Y'all want to hear about 'that guy' DM and his magical realm?
>It all started after we killed evil lord what's-his-face #9834 from taking over the world.
>Together, us six adventurers from some small town of no real importance had accomplished the unaccomplishable. Shut up, it's totally a word.
>The first of us is Delirious, the helf-elven mercenary Fighter, and his trusty adamantine elven curved blade, Tetris.
>Next is our aasimar Cleric, Dicker, who tended to our wounds and gained a hard-on for killing undead the second he found out his goddess hated them.
>Followed by Vandal, our ratfolk Rogue/Wizard who did just about everything so that no-one else could have fun.
>Then there is... Uhh... Our catfolk Investigator. Not really memorable. Stupidly high AC though.
>One I do remember is Shitaki, the human Ninja. He tripped things, and liked to stay invisible all the time.
>Finally, there is I, the aasimar Paladin. I hit things, with the help of my trusty horse, Horse. Not really, it was just a glorified meat motorcycle during the entire campaign.
>I finally got around to statting and gearing Horse after the campaign was over. It is a beast, and I regret not using him.
>After our mission had been completed, we parted ways.
>Anyways, the player of Vandal wanted to run his own campaign, with all of our characters returning. Unfortunately, we obliged.
>Five years had passed since the group had last been together.
>No-one did much. Paladin went on a pilgrimage. Cleric went on an undead hunting safari.
>Fighter kept on fighting, Investigator did nothing.
>Ninja went home to his emperor, and trained more ninjas.
>Wizard stole the big bad evil guy's tower for himself.
>Suddenly, one day we were all attacked by demons that literally appeared out of thin air!
>Yea, I know, it's stupid. Just roll with it. It's not that bad yet.
>Forced to fight a demon one-on-one, whatever shall we do?
>Paladin obliterates a pit fiend without breaking a sweat.
>Investigator can't hit for shit, but can't get hit due to high AC. Eventually nickel-and-dimes it to death.
>Cleric spends several turns self-buffing, gets to a point where he can no longer be hurt.
>Outraged, the demon levels an entire town to goad the Cleric.
>Fighter gets dominated by demon.
>"Oh wait, don't half-elves have a resistance to mind effects?"
>"Damnit! Okay, fine." Fighter is fine, cuts demon in two.
>Ninja gets stunlocked by demon.
>Ninjas_have_poor_fort.png, HFW: (;-;)
>Other ninjas nearby see this, and use the Ninja's friendship bracelet to port in Cleric.
>Before porting, Cleric uses his own bracelet to port in Paladin.
>Round_Two_Bitches.avi, today is the day of the paladin.
>Cleric arrives in ninja-land, doesn't understand a word they are saying. No points in linguistics FTW.
>Sees demon, knows what to do anyways. Uses a prismatic sphere, which turns it to stone.
>Battles are over. Cleric uses bracelet to port everyone in.
>Where's Wizzy?
>Go back to BBEG's lair. Now a large bustling town thanks to Wizard.
>No-one has seen Wizard for weeks. Assumed he was studying in his library as normal.
>Enter tower. Pretty much destroyed. Found Wizard in library. And kitchen. And in various other rooms.
>Cleric uses true-resurrection, hears a voice in his head.
>Voice says that this was the last raising of the dead he could ever perform.
>OhShit.jpeg, running DarkSouls.exe
>Ask Wizard what happened. "Demons, dumbass."
>"We should go find out why we were attacked!"
>Nah, I was planning on just sitting here and waiting for the next wave of them.
>All somehow back in ninja-land
>Not even sure of how we got to tower in the first place. All Aboard the Magical DM Railroad?
>Ask what to do next. Wizard has an idea.
>Overheard demons talking about where they were going next.
>Off to Katapesh, which is a ways a way the fuck south from where the country the adventure started in.
>"Wait, aren't we in a completely different continent?"
>"Right, that's why the Ninja's emperor has commissioned a magical flying boat that can travel from here to where we need to be in less than a day"
>Couldn't one of us just use teleport? Nah, that would imply logic. Magical flying speedboat time!
>Arrive in city of Katapesh, the capital of the country Katapesh.
>That's actual canon. Probably the only correct use of it in the entire adventure!
>Ask around to find out who may know of the demons' target. Beggar boy says he can show us to the regent for some silver.
>Cleric gives him 300 gold for showing us the way. Kid is probably one of the richest people in their district now.
>Ask guards to let us through, and they oblige after learning of who we are. They call the regent, who has a feast prepared for us.
>See slaves. No es bueno.
>Get angry over slaves.
>"But slavery is law here!" the DM says. "As lawful characters, you respect it!"
>Cleric and Paladin follow a goddess of freedom. DM shit won't fly.
>"But wait!" the DM implored; "You hear the voice of your goddess in your head!"
