.       


OOC: This screenshot was taken after the battle, for reasons that will become clear in part 2.

It may take some time to gather all the required equipment, but there will after all shortly be a number of twisted, cruel, barely-sapient monsters swinging dangerous weapons in this room.

And also goblins.


Stay tuned for Part 2: Wherein seriously insane shit happens.

[De]

I've been reading through the Hall of Legends and I surmise that every good succession game has a defining turn that makes it something unique from all the other fortresses there are out there to read about. This is probably The Turn for Icehold.

[crazyabe]

PTW

[QuQuasar]

I've been reading through the Hall of Legends and I surmise that every good succession game has a defining turn that makes it something unique from all the other fortresses there are out there to read about. This is probably The Turn for Icehold.

I don't know about the turn as a whole, but what is about to happen in the next post definitely qualifies as one of my Most Incredible Moments with Dwarf Fortress.

Icehold's militia doesn't play by my rules.

[Shofet]

I just hope I'm not naked....again.

[Taupe]

I just hope I'm not naked....again.

Well that's misplaced hope right there.

[QuQuasar]

Part 2: Wherein things do not go according to plan


Please note: the following is narrated, rather than written from the perspective of Quasar Honoredglaze, for reasons that will become apparent at the end of the post.


"What the hell are we waiting for?" said Dumed. She licked her sword, apparently enjoying the taste of the adamantine blade. "It's cold in here. I wanna get out there, stab some goblins. Make 'em scream..."

"Shut yer gob, Dumed," said Deus, who thought he was in charge. The other militia dwarves were happy to let him think that, for now. "The boss said he needs to get armour. We're waiting on him."

"We're seriously waiting for him?" said Onul, making a disgusted face. "Does anyone here really think that man's presence will help any?"

There was a muttered chorus of "no".

"Shuddup Onul," said Deus gruffly. "Nobody cares what a goodie-goodie like you thinks. We wait for the boss. He said he has a plan."

"I'm tired of waiting," said Dumed. She licked her sword again. "Wanna start killin'. Screw it, I'm pulling the lever."

"No! Don't you dare, Dumed! We've still got people up there!"

"Whoops, I pulled it. Guess we gotta go save 'em."

"Or you could just un-pull it you goddamn moron!"

"Nah. Let one of the civilians get it."

"Urgh. After this is over I'm cutting your lips off," muttered Deus. "Fine. Plan B. Forget anyone upstairs: they're already dead."

"What?" shouted Onul, visibly shocked.

"Aw, c'mon!" said Dumed.

"No! I'm not letting you get us all killed, you moron! We wait for the gobbo's to reach this room through the trap corridor. Get ready..."



(Out of character: I'm not entirely sure why they pulled the lever early, but most likely I accidentally told them to pull it twice when it didn't look they were going to the first time)




"Asmel Clinchedgilds" (serial killer). Thought he was for death row, but was given another chance in Icehold. Found a skill with cutting gems rather than flesh. Found religon in jail, and eventually went on to make "Greatchurches", a red spinel amulet.

"Sigun Meshochre", (blasphemy, treason). First seen in the jail, being haunted by the ghost of As Roofpunches. An otherwise unremarkable life, cut short by the terrible brutality of Icehold.

Both just getting goods from the trade depot, when their lives were so tragically cut short. And finally,

"Urist Clasplarge" (theft). Turned to leatherworking in a prison with no tanned hides. Few friends, even fewer enemies: Urist made very little mark on the world. Indeed, he will mostly be remembered for the manner of his death. (ie. because it was irredeemably stupid)



And there was one other dwarf heading aboveground at the moment the bridge came down...


Ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting.


I'd like to once again introduce you all to "Stakud Whipdangles" (serial killer, aka. "The Eye Stabber"). Having already taken down a cyclops on her own before any others could reach it, as well as landing the killing blow on a forgotten beast in the shape of an enormous rattlesnake, she has thoroughly proven herself on the field of battle.



That said, she may not be the most sane woman in Icehold.

At the very least, going outside into the freezing cold stark naked and armed with a weapon you have absolutely no proficiency in, nor any bolts for, while the prison is being besieged by goblins, is not the most convincing indication of sanity.

Her eyes are glazed. She's not even really looking where she's going: she steps over the cage traps subconsiously. If you listen closely, you can hear her muttering quietly to herself.

"Stab stab stab eyes stabs eyestab? Stab the eyes. Stab the eeeeyes. Eye stab the eyes in the stabbing. Stabstabstab? Stab stab."

She steps out into the courtyard above, and everyone stops moving. Suddenly being confronted by a naked dwarf woman muttering to herself tends to do that.

Stakud looks up to see dozens of goblins in front of her, staring in shock at her with wide, stabbable eyes. And in the sudden silence, she starts giggling.



A silver bolt whistles past her head, but she leans to the side as her giggle transforms into a cackle.

Five goblins leap in, swinging, but she moves like a drunken master, easily dodging their strikes. A sixth aims more squarely, but his hammer is easily deflected with the crossbow. With a maniacal laugh, and she jams the weapon into his groin.



The fight rages...

...

"What's that noise?"

"Is that... is that Stakud's laugh?"

"Shit! What's that nut doin' out there?" Deus shouted.

"Oh my god. She's going to die," said Onul, going pale. She rounded furiously on Deus. "She's one of us! We can't just leave her!"

"Whoa, whoa. Hold on. We don't have to go up there just yet. We're talking about Stakud here," said Deus. "She's a scary lady, she's fully armoured, and with that spear of hers, she's basically invulnerable. She can make it back!"

"'fraid not, boss," chuckled Dumed.

"What?"

"She's not armoured. I saw her earlier. She was... uh... very not armoured."

