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[Beardless]

So, my poorly-trained militia killed enough kobolds to scare them off before the goblins killed them all. The goblins then charged into my poorly-trapped entryway and suffered just enough casualties to be forced to retreat (hooray for cage traps), and as they fled the map they were promptly slaughtered by the skeletal camels that have terrorized my fort from day 1.

You have skeletal camels on your map, and you were worried about a couple of ambushes? That's like worrying about a catsplosion when there's a runaway magma pump on the top level of your fortress!

*shudder* Camels...

[monk12]

Hey, a kobold thief! I'll send my fledgeling military of a half-dozen dwarves after him, get some practice, y'know?

Oh. Kobold ambush. Two full squads of archers. Trapavoid archers.

The battle's going poorly, so I draft a few haulers and... wait, what? A goblin ambush? At the same time? Hey, the more the merrier, right?

"THE FORGOTTEN BEAST WHATSISNAME HAS ARRIVED. Also, please note the gap in the wall around your farms."

Um... okay, this might be getting a little out of ha-"Winter is upon you! AUTOSAVE!"

What.

Crouched near the campfire, the goblin drew a crude map in the muddy soil, then looked at his guest. « If we charge in, the traps here will butcher us. So, d’ya ‘bolds have any way to draw them out ?
- Traps ? Feh ! » scoffed the kobold shaman, his crest clicking as he shaked his head. « Traps are no trouble for kobold ! Ichilzikkys here enter any fortress, trap or not. He enters, he stabs a dwarf, he runs. Not run too fast, so even the steelskins can follow.
- And then you guys pincushion them from here, and... here. If they run, you follow them while firing in their backs, and you open the doors for us. If they charge, My swordgoblins will leap from cover to engage them and protect yah scaly hides.
- Steelskin warriors will not flee. They not know how to. They not right in head. But if they close doors while we ... pin-caution the warriors, what we do ? Steel armor and weapons is good, but the shiny stuff and the food are inside. And the stout ones can build more steelskins if we not kill them all. If we not kill them all, we never take back the land they stole. »
The goblin bandit leader grinned, and looked at a clay idol above the campfire. An eldritch horror from times past, that the goblins did worship since the Dawn. If you knew the right sacrifices, the right rituals, at the right time, even the gods could becom weapon of war. « I have already a... plan for this. The dwarves will regret that there are no more exits to their fortress. Just make sure that your ‘bolds are ready to strike during winter solstice night... So do we have an alliance with you lizards, or not ? »

That was amazing. I doff my hat to you, good sirs.

I struck GOLD, BABY! I'll have plenty of sarcophagi for the next ambush. And colden splints. And tables. Made by the legendary blacksmith who made an artifact platinum hatch cover worth over 100,000 dorfbucks. I also have acess to marble, a FLUX stone, but pig iron doesn't show up to be made! Until I figure out what's wrong, my militia will still be armed with iron.

One of the components of pig iron is Coal. Burn some wood or make some coke. Other than that, hell if i know

[TheJackal]

Hey, don't laugh, I'm running out of coffins because the damn dorfs won't pop 'em faster than they die! All they do fast is making engravings of goblins and humans killing dwarves.

Forget making burial items, you need to turn that gold into Warhammers STAT.

Mod the RAW, you will be glad.

[SalmonGod]

Had an epic event yesterday in Genesis mod.

A caravan showed up, followed immediately by two ambushes near my front gates.  I order everyone inside.  Only two dwarves get caught in a storm of arrows, and one actually gets away.  Not bad.  Meanwhile, the caravan sprints inside from around the opposite corner, except two dusk elf guards - one crossbow and one hammerelf.  They stop just a few steps away from the front gate.

The hammerelf stands close as the crossbow starts firing at the approaching imps, mistresses, and trollkins, landing a few good disabling blows.  The hammerelf then charges forward and begins pounding the crap out of the more disabled foes.  He very quickly lands many well-calculated blows, shattering arms, legs, and spines.  The enemy seems so surprised that they hesitate.  After 5 or 6 of their number have been completely disabled, the other 15 or so just take a step back and watch as their crippled comrades get their heads smashed in.  When this spectacle is about finished, they all start running.  The crossbowman heads back inside, while the hammerelf gives chase and takes down two more who just weren't fast enough.  I never even bothered to activate my military.

Just as this finishes, another caravan arrives, quickly followed by a siege of lizardmen.  Both enter the map from the same area, and the caravan gets cut down by arrows near-instantly, with only a couple merchants escaping.  The dusk elf hammerer then charges north through an ungodly barrage of arrows, dodging, blocking, or armor-soaking every single one, and crashes into the enemy with such alarming force that the siege is broken within minutes. 

That elf killed at least a dozen, single-handedly drove back two ambushes and a siege, and received not a scratch.  He soon comes swaggering into the fortress like he owns the place.  His friends see him coated in demon and reptile blood, looking quite satisfied... and decide to leave.  They hadn't even finished unloading their goods, and just walk out.  I can only watch in awe and sadness as they go.

[Herbiie]

He soon comes swaggering into the fortress like he owns the place.

Typical Elf.

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

He's Cacame's brother/sister.

[dogstile]

He soon comes swaggering into the fortress like he owns the place.

Typical Elf.

I love how that entire story gets /that/ response. I thought the same thing

[Greiger]

Going against my usual policy of no quantum stockpiles for a single case. 