>She said that she is fine with slavery, and for us to ignore it.
>Eating feast, regent calls for entertainment to be brought out.
>Half naked, obviously starved bard comes out and is made to sing. DM says we are fine with it again.
>Bard does not sing well enough for regent's liking. Backhands her, and has guards strip her and start whipping her to make her sing better.
>All the lawful characters are forced to applaud by the DM.
>Fighter is chaotic good, and so is the only one allowed to step forward and call bullshit.
>Wrestles guard with whip, begins whipping him in return.
>Get booted out of the castle, but are welcomed to return whenever (??)
>Learn that regent has no real power, but the council that puppets him is even worse.
>Wizard and Cleric sneak into castle, asks Bard how we can free her.
>Told that the only way to win the regent's favour would be to win a gladiatorial tournament.
>We enter, and are faced up against a bunch of level twelves and one level twenty.
>Numpties go down easy. The level 20 rage prophet almost murders the fighter with one full attack action.
>We win, barely. Regent asks what we want as our prize. We want Bard.
>Tell Bard our situation. She somehow knows where to go.
>Leads us out to the desert, towards an abandoned mansion.
>Wandering around desert for a few hours, see a group up ahead being assaulted by some flying things.
>Approach closer, roll perceptions.
>Just about everyone gets it. Even Horse.
>Gnolls. Riding dragons! How could this be?
>No ranged support, lol. Have to ready actions to swing as the gnolls use flyby attack.
>Paladin detects evil. Gnolls are, dragons aren't.
>Cleric uses some anti-evil ray, kills a gnoll.
>Horse lands on ground, breaks its neck.
>Party's face when: O_o
>"That dragon was a horse!?"
>Actually ingenious use of archetypes to be a dick with gnoll cavaliers.
>Few horses survive, all gnolls are dead. Calm horses with handle animal, give them to the gnoll's victims to ride to safety.
>Continue on to mansion, eventually see it.
>Was not expecting there to be servants still there.
>Inform them of master's death. They don't care, still keep the place maintained.
>Doorman won't let us in. We all try diplomacy, intimidate, and bluffs.
>"WTF, we got well over 40 on some of those rolls!"
>Bard walks up. Fondles doorman. He lets us in.
>Explore a bit. Notice everyone avoids basement. Go to walk down.
>Warned that no-one is allowed down there, and those that go down never return.
>Well, now we have to.
>Walk down, see pressure plate on ground.
>"Disarm it? Investigate it? Nah, let's just force the paladin onto it. He's got good saves, right?" Assholes.
>Step on, lots of grinding noises made, but nothing seems to happen. Continue on.
>Walk into next room. Filled with golems. Plate triggered hidden walls.
>Wizard stonewalls the enclaves that they were pouring out of.
>Send Ninja and Investigator down the hall to grab what they can from the office and flee.
>Rest hold off the golems.
>Ninja grabs everything shiny. Investigator finds odd remote in a desk.
>They look around. Glass office, glass hall.
>Seemingly endless in all directions. Nothing but machinery building golems and pushing them against the stone wall.
>Suddenly loud banging. Investigator turns towards sound, and sees a colossal adamantine golem running at breakneck speed towards the party.
>Machinery breaks as the golem runs through it. The entire mansion shakes.
>The ground shakes for literally miles around.
>Everyone books it upstairs. Servants ask what the hell is going on.
>Investigator pulls out remote, asks who can use magic devices.
>Ninja takes it, yells "STOP!" at the remote. It works.
>We also discovers it summons a flesh golem. But flesh golem are putz at this level, so meh.
>Ninja pulls out shiny thing, we all stare at it.
>Everyone feels the urge to touch it. We are all blinded by a flashing light.
>Everyone comes to in desolate wasteland. Attempts to discern location yield nothing.
>Only thing of note is a massive tower off in the distance. We cannot see the top.
>Hear sounds of battle off in the distance; run towards it.
>See a lightly armoured figure in combat with two medusae.
>Sexy, unclothed serpent ladies.
>We help the lightly armoured guy.
>Giving a CR7 mythic tiers doesn't magically make them equivalent to level 20s.
>Mysterious figure reveals himself to be a dragon so large that it is several categories above colossal, the largest category in the game.
>Says he is the herald of one of the gods. I forget which one.
>We ask where we are. "How could you not know? You are in Planescape!"
>As thanks, he takes us to the plane of Bytopia.
>Implying he totally couldn't have handled that himself, even though he is stronger in human form.
>Go to search for someone who could tell us what the shiny thing is, as Dragonman didn't know.
>Come across a gnome fisting Hades.
>DM lets joke go on for too long. He had his hand in a portal to the plane of Hades.
>Describes in graphic detail of all the soot and slime coating his arm before letting us in on the joke.