"You mean she was..."

"Yep. An' carrying a crossbow. No bolts, either. Guess today's not one of 'er lucid days."

"Aw shit. Alright, fine! You win! Everyone follow me! We've got a psychopath to save!"

A chorus of groans went up from those who had thus far stayed silent, but were cut off by Deus's shout.

"YOU'LL FOLLOW ME OR I'LL CUT YOUR GENITALS OFF WHEN WE GET BACK!"




Stakuds crazed laughter had become more pained. Morningstars and spears were harder to dodge, and her heavy crossbow could barely hurt them though their copper armour.



An axegoblin charged her, knocking her from her feet. The crowd of goblins came in for the kill, closing like a flower around her, and the shape of Stakud was lost behind a dozen kicking, stabbing goblins.

Her laughter went quiet.

Maybe it was just sunlight reflected off of goblin skin, but for an observer in the right place at the right time, just for a moment, it seemed her eyes flashed green.




DEAR READER: PLEASE MANUALLY INITIATE THE EPIC FIGHT SCENE MUSIC OF YOUR CHOICE. WE'LL WAIT.


"EYE STAB!"



A maceman went tumbling, flying out across the ice of the courtyard.

"YOU STAB!"



A speargoblin screamed in pain as his leg was crushed.

"WE ALL STAB!"



A lashers face caved in around a calloused dwarven fist.

"FOR EYE STAAAAABB!"



And a chrysanthemum of gore and goblins flew outwards from the insane murderer.

(It's possible I may have chosen to narrate this entire post just so I could use the phrase "a chrysanthemum of gore and goblins")


Stakud moved through the courtyard, periodically alternating between ungraceful drunken staggers that nonetheless had her dodging enemy slashes with a sense of millimeter precision, and the hypnotic perfect dance-fighting of a dwarf in a martial trance.

Joyfully screaming incoherent inanities, she crushed limbs, faces and extremities without so much as a single hit landing on her.


"Hang in there you goddamn psychopath! We're comin'!" Deus shouted as the screaming intensified above him, Shofet and Onul just behind him.

He ran, as fast as his legs could carry him, desperate to save one of the most dangerous serial killers in dwarven history from a death she quite frankly deserved.




But all things fade, and even the power of a martial trance cannot keep a dwarf alive in the face of overwhelming odds if they have no way of dealing lethal damage.



As Deus ran, he could hear her screams fade, leaving nothing but a repetitive banging of metal on metal.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Deus stumbled through the entrance, bracing himself, fully expecting to find a group of goblins bashing Stakud's head in.

What he found was something else entirely...




Stakud looked up from where she was sitting on the ice, grinning like a child with a new toy as she relentlessly tried to bash a goblins head in.

Deus looked about himself.



Bodies littered the courtyard, lying on the ice, on the spare armour lying about, even on each other. Most of them were unconsious, but a few were groaning, swearing or in the case of the one Stakud was bashing in the head, screaming for mercy.

Not a one of them was standing. Deus narrowed his eyes, and drew his sword.



A few seconds later, not a one of them was breathing.




Out of character

Stakud just took out sixteen armoured goblins and a troll swordsman, on her own, naked and armed only with an ammunitionless crossbow she didn't even know how to use. Not as a hammer or as a crossbow.

She broke two fingers and got some cuts on her arms, and a few bruises, but is otherwise completely fine.

STAKUD WHIPDANGLES IS A GENUINE FUCKMOTHERING BADASS.



When Deus, Shofet and Onul arrived, the goblins were dead in seconds. All they had to do was go through and stab 'em all in the head. One or two of them tried to get up, but didn't get a hit in.



After that, Shofet was the first to charge out the door to help mop up the remaining trolls. The cannibal killed two, before slipping from the bridge into the moat.



Luckily, he bounces well, and he even very briefly made a friend down there.



A crossbow wielder known as Bembul Laboredwrung (grave robbery) got rather significantly wounded, and just barely avoided having his brain caved in.



After that, it was just a matter of mopping up the remaining trolls. Deus, Onul and Shofet all got kills, and Stakud, apparently not having had enough, helped.



And thus the siege of 256 came to a close. 4 dwarves lost their lives. Not a single invader kept theirs.



(That's Udil having a panic attack on the bridge, and Bembul one tile to the north of him having a sleep because, y'know, skull fracture)

But I know what you're all wondering. Where in all of this was Quasar Honoredglaze? Why didn't we see this battle from his perspective?

Where, in fact, is the good professor?

Well...



... in the end, he would be most unhappy when he finally traversed the rediculously tall staircase and made it back to the surface.

[Taupe]

That combat log when Deus reaches the surface. That's what I'll be picturing for the rest of my days when I think about coup-de-graces. I just imagine a baffled soldier reaching the surface and casually swinging the dwarven equivalent of a fucking lightsaber as heads just go flying in all directions.

Hilariously enough, despite all this, Stakud the Eye Stabber has not actually earned any title. :/

[QuQuasar]

That combat log when Deus reaches the surface. That's what I'll be picturing for the rest of my days when I think about coup-de-graces. I just imagine a baffled soldier reaching the surface and casually swinging the dwarven equivalent of a fucking lightsaber as heads just go flying in all directions.

I have literally never seen a dwarf kill so many goblins in such a short period of time as Deus did then. I paused just when he crested the staircase, did a quarter-second unpause, and had a pile of freshly minted goblin corpses ready for hauling.

[Shofet]

That armor saved me from being crippled or dead.

[QuQuasar]

That armor saved me from being crippled or dead.

Ooh! Experiment idea!

Except... children can't be made to wear armour.

CURSES. FOILED AGAIN.

By the way, if anyone has any experiment idea's, feel free to suggest them.