Very big difference between constructive criticism (Which i'm sure your reffering to) and Spoons "your character makes no sens" comments. Yes, the character was paranoid/schitzo/bat shit insane with justice archtype. Yes, his bio was third person which is abnormal as should he be.
Also, use words you uncultured swine.
You should still try to handle irritation with a bit more grace.
Doubters will also continue to receive the Stare of Disapproval.
Speaking of which, we seem
nearly ready to start, but several people haven't received direct comments from me yet, so I might as well do a full pass.
Very nice sheet. Gives a very clear image of Sammacle's (rather poor) mental state and personality. Which is funny, because I'm still not sure what he
does beyond management. Also clear, interesting connections to Jezel and to an extent Oggletop, which makes him an easy character to slot in.
Very nice sheet. Very clear, interesting motivation and specialty, and clear connections to Kaikari, Miku, and, in particularly creative fashion, Echtholomon. Easy to slot in.
Very nice sheet. Evocative backstory that depicts a clear, if ambitious, motivation for both mundane things ("gain power") and more specific obsessions ("LOYALTY!"). Fascinating connection with Rotsoul and amusing connections with Telu and Mar.
I don't think I can compete with that. With some luck, maybe I don't have to though. 
Name: Phor Yevell
Epithet: The Siege Architect
Physical Description: The Siege Architect is a vaguely tauric creature - he has the upper body of a red-skinned humanoid with long horns and tusks, but that upper body is growing out of the back of a small elephant-like creature. That part of Phor Yevell's body is gold-skinned with red spots growing more numerous as they approach the humanoid upper body. The elephant body is about as tall as a human, and the humanoid upper body adds half that height again.
Mental Description: Phor Yevell is bossy, boisterous, and easily provoked. He has little patience for those who think and talk rather than act or lead. He is at his most approachable when both he and his conversational partner are clearly building, crafting, or bossing others around.
Bio: Phor once was one of many, his people driven to near-extinction as soldiers for Ocaris. Only Phor persevered and survived the campaigns as far as he is aware, not that he would care if he learned to be wrong. When it became clear that Phor held more promise than just a soldier to die on the fields, Ocaris sold him to Wrack, where he learned a few crafts, but especially architecture and construction. Ocaris and Wrack conspired to make Phor a candidate for the Ebon Pact in the hopes that a certain backflow of materiel would specifically reach them.
Affiliations
- Ocaris (Former soldier for Ocaris, Ocaris acts as a patron)
- Wrack (Former student under Wrack, Wrack acts as a patron)
Contacts
- Tchruun the Scavenger - There is little that is truly useless, a knowledge that Phor and Tchruun share. Tchruun is a crystalline entity that gathers what others throw away, not out of necessity, but to sell it to those who can still make use of it. It doesn't charge much, which suits about everyone just fine, but then, no one is sure what Tchruun needs currency for anyway.
- Oculuternus - The wideseer Oculuternus is a pompous mortal wizard, but an intelligence gatherer of great skill. Though Phor finds it grating to deal with him - and Oculuternus expects to be compensated according to his skill - the tactical insights he can provide typically are worth it, as he had seen during the battles fought under Ocaris.
- Gemarana, the Elemental Smith - Though Phor learned some smithing under Wrack, he didn't quite have the talent for it. He not-as-subtly-as-he-thought procured aid from Gemarana, a snake demon and fellow student. She has great skill in all kinds of smithing and in imbuing smithcraft with elemental properties.
A little on the bland side. We have a clear but kind of boring connection to Ocaris and Wrack, but fairly little personality. A coherent specialty, at least.
I accidentally a novella. 
Highlights include a species of hydras so poorly suited for survival they're just about extinct.
A little on the bland side. A reasonably clear personality, but the goal and specialty are still a little fuzzy; what exactly does he craft and why? Relatively weak, one-way connection to Shakshal, believable but rather shallow connection to Oggletop, and tangential connection to Titikrik. That makes you harder to slot in, but that's a minor point; I can get creative if necessary. More importantly, however, it makes your character feel a little disconnected even from his own past. Shakshal raised you because you grow, Titikrik fruitlessly tried to teach you because he was told to, and Oggletop sells you things because you buy them. You don't need a
strong connection to anything in particular in Bloom, but this feels like one step up from "Oggletop found you in a crate of imported bananas, and then off you scurried."
Name: Vas'nox
Epithet: the Sanguine Arachnid, Father of Ill Fates, The Eternal Weeper of Red.
Physical Description: Vas'nox is a death wraith. He has a skeletal upper body with six arms, his bones are jet black with a metallic shine, as he does not have a lower body half and is constantly floating in midair. His skeletal torso and head are covered in a blood colored hooded robe which seems to be constantly bleeding.
Mental Description: Vas'nox has been known for having the patience of stone, willing to wait for the right time and place for his schemes. If there was a creature that could describe him and his scheming ways it would be the spider, he weaves his webs of plots and lays in wait for he enjoys watching the flies struggle in his web of schemes. While he is a schemer, he also loyal to those whom have done him right in the past and has shown that he worthwhile ally and a fatal enemy to be made, especially if he is betrayed. He is calm never truly showing his true intentions or emotions, only close allies are ever shown his emotions or given details to what he is currently plotting.