>Ask him to look at the shiny thing. He says it is some sort of device that lets you do a lot of stuff in Planescape.
>Can't remember what it's called, can't be assed to look. I don't think it is from Pathfinder.
>He demands we give him it, we say no and head to the tavern for rest.
>During the night, DM asks us to roll perceptions. Those who pass hear the Bard and the Cleric having sex.
>DM rolls, reveals to us out of context that Bard is now pregnant with twins.
>Still don't know she's a succubus.
>Next morning, we hear the entire bar in an uproar.
>The blood war between demons, daemons, and devils has ended, and all have united under Asmodeus, the ruler of devils.
>Even neutral entities have jumped to Asmodeus' side. Even neutral deities that oppose evil.
>Some even have paladin orders. How the hell does that work?
>Decide that best course of action is to planeshift to Heaven.
>Climb mount Celestia, or whatever it's called.
>Apparently all gods reside in huts at the top. Walk into one real loud one.
>All good deities discussing what to do about the fact that it is now good versus everything else.
>Eventually meeting adjourns, and all except Paladin/Cleric's goddess disappear, plus the god of revelry, who fell asleep during the meeting.
>Fighter worships god of revelry, asks to share a drink. God beats him over the head with a mug.
>Because that's totally what a god of revelry and comradery would do.
>He then disappears, and our goddess asks us to come to her hut to discuss a course of action.
>Reveals that Bard is a succubus. No-one really cares.
>Wants to be Cleric's baby-momma to earn redemption.
>We walk into goddess' hut. It's a massive pool inside.
>Goddess starts giving us a strip-tease, talks about what is going on.
>Asmodeus has somehow taken over Sigil.
>His goal is to release Rovagug. A god so evil and destructive that he literally has no allies.
>Even the most evil of gods helped to seal him away because he is just that evil.
>Wait, if the devils and demons have sigil, and have banded together, then why don't they just pour out of the Worldwound and take over the material plane?
>"They decided to close the wound"
>Thanks for filling your plothole with another plothole.
>Goddess starts swimming naked, asks us to go back to the gnome and get him to get us into Sigil using his portal powers.
>Explains how the Lady of Pain decided she finally wanted to be recognized as a deity, and have followers and worshippers of her own.
>Wizard starts swimming with goddess, and starts fingering her.
>Lady of Pain handed Sigil to Asmodeus, so that he could help her.
>Fucking WHAT!?
>No known way into Sigil. Have to get there somehow.
>Remember Mister Fister, the gnome we met earlier.
>Not his actual name, we just never found out what it is.
>We did ask him, but apparently he hasn't heard it in so long that even he has forgotten it.
>Planeshift back to Bytopia, discover it in ruins.
>Run towards sounds of combat, find two demons in the tavern we slept at earlier.
>Balor has the gnome, another demon is finishing off the last few survivors.
>Fighter cleaves the lesser demon in one swing.
>Suddenly the room fills with gas.
>Roll for Fort, bitches.
>We make the save, another demon walks out of the toilets.
>Doesn't have an aura or anything, it just let off a nasty shit.
>WhyDM? O_o
>Shitdemon raises its hands, and all dead patrons rise as skeletons.
>Level one skeletons. Cleric laughs, channels, and watches as they all turn to dust.
>DM was pissed. Seriously thought that the skeletons could threaten us.
>Paladin tries to smite shitdemon, charges to hit, and fails.
>Has bullshit ability that allows it to negate a number of attacks per round equal to its Con bonus.
>Fighter sidesteps, tries to cut balor down.
>Balor makes sunder attempt against Fighter before he could swing.
>Passed Fighter's combat maneuver defense, auto-destroys the adamantine blade.
>Bullshit.png
>DM tells Fighter that infernal magic destroyed the blade irreparably, and it can only be restored via a greater miracle or wish.
>Costs 25k to cast the spell.
>Shitdemon starts trying to summon. We have enough time to kill it before it finishes.
>Finish off balor via dogpile.
>Cleric uses a miracle to resurrect all the patrons. DM allows it.
>Free gnome from the balor's whip, we all return to Heaven.
>Once gnome is safe, we get him to open a portal to Sigil for us.
>Now in Sigil, but we know nothing about it.
>No-one took knowledge planes. We're dumb fucks.
>Look around a bit, ask everyone we can where the nearest library is so we can study.
>Spend several hours staring at the many strange creatures instead.
>Eventually meet a minotaur who says he can show us where to buy a guide.
>Sense motive reveals he is telling the truth. Cleric bribes him 2k to show us anyways.
>Dumbass wasting his money.
>He brings us down a back alley, we're expecting an ambush.
>He actually shows the way, but Paladin and Cleric can't enter, due to being forms of authority.
