*Please no quoting*I realized something very important to understanding and beating my depression today.
I was reluctant to think badly of others, major or minor flaws. I told the world 2+2=4. The world bitched that it should equal 5; it was my fault 2+2 didn't equal 5. The world needed 5, not 4, and raged at anyone it could for this. I took the personal attacks personally and got sad, depressed. It was never my fault 2+2=4 and not 5. The fact that the world needed that extra 1, was something it tried to pin on me. This blame, and not understanding it, has been my downfall.
Recently, I reviewed something. A lawyer I tried to work for unspokenly wanted me to bill 2600 hours a year (50*52) in an area of law I expressly stated I had no training in and that they promised to train me in. No training was provided; they demanded I bill 50 hours a week my first week while nitpicking every word I wrote and every second I spent. At a new associate billing rate of $200/hour, they wanted to collect ($520,000) gross billing off me a year.
Did I mention I was told the exact opposite of this and was never informed of this expectation until it inevitably didn't happen? No wonder they can't find anybody to do that job. Naturally they blamed me and had planned to from the start. In fact, they were looking for a scapegoat to pin all their misdeeds on and thought it would be me. No. It wasn't my fault; I literally never had a chance and didn't want to ascribe those motives to anyone.... The idea that I could bill $10,000 a week is patently INSANE, and it should've never been expected of me under any circumstances, because frankly, I imagine 90+% of people will NEVER bring in that much money to a personal services firm.... Not to mention I wasn't to be paid anywhere near that amount or even a(n) (un)reasonable fraction.... If I could pull billing even half that amount a week, I would and I wouldn't bother working for somebody else doing it....
Same goes for everything in the "results" driven culture we now have. People don't want to hear 2+2=4. They not only want it to equal 5, they want it to equal 10... and complain when it invariably does not. I used to internalize this blame, and there are a lot of people out there who abuse this and still try it on me. It's complex human interaction stuff that seems so obvious when you spell it out. The problem is, nobody spells it out.
It's a lot like negging somebody. It's a form of abuse I wasn't aware of... and fell for.
We like to think that we're all individuals (just like our friends!), but there's a reason these common mental manipulation trends are widely used: they work. Salesmen have been doing this for ages, and making a lot of money off it. Providing valuable things as payment (monetary, mental, emotional, etc) is expensive and requires currency, attention, effort, and/or empathy. These are things people don't want to give in general.
The reason all those people were essentially screaming at and threatening me was because they REALLY needed 2+2 to equal 5, but it doesn't.... No matter what they do or say, or threaten or physically assault and batter, 2+2=4. All they can do is complain about it. They're powerless in the face of the universe of objective reality following the laws of physics, and so am I. The only difference is, I know it, and they deny it. That denial, is the con man's best friend, because he or she knows people are looking to hear what they want to hear, not what is true. That con man will hook people with things that aren't true but that they really want to be true. The con man is, in one way or another, about convincing people something is true when it isn't, like 2+2=5.... The difference is that "1" between 4 and 5 that the person really wants to get somehow and it can be a big thing or a little thing, but it's not happening anyhow no matter how much crying or complaining, or blaming happens.
That "1" difference could be anything and was a lot of things in the case of whining bad people in my cases: getting off Scott Free with a crime, not paying taxes, getting more out of a settlement, winning a lawsuit that can't be won (they're liable), etc. Nevermind that the guy did it, owes the taxes, can't get anything else out of the settlement, and will NEVER win that lawsuit, they think it's all my fault. Why? Denial. They can't face that they did it or that sometimes it just can't be fixed no matter how much you need it to be. Frankly, "results" is tragic in terms of thinking, especially with professionals. Lawyers, doctors, whoever.... Do you have any idea how many people die in hospitals? A lot. They have a special room for it called the morgue, and everybody who didn't arrive dead, had a doctor or a nurse or an EMT trying desperately to save their lives.... Not the doctor's fault they died and we should congratulate the doctor for giving it their all....
Question being how to deal with it. Will consider....
Perhaps prevention and armor against the blame is helpful. Maybe it's trying to adjust the expectations of others to be more reasonable when possible. Maybe better ways to deal with the person running around saying everything is your fault (certainly not theirs *whistle*), because they have to blame somebody.
It seems people rarely fight over what to do, because oftentimes we don't know or there is no solution. Rather, we fight over who to blame.... Doesn't solve jack.
Speaking of Jack, I probably used to drink too much to cope with terrible life circumstances. To some degree or another, everybody is hoping for that "1" that doesn't exist in the 2+2=4 and NOT 5 reality of life. I needed emotional acceptance from a lot of people I should've gotten in from but didn't. I needed to feel appreciated for the immense amount of work I put into things and I was not.... Parents, boyfriends, friends, bosses, customers, etc, it just felt overwhelming I was the world's scapegoat, because as it turned out, I kinda was.... I needed that approval so much that I started being VERY polite and nice to people. I didn't realize this is somehow viewed as a sign of weakness by people.... Things did not go well as a result of my being polite, and now I'm not so much.... Drinking. I don't do it anymore very much. I'm down to once or twice a month, and I'm gradually cutting it back further until I either eliminate it altogether or effectively do so.
This is why lots of people get in lots of trouble, there's that void between what's possible and what we expect and all human experience can be boiled down to how the hell we're supposed to deal with not having what we expect/want/need. Religion, Buddhism is about reducing your expectations of having that gap filled (worldly desires). Abrahamic Religions are largely about the idea that you'll have that gap filled later, after you die (heaven), etc. Drug and alcohol abuse is about the idea that a foreign substance can fill that gap by making you happy, and we forget about the addictive side effects of drugs and alcohol. Overeating and emotional eating are about filling that gap with food and things that taste good, but the price later is weight gain and poor health from junk food.... Same idea with abusive romantic partners (he'll eventually love me and stop hitting me), etc.
I think a big part of it, is realizing this fact, using it for good and avoiding the bad parts of it.
I've been wondering what the hell has been going on for some time now. Good to know. It really isn't my fault. The person screaming at me has problems and it's inappropriate of them to be yelling at me, but they're gonna, cause that's how people are.... I have to try not to let it effect my sense of self worth, because it's not my fault that 2+2=4....
*Again, please no quoting*
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Topic: Things that made you feel better today. (Read 24521 times)