Bio: Vas'nox was created from the collective will of souls that were tortured and killed with the inability to resist their oppressors, Vas'nox rose from the dead on the night of a red moon. When the Wraith of death, clad in crimson rose, the oppressors whom had been the ones with overwhelming power over the poor souls, now were trembling in fear at what their actions created. Vas'nox killed every last one of the oppressors in anger, some went quickly with clean deaths, others were toyed with before they were killed, it had been what the souls had wished for. However with their deaths, Vas'nox became a single minded entity as the souls of the past were satiated and pasted on.
A few decades later upon hearing rumors of the City of Bloom, Vas'nox grew curious as to what the city had to offer and ventured there. It was here he felt powerlessness his past lives had felt when he compared himself to many of the beings that dwelled in the city. Vas'nox realized he could not stay as he was, he needed to gather more power in order to prevent experiencing the same powerlessness his past lives had gone through.
Affiliations
-Asudarai Kei Talmalach, Empress of Strength: Currently the master of Vas'nox and as such Vas'nox hold her in high regards. Though it was not always this way he had at one point been her enemy, during his early decades in the City of Bloom he had managed to build a small power base within her territory. This was an insult to the Empress and could not be tolerated but she had heard rumors of the Wraith and the clever schemes he would employ to raise in power. So she invited Vas'nox to her home to for a "discussion". When he got there she stated that if he did not join her, she would destroy him, leaving him little choice Vas'nox pledged himself to serve her. The Empress of Strength soon learned how Vas'nox came to be and was impressed that his past lives over came death in order to avenge themselves. Seeing potential in Vas'nox she made him her apprentice teaching him how to gain status and power ever since.
Contacts
- Ntytocrypt, is an aberration that resembles a large barracuda that is capable of communicating through telepathy, floats in the air and has the ability to go into a sub-dimensional which allows him to listen in on the nearby area. While he excels at information gathering, but he doesn't have many techniques to use to defend himself from attackers, preferring to stay hidden than fighting. He is currently Vas'nox spy master, if Vas'nox is found talking to himself there is good chance that he is speaking to Ntytocrypt.
- Countess Shylas von Black-Blood is a Vampire Noble whom deals in trade all over the city but does not specialize in any one good for long, whether it is gems, slaves, etc. She precurs items for Vas'nox from time to time, if he has a particularly item hes looking for she will aquire it for him, well at a price. Shylas became allies when Vas'nox "dealt with" her husband in a business deal before his disappearance allowing the Black-Bloods to prosper.
-Sir Mordred, a ghost of a human whom was was a brilliant tactician and fighter when he was alive and for the right price is more than willing to fight on behalf of Vas'nox or advise him on tactics when the need arises.
Somewhat problematic sheet. I have a bunch of nitpicky details about your origin and ascension, but I'll try to stick to the important stuff save as the minor faff is applicable to the real issues.
Notably, your origin doesn't explain anything about you. You're a wraith that arose to avenge the brutal massacre of helpless people, but that doesn't actually tell us anything about you currently. The one place it becomes relevant seems kind of awkward as well; you say you felt the same sense of powerlessness as your original soulset upon entering Bloom, but comparing "being tortured to death in a jail cell" with "there's a lot of entities stronger than I am here" seems weird and strained.
This issue also kind of shows through in that your motives are unclear. We have your
methods down- patient and schemey- but not what you want or why, other than "power." Which is, awkward origin motivation aside, a really vague and universal goal, especially amongst demon lords. Finally, your only connection to Asudarai Kei Talmalach feels one-sided and strange, in a similar vein.
Basically, you don't seem to have a coherent theme. You want power, but not in any interesting way or for any interesting reasons, and other than being schemey about it you don't have much in the way of (interesting, not-universal) personality either.
Name: Ghol-Tan
Epitath: The Executioner
Physical Description: A combination of an Orc-Humanoid body with Elf looking ears. His face is notoriously scarred from self-flagellation and his eyes of dark purple can luminate a particularly dark time. He his physically imposing and wears hard leather body armor and carries a large and sharp two-handed axe with bone decoartions.
Mental description: I am the Law! The Law is above all. The law must be upheld. Without order this city will never, no the entire world will never be successful. I must uphold the law at all costs. No one shall get in the way of justice. (Simply put obsessed with bringing justice).
Bio: Although the beginning of Ghol-tan are unknown many speculate it started with Asudarai Kei Talmalach the Empress of Strength. He rose through the ranks of her army to become an officer in her armies. He known to harshly discipline his comrades for anything and even executed commanding officers for their perceived faliures in the eyes of the Empress. His goal of "Justice at any costs" brought him many enemeis but none dared to challenge him and even the executed knew that he always had a point.
Those few that decided were lucky to avoid execution were pardoned by the Empress, committed suicide, or sold their soul to a demon in exchange for defending them in Military courts. Ghol-tan's kind are known as the Orath who usually function as tribes devoted to serving the Empress but at a certain age tend to serve other Lords and mortal beings for personal gain. When Ghol-tan was offered the rites to go he said to have simply grunted in approval and served Shakshal the Demon of Ascension as his chief enforcer of his guards.
