PART 2: Lancerose
Throughout history, the Severe Dikes have forged a reputation for housing some of the best craftsdwarfship on the Planet of Dragons. We are both admired and envied amongst the civilizations for our great works of art – whether it be a simple silver goblet or the intricate lace patterns engraved on the Grand MountainGates. Dwarves from the Severe Dikes are accepted readily by almost all fortresses in these lands, so great are their skills and proficiencies.
Unfortunately, I mused, most of them couldn’t even wield a kitchen knife to save their delicate asses.
----
I am Ducim Labourjudged. Military commander of the whole of Severe Dikes. In these dangerous times of war, I commandeer a military of 8 dwarves.
Eight. I’ve seen goddamn hamlets with more soldiers. Queen Edem Workglazes has been brilliant at her politicking ways so we aren’t at war (yet); but mark my words as a soldier, peace only lasts for so long. Now her great highness has expressively granted me permission (“Well then why don’t
you go do something about it?”) to finally start building up our pitiful-excuse-for-a-goddamn-military.
Y’see, the problem is that half our population spends their time engraving circles on walls and the other half are a buncha’ farmers living in some godforsaken hamlet near the polar icecaps. What we need is a facility to turn the latter half into lean, mean murder machines and for the other half to start drawing mutilated elf corpses instead.
I’ve just finalized the budget for this expedition with the outpost liaison today. Apparently the previous expedition was to go conquer an island located in the middle of fucking nowhere. What are we conquering there, albatrosses?
I hope everyone likes dung. I know for sure I dont.
20th Limestone
Can’t remember the last time I bloody well travelled so far by wagon. Backaches, headaches, soreaches, you name it. Whoever was the idiot who decided to pair a one-humped camel with a yak cow, I have no idea. Cursing beneath my breath, I bark at the minions to get those magma forges sorted out asap.
Aaaaaannnndd somebody forgot to bring the fucking magma-safe stone.
2nd SandstoneDeconstruct wagon --> Build smelter (tetrahedrite) --> Build wood furnace --> Build metalsmiths forge --> Burn one piece of charcoal --> Smelt one ore of tetrahedrite --> Forge one copper axe --> Chop down trees for more wood --> Burn more wood into more charcoal --> Forge copper picks --> Dig for magma-safe stone (basalt) --> Use basalt to create magma forges
Guess how long that took. Actually, don’t. I dont want to know how many days of my life I spent waiting on a piece of rock.
5th SandstoneThe hiiiillllls are aliiiive with the sound of galeeenaaaAAAAaa, sings Olon Mightyhandles, professional metalsmith and dabbling baritone.
17th SandstoneMoved all our supplies to the foot of the mountain, where we will base our camp. Tell me, why did we park our wagon by the cliffside again?
10th TimberOne more day sleeping on the floor and I’m going to snap, I tell ye.
11th TimberWell there we go! Bedrooms are up, tight and basic 1x2’s – just the way I like ‘em. Although there’s currently a squabble on who gets the galena and zircon-encrusted rooms. Bloody capitalists.
Our canteen is now operational too, as long as you dont mind the massive hole in the wall.
27th TimberThe following details our livestock handling procedure: goats in one pasture, dogs in the love kennel, everything else in the other pasture.
I have great respect for goats. They have
magnificent beards.
5th MoonstoneI want me some weapons, I told Olon.
Yoooouuuu want a swoooord,
whose beauuuuutyy will bringg
viiiiisiting armiees to their kneeees,
Query?
No, I just want a sharp stick to stab the local wildlife with. Couple of axes too, I need some decapitation in my life.
An AXE!
Adoooorrned with the glyphs of the miiiiighty Saankiiiis?
Not annex man, I want several axes. And the only thing they should be adorned with is a particularly sharp blade.
Well then,
I might have to think about it
Do you have another request?
Nope, I think that’s just about as much as you’re capable of handling for now.
Ohhhh my heart weeeps at your comment,
Waaaaass that an insult I just heaar?
Blimey, I think I’ve found something that these guys are actually good at: building walls.
So...
LETS BUILD MORE WALLS!
ELVES! Sound the alarms! Raise the masts! Release the krak- oh, they’ve come to trade.
Meh.
Are you sure this isnt a raid? It’d be alot less embarrassing.
They get our weapons, we get their pets and sweatshop clothing. You know, I’m not a broker but this sounds like some sort of illegal deal. I’m not a broker too, says our broker.
Oh the fluffy wambler....? The elves assure me that they are absolutely lethal in battle. Huh.
13th SlateOh wow, that courtyard finished fast. Crap, now we’ve run out of walls to build. Can’t... stand... idle... workers.... “Hey you! Go dig yourself a pit at the front gates, STAT!”
27th FelsiteAnd thus, a pit was dug. Now I have to figure out what am I going to do with it.
27th and a half Felsite“A magma trench!” I declared triumphantly at dinnertime to the other six.
“A.... magma trench?” answered Tulon carefully.
“OF COURSE!”
“But... why would we need a magma trench? I had thought this fortress was to be a pillar exemplar of dwarven military might!”
I laughed, and clasped my hands around Tulon’s shoulder with a sly wink. “My dear Tulon, when you get to my age-“
“I’m two years older than you, sir.”
“-fine, when you reach my level of expertise then. You soon realise that
everybody needs a magma trench”
2nd Hematite
SOUND THE
KRAKEN BROKER, THE HUMANS ARE HERE.
I hesitated, and then added,
TO TRADE.
13th HematiteThe humans have been waiting at the depot for more than a week now as I order the dwarves to bring down all our forged weapons from the volcano.
By all means necessary. A term which automatically implies minecarts. On hindsight, this does seem rather dangerous.
Bah, what’s the worse that could happen. (Spoiler- nobody dies)
14th HematiteAlright, lets trade - your cart for my cart.
18th HematiteHaha nah just joking. Now lets trade.
11th MalachiteWell, as much as I hate to say it, we might be doing alright afterall. We’ve got the facilities ready for our first batch of students, who I await with... eagerness. Here’s a birds-eye-view of the facility:
Well arent we just the picture of ecological devastation.
Oh ye, somewhere along the way the magma trench became a water trench, then back to a magma trench, that soon became an obsidian casting chamber. All in one.
FIN! SAVEBtw where is everyone
Anyone wants a turn?
Poll
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Topic: The Planet of Dragons (Which really don't exist) - Handmade strangefort (Read 17892 times)