>Everyone else walks back out with a skull. Apparently enchanted to act as a sapient guide.
>Cost 50k. Dumbass wasting his money.
>Paladin and Cleric unhappy about the skull.
>DM assured us that the owner's soul had been able to move onto afterlife just fine.
>Ritual required to create skull was evil though, and specifically requires an unwilling sacrifice.
>Ask skull what it knows about Sigil.
>Jon_Snow_Gif.gif
>Dumbass wasting his money.
>Start wandering around Sigil, asking random passerby where we might find demons.
>Get told to head to the poor industrial district. Constant war over there.
>Eventually arrive, see demons picking on tiefling for not being a true fiend.
>Charge in, being the good guys we are.
>Ninja tries to trip one. Natural 20.
>"You aren't tripping my monsters! Combat maneuvers are bullshit!"
>Ninja's pissed. Tripping is all he was built for.
>His face when he realizes he's too optimized: (;-;)
>Eventually end battle. Wasn't that interesting.
>Tiefling was of no importance, flees after we save him.
>Hear conversation nearby, Wizard says he'll go investigate.
>Sneaks over easily, he has permanency'd invisibility.
>Sees demons trying to talk fire giants into joining them.
>Wizard sneak attacks them, using some rays and a quickened prismatic spray.
>Kills all but two.
>DM starts bitching about how the encounter was ruined.
>Wizard is DM's character. Dumbass.
>Fight anyways, win easily. Ask to be friends with fire giants.
>"Fuck off".
>Fine. We keep wandering anyways. Fight tons of very weak demons and devils.
>Like, CR 1/3 to CR 7 weak.
>Eventually come across a mansion that somehow isn't damaged.
>We go to enter. DM forcibly splits us up by gender.
>The front door was a portal.
>Investigator and Bard in the mansion proper. Everyone else in some sort of basement.
>Ninja and Wizard scout ahead, come across kitchen.
>Some sort of giant cooking meat. Ninja tries to sneak attack it.
>Giant is undead, and is immune to sneak attacks.
>Hearing fighting, everyone else runs over. Curbstomp ensues.
>While we are fighting the undead giant, the Bard is trying to convince the Investigator to have a lesbian orgy.
>Bard reveals she is pregnant, tries to leverage that as a fetish to encourage lesbians with Investigator.
>Cleric uses a miracle to teleport the Bard and Investigator to everyone else.
>DM expresses disappointment in lack of orgy. And lack of exploration.
>We continue on, and come across bullrush trap.
>Fighter in front, doesn't get knocked down by trap.
>Commence argument over whether the trap would continue moving after hitting Fighter or not.
>Fighter says "fuck it", cleaves trap in two.
>DM is displeased. Wanted at least one of us to fail and get pushed down bottomless ledge.
>Continue on, enter large chamber.
>Another undead giant. This time a lich.
>Bitches us out for killing his cook.
>Implying undead have to eat, lol.
>Ask where we are.
>"You're in my house, where the hell else would you be?"
>Ask what he does. He has made a deal to supply the demons and devils with an undead army.
>Is the most powerful spellcaster in all of the planes.
>He isn't evil, so we ask how we can get him on our side.
>"Pay me. Give me an artifact, and I will stay on your side forever."
>We have plenty of artifacts we didn't need. DM forgot about that.
>DM displeased.
>Coffin nearby opens up. Out comes a grave-knight antipaladin.
>Starts bitching out lich for swapping sides.
>"Get rid of him, please. I never liked him."
>Battle commences. Fighter charges antipaladin.
>Full round action plus haste and abilities = about 6 attacks. That's all he needed.
>Gets a few hits in, DM screams "STOP!"
>Says Fighter's last few hits did nothing, and that Fighter can no longer get more than 4 hits in a round, ever.
>Would have outright killed antipaladin.
>Nearby walls open, revealing two undead clerics. They used shield-other on the antipaladin.
>All three were almost dead from the Fighter's one round.
>Maybe the DM should have used the lich like he intended to originally.
>Curbstomp again. DM makes terrible encounters.
>Turns out lich was level 12. Maybe he wouldn't have meant that much in combat.
>Antipaladin had artifact armour. Paladin takes it.
>Turns him into sexy woman. Armour morphs into chainmail bikini.
>Gender cannot be changed back, even with a wish or miracle.
>DM is a fetishistic bastard.
>Ask lich how to get out.
>"Same way you got in."
>Door behind us in the room we started in the entire time. We just never turned around.
>Exit door. We are on Mechanus, not Sigil.
>Go back in, ask lich how to get to Sigil from his house.
>"You can't get there from here."
>Fuck.
Here it all is. The entire campaign so far. Hopefully this is as far as it ever goes.
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Topic: Re: Dungeons & Dragons / PNP games thread: COBRA!!! (Read 937297 times)