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[3man75]

So sorry about the foul language but I really need to know the answer to this.

I've asked this girl out in my college and she said she wasn't ready. Later on, I found out that she was liking another guy and I decided to stop trying/ignore her.

Her friends confronted me about it and they got me to talk to her. She basically said I had no reason to do that and she got angry. I said I was sorry and even offered to be a gentleman (ya i'm soft, Still can't fix that about me...). She refused and I just walked away. When I told my friends about it he said That i was basically her B*** now because I just went with what she said. He foretells that now people will now perceive me of being soft/weak and will make it that much more difficult to date a girl.

My question: How true is that and if true can it be fixed?

[nenjin]

There's lot of different kinds of women out there, who want different things.

If someone takes the time to spread the rumor, yeah, maybe some women will care? Others will probably not put as much stock into what they hear vs. actually talking to you.

Anyways, the easiest way to control your rep is be firm about it. If your friends are giving you shit, you say "I don't give a fuck what other people think of me, I know what I think of me."

[Orange Wizard]

What nenjin said.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being soft, generally speaking.

[Vector]

So... let me get this straight.

You asked someone out. She said some variety of "no." You kept pursuing, then found out that she liked someone else and broke off the chase.

She is now angry that you broke off.

You apologized and offered to be a gentleman (what does this mean? And why does it matter?).

She says no.

You listen to her.

Now your male friends are saying you're weak because you listened to what she said, and you're wondering if they're right.

My dear friend, no means no and as someone with intimate knowledge of how girly social circles work it's better to be seen as that girl's bitch than as a potential rapist. The former information might get you laughed at in her little friend group, but the latter information travels widely through gossip channels and gets people blacklisted.

Being a gentleman is not something you do "in order to be nice," as though it's a reward for good behavior. A gentleman just Is. The fact that you ignored her "no" in the first place was wrong of you. It sounds like you could use an update to your communication skills and could work on boundary-setting, because you indeed shouldn't let that girl twist you around her finger after you already decided you weren't interested (she needs to learn to listen to your "no"). Some listening skills might also be in order, since the story as you've related it doesn't make a lot of sense to me (what is going on with that girl's emotional reactions?).

It sounds like you managed to do the sensible thing at the end. You may tell your friend to go fuck himself or instigate a round of fisticuffs, though I'd just ignore him. Listening to women doesn't make you unmanly. And even if you were, in general, on the more passive and nurturing side, there's plenty of people (including female people) who prefer that.

[Orange Wizard]

potential rapist

That escalated quickly.

[3man75]

potential rapist

That escalated quickly.

I know right?

In general I think he's right. She was calm about it although she said she was angry. I should have just said okay "I just don't like you anymore" and left. Being a gentleman after that might make me a loser in reality. Right now I wish I could turn back the clock. Oh well, at least I have college h.w to contend with to keep me busy. 

[Vector]

I should have just said okay "I just don't like you anymore" and left. Being a gentleman after that might make me a loser in reality.

but what does this meeeeeean

potential rapist

That escalated quickly.

Oh boy.

Let me make something clear: Women spread around information widely about who won't take no for an answer, or who tells misogynistic jokes, or who is generally disrespectful, and warn other women to stay away from those people--including people who are very distantly associated from their own group. Friends of friends of friends. Being someone's bitch, on the other hand, does not tend to go as far. That's just the way it is. No one says the word "rapist" out loud, but it's the undertone--they're watching out for rapists. I'm not condoning or condemning that habit, but if you want to know what the General Female Opinion of you is going to be, it's as I said.

[3man75]

Because women don't like soft guys. Soft guys=losers

[Neonivek]

Topic Creator I think what your friends mean is you were being far too kind to someone who was just essentially trying to control you.

Which is valid but ultimately? Just ignore it.

It isn't like she continued to string you along, it is over.

She was likely just mad because she still likes you and finds your current ignoring of her to be a harsh rejection which is hard to take.

---

Also Vector I don't QUITE think that is what they were getting at.

It is more that he had every right to be pissed at her for pulling the crud she pulled and he still sucked it up and did everything she said...

Instead of saying "Sod off"

I REALLY REALLY DO NOT THINK THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT FORCING HIMSELF ON HER!

[Orange Wizard]

So many ninjas.

...

Wait, hang on. Listening to someone when they say they're not interested in a relationship doesn't make you a loser, in any context. Except possibly a very specific game where you were required to pester someone endlessly in order to win, but that would have very different connotations.

I assume, "gentlemanly" means polite. As in, a gentleman. Which is a good thing, by the way.

Let me make something clear: Women spread around information widely about who won't take no for an answer, or who tells misogynistic jokes, or who is generally disrespectful, and warn other women to stay away from those people--including people who are very distantly associated from their own group. Friends of friends of friends. Being someone's bitch, on the other hand, does not tend to go as far. That's just the way it is. No one says the word "rapist" out loud, but it's the undertone--they're watching out for rapists. I'm not condoning or condemning that habit, but if you want to know what the General Female Opinion of you is going to be, it's as I said.

That seems overly paranoid, but whatever.

Because women don't like soft guys. Soft guys=losers

That's an incredibly narrow view of the topic.

[Vector]

I REALLY REALLY DO NOT THINK THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT FORCING HIMSELF ON HER!

Okay, just to be 100% clear: I know he wasn't, and that's not what I was saying either. Sorry for the confusion. When I say I don't know what "acting like a gentleman means," I just mean... I actually don't know what it means in that context. I didn't think it meant "being a gentleman instead of forcing himself on someone."

Because women don't like soft guys. Soft guys=losers

This is very much untrue. I'm sure that some women will tell you that, but I personally know many women who would tell you exactly the opposite.

[nenjin]

Age check? This sounds like highschool, and if it is, very few adult answers are going to satisfy you. Either because you don't believe them or they don't seem to jive with the environment you're in. People in highschool can be petty, judgmental and clique-ish. The rest of the world is that way too, highschool just focuses it in and sticks it in a tiny box called school and forced socialization.

Because the whole "women don't like soft guys, they like tough guys" sounds like highschool and you'll quickly find in the real world that it isn't anywhere near so cut and dry. If you just want to play someone else's game of what it means to be tough, soft, whatever, feel free. Or you can define it for yourself.

As I said in my first post, there are different women who like different things in men. Try being an individual instead of caving to typical highschool dude pressure, which is driven more by hormones than wisdom or experience.

[~Neri]

Because women don't like soft guys. Soft guys=losers

Hahahahahahahahahano.

Reality check Now.

Fix that assumption.

[Neonivek]

Well the whole "Girls don't like niceguys" is mostly a false negative because well... simple.

"Nice guys" don't ask women out a lot, because they are nice, and likes to let women get to know him on their own terms.

While "Aggressive guys" ask a lot of women out a lot and attempt to get closer to them.

Who do YOU think gets more dates?

Thus it created this stereotype.

While it is true that there is such a thing as being "Too nice"... that isn't what people refer to.

[4maskwolf]

Yeah, just ignore them.  I'm soft, I don't push other people.  So?  I've dated two people and gone to a dance with two others, all of whom had a crush on me.  And I'm in high school, so I'm younger than you.  And I wasn't the one who made "the move" in three of those situations.

Moral of the story?

You're looking at the wrong group of girls if that would actually be true.  Many of the girls I know enjoy talking to me because I'm not pushy, and even if I have a crush on them I'm going to be their friend first and foremost, and because I'm "soft" I'm seen by people who know me as a nice guy.  So, yeah.  You're just looking in the wrong places.