He has been blessed by Shakshals 'Blessings' and grown larger, stronger, meaner, and now even has the power to harden his body against explosions and fires. He is always seeded during the "Kings Tourneys" in the city and sometimes even wins the tournamnet for his masters glory. That said, his enemies are beggining to be annoyed with his executions, bullying, and dismanteling of their grey line operations to the point of assasins have begun to attack Ghol-tan in his home, patrol, and office. Even his own lord has been annoyed as Ghol-Tan constantly looks for corruption even amongst his own agents for justice.
Affiliations:
Asudarai Kei Talmalach, Empress of Strength - The old Mistress. It is her strenght that made the law. It is she who made me..and yet she does not remember where I came from or why. How I loved her and wanted to continue the fight on her side but the rites were simply too tempting. They tempted me with giving justice to the whole world and now I am at odds with my kin. Or at least those who broke the law. She will always be fond in my memories but in the end those are the golden times that have passed. I pray to her once a week thanking her for her oppertunitites and wishing well on her and my brothers endeavors. The Just ones of course.
Shakshal, Demon of Ascension. The law must be empowered and only Shakshal can do this sufficiently. I must have more even though he is of..dubious interests. Should he ever step to far out of line though, then they may call me God-King Slayer. I pray to him daily and I know he hears me although sometimes I feel he does not.
Contacts:
Zumon - Partner in crime. A Drider created by Omnulcrimni. He is said to have broken from his brood at an early age and fought against his Queen mothers on many occasions. He has no love trust in anyone but me when we joined forces under the Empress long ago. He and I rose through the ranks but unlike me he stayed with the Empress. We still meet and discuss law, philosophy, and current events at Paul's tavern. He tells me alot about the politics going on within the Empress agents as well as the other cities factions. He knows I am not chained to sheer belief except the Law. Zumon..He likes mating alot and I can't tell how long ago the billions son and dauther were born or how the familly tree looks like right now.
Paul - Owner of the broken stool tavern. He is a human who cares deeply for his daughters who work as waitresses in his tavern. He always buys me a beer for my services in the past where I defended the tavern from a gang of outlaws who wanted to extort him. I remember them going as far as kidnapping Mariel his first born. They don't breath anymore and paul likes it that way. He's a fat man who I swear would hibernate if it weren't for the business he has to keep up.
Jebidiah - Crime boss for the criminal enterprise of Crimson Coin. He works within the law and out of the law to make his coin and then spends it in various business ventures that fail. Jebidiah and 'The coin' are an extortion group of Drow thugs who left their society to find profit here from this cities corruption. We've met several times but always eluded me with magic, smoke pellets, and once with god knows what he did. Because of his Services to the Kings agents he is always being pardoned which makes my job harder..but one day he'll slip up and hell be at my mercy. On the meantime I enjoy executing his rank and file Coin men at the public squares. I can tell he hates me but also cannot do much against me or for his men.
So is only one application going to be accepted or are multiple players playing?
Somewhat problematic sheet. A fanatically justice-obsessed zealot can be interesting to a point, but your character seems awfully one-dimensional for the lord of an entire city. It also seems like he might be over the top enough to be more of a hindrance than an asset, which raises some other questions. Your connections to Asudarai Kei Talmalach and Shakshal also seem one-directional (they give you stuff) and flat (we're not sure why). I feel like you have a coherent concept, but that you never developed it beyond pushing the lever all the way forward.
Flipping the table at Demonic makes me concerned as well.
well.....I gave my character a bit more detail....
I don't believe you, because I don't think you
have a character. I still think you're trying to play without actually coming up with a character, and so trying to think of and add vague things you might like or do as ways to enhance your character. But that's not going to work if
no character exists.the more time and effort, the more "heart" he has put into something the more likely he will become angry if you mess with it, without asking first.
This would be Exhibit A for this notion. This is true of
literally everyone. If this
wasn't true it'd be an interesting, noteworthy character point. There is no reason to include this in your character sheet unless you were pretty much sitting there, scratching your head, thinking "what else am I liable to do this game...?" and realizing that you aren't going to want other demon lords messing with your stuff. That's not coming up with a character and it's not developing a character, because there's nothing there to develop. You can't assemble a sweet car by tossing fine rims onto the headlights you've got there. You need a chassis first.
If you want to get in, you need to come up with a
concept first. "Forsaken loyalty-obsessed god" is a concept. "Ambitious fleshwarper" is a concept. "Fanatical justicar" is a concept. "I'm probably gonna make swords at some point and be, like, dark but not evil" is not a concept. Plans and tendencies can certainly
inspire a concept, but you need to actually condense it into a theme to be useful.
Otherwise you're just going to be stuck sitting there, pointing out that "I, uh...
don't like being punched... in the dick?" and pretending that tells us something about who or what you are.
Author
Topic: The Ebon Pact [Intro: Entrenched] (Read 17980 times)