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[Demonic Spoon]

Ask if the proper paperwork has been filed. If yes, accept position.

[Jack A T]

Ask if the proper paperwork has been filed. If yes, accept position.

You ask.  The man in black shows you several different required papers, but one is missing: security clearance.  You need a top secret security clearance.  You bring it up.  He responds, "Your security clearance will be given after a simple background check.  Is there anything we should know about you?  Can you give two character references?"

Spoiler: Mathemagic (click to show/hide)

Handler of the Arcane Papers
Mathemagic: Extend/Retract Staff, Repair Coffee Maker, Light, Elemental Bolt, Justify Policy, Do Paperwork, Create Paperwork, Search Archives, Force High Five, Set Timer, Timed Explosion, Build Paper Mech, Harden Paperwork, Create Jewelry, Create Paperwork Animal

[RAM]

Tragic Transvestite Transformation!
Become Alice Beaker, Planetary Protector.
Lament that as soon as each attack is thwarted, you teleport to a seemingly-random bureaucracy-related location and a time just as a new attack begins.
Sense where the latest Droge attack is occurring and teleport to it. only you can stop them from destroying Earth!

[Ozarck]

"I am clearly insane and would be a security risk. you would do better placing me in a maximum security wing without my staff, calculator or rings, under heavy magical guard to prevent me from wrecking everything else. Seriously. I tried to fight a magic girl with a mech made of paper, tried to extinguish a fire with paper, and tried to murder the girl I asked to marry me -who had already killed me once - by putting jewelry in her lungs. There is no justification for my actions. It's like I am the plaything of the stupidest gods in all the multiverse."

pause

"Hey, can I get a Pillow and Blankets? I'm kinda thirsty."

[Demonic Spoon]

"I am clearly insane and would be a security risk. you would do better placing me in a maximum security wing without my staff, calculator or rings, under heavy magical guard to prevent me from wrecking everything else."

+1

[Ozarck]

quoted beore I could modify. nice. Heh.

[FallacyofUrist]

"I am clearly insane and would be a security risk. you would do better placing me in a maximum security wing without my staff, calculator or rings, under heavy magical guard to prevent me from wrecking everything else."

+1

-1, you fool!

"I'm joking. Really, I'm just a mathematician. A very good one."

[Jack A T]

"It's like I am the plaything of the stupidest gods in all the multiverse."

Bay 12 suggestion games, everyone.  Though we're more chaos-loving than stupid.

[Ozarck]

Right, right. But from that guy's perspective, if he had any sense at all, or expected any sort of rational reality, or just had that one voice in his head ... he would certainly think that way.

[Ozarck]

"I am clearly insane and would be a security risk. you would do better placing me in a maximum security wing without my staff, calculator or rings, under heavy magical guard to prevent me from wrecking everything else."

+1

-1, you fool!

"I'm joking. Really, I'm just a mathematician. A very good one."

"I'll prove I'm just kidding and am in no way insane and have all the skills necessary for your department, after having died twice to the same coffee shop girl. Wait? is dying to a coffee girl bad in your eyes? Pretend i didn't say that. Look, there is a reasonable -"
And then slap the shit out of the guy, with our underwear.

[FallacyofUrist]

"I am clearly insane and would be a security risk. you would do better placing me in a maximum security wing without my staff, calculator or rings, under heavy magical guard to prevent me from wrecking everything else."

+1

-1, you fool!

"I'm joking. Really, I'm just a mathematician. A very good one."

"I'll prove I'm just kidding and am in no way insane and have all the skills necessary for your department, after having died twice to the same coffee shop girl. Wait? is dying to a coffee girl bad in your eyes? Pretend i didn't say that. Look, there is a reasonable -"
And then slap the shit out of the guy, with our underwear.

"Ah. Sorry, I have multiple personality disorder. Please don't take this the wrong way."

[heydude6]

"What are you talking about? Multiple personality disorder has been proven to not exist."

[Nunzillor]

"I am clearly insane and would be a security risk. you would do better placing me in a maximum security wing without my staff, calculator or rings, under heavy magical guard to prevent me from wrecking everything else."

+1

-1, you fool!

"I'm joking. Really, I'm just a mathematician. A very good one."

"I'll prove I'm just kidding and am in no way insane and have all the skills necessary for your department, after having died twice to the same coffee shop girl. Wait? is dying to a coffee girl bad in your eyes? Pretend i didn't say that. Look, there is a reasonable -"
And then slap the shit out of the guy, with our underwear.

"Ah. Sorry, I have multiple personality disorder. Please don't take this the wrong way."

"Yeah, I'm just the guy you need to liven the place up, am I right?  High five!"
Force a double high-five and try for the rare simultaneous foot-five.

[Ozarck]

"Do the voices in my head count as references? I got lots of those. they don't quite qualify as multiple personality disorder though - they'd have to have personalities for that."

[FallacyofUrist]

"Do the voices in my head count as references? I got lots of those. they don't quite qualify as multiple personality disorder though - they'd have to have personalities for that."

"Don't be ridiculous, of course they have personalities."