90% of my fortress has chert lying around on the floor.  I don't like it's color so I can't use it for construction, and there is way too much of it and the workshops are already too cluttered to count on my masons to remove it all.

So I made a garbage dump on the surface and I'm ordering all 2000 stones dumped there.  I had all the walls and floors smoothed ages ago, it's about time I actually get to see them.  It would probably just be more efficient to dump it all down the expressway to the magma sea chute that runs parallel to the main staircase, but the waste of fortress produced resources doesn't sit well with me.  Even if all it is is ugly wood colored stone.

Who knows, maybe one day I'll find a use for it...  If anything it would be good throwing ammo for an adventurer.

[Zidane]

my Brewer/Expedition Leader is known as the Brewmaster.

Is your dining hall called Nancy's?

[Internet Kraken]

Well Townbrush has been taken over by the two lowest forms of life known to Dwarf; kobolds and elves.

An elven caravan arrived, and apparently thought there was nothing odd about the abandoned fort stained with blood and covered in corpses. They just marched in through the hole the migrants made in the wall, and sat down in the depo, waiting for someone to emerge from the ruins and make a trade deal with them. The kobolds apparently saw this as the perfect time to launch several simultaneous ambushes, accompanied by a legion of master thieves. The kobolds marched in, stabbed the Elves, and now basically own Old Townbrush. There's no one there to oppose them, so they've turned it into their own personal clubhouse. The master thieves then made off with several valuable artificats, given that there's no way to stop them.

Frustratingly, the disease that causes spontaneous dwarven combustion does not appear to affect the kobolds. So the furry little bastards didn't pay for their greed by collapsing into bloody lumps of gore, as I had hoped. So I can't do anything but watch them party inside Townbrush, steal my artifacts, and chase the few Elves that haven't been stabbed yet.

[Uzu Bash]

Who knows, maybe one day I'll find a use for it...  If anything it would be good throwing ammo for an adventurer.

Knapping, at best, still sucks. It does increase analytics, which applies to absolutely nothing in the game, but at least you can know in your heart that your adventurer isn't a complete moron.

I've minted geniune 1089 Lor Zalis coins in all denominations. An economy failed to ensue, but I'm not disappointed about that -- it's just cool having coinage.

[SalmonGod]

He soon comes swaggering into the fortress like he owns the place.

Typical Elf.

I love how that entire story gets /that/ response. I thought the same thing

It's funny that that's how I imagined it, too

Although, not because he's an elf as much as that's how I would probably be acting after such an event.

[Sphalerite]

Today at the oceanside fort of Buckpaint I finally switched on the ocean-sieve device, with gates opening and allowing the very ocean to pour through solid walls of cage traps before draining into the underworld.  The hit on my FPS was about as you'd expect.

I've never seen the ocean develop and hold a stable slope before.  Fluid flow in DF is an interesting thing.  My baron proved that the RNG has a sense of humor when he chose this moment to mandate the construction of toy boats.

Resulting catch from the first test was four milkfish, now waiting in cages till I decide what to do with them.  Nowhere near as awesome as the sea serpent I'm aiming to catch, but proof of the workability of the plan anyway.

Meanwhile, the tame Tigermen are happily drinking out of the pump-fed wooden pool suspended over the ocean, so it looks like pumps do under at least some circumstances still desalinate water.

[Yoink]

Hey, a kobold thief! I'll send my fledgeling military of a half-dozen dwarves after him, get some practice, y'know?

Oh. Kobold ambush. Two full squads of archers. Trapavoid archers.

The battle's going poorly, so I draft a few haulers and... wait, what? A goblin ambush? At the same time? Hey, the more the merrier, right?

"THE FORGOTTEN BEAST WHATSISNAME HAS ARRIVED. Also, please note the gap in the wall around your farms."

Um... okay, this might be getting a little out of ha-"Winter is upon you! AUTOSAVE!"

What.

Crouched near the campfire, the goblin drew a crude map in the muddy soil, then looked at his guest. « If we charge in, the traps here will butcher us. So, d’ya ‘bolds have any way to draw them out ?
- Traps ? Feh ! » scoffed the kobold shaman, his crest clicking as he shaked his head. « Traps are no trouble for kobold ! Ichilzikkys here enter any fortress, trap or not. He enters, he stabs a dwarf, he runs. Not run too fast, so even the steelskins can follow.
- And then you guys pincushion them from here, and... here. If they run, you follow them while firing in their backs, and you open the doors for us. If they charge, My swordgoblins will leap from cover to engage them and protect yah scaly hides.
- Steelskin warriors will not flee. They not know how to. They not right in head. But if they close doors while we ... pin-caution the warriors, what we do ? Steel armor and weapons is good, but the shiny stuff and the food are inside. And the stout ones can build more steelskins if we not kill them all. If we not kill them all, we never take back the land they stole. »
The goblin bandit leader grinned, and looked at a clay idol above the campfire. An eldritch horror from times past, that the goblins did worship since the Dawn. If you knew the right sacrifices, the right rituals, at the right time, even the gods could becom weapon of war. « I have already a... plan for this. The dwarves will regret that there are no more exits to their fortress. Just make sure that your ‘bolds are ready to strike during winter solstice night... So do we have an alliance with you lizards, or not ? »

Pure. Awesome.
Really, that's just great! Good job. The original post was hilarious on it's own, but that's just... Awesome.

[Eric Blank]

If only such planning were more than mere coincidence.

Multiplayer... so far away