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[webadict]

Granted. It is full of spiders.

I wish I could breathe underwater.

[Tradanbattlan]

Granted. You can only breathe underwater now.

I wish for another glass of milk with spiders.

[100killer9]

Granted. They're black widows and kill you.
I wish I could solve a rubik's cube in 5 seconds.

[webadict]

Granted. They're black widows and kill you.
I wish I could solve a rubik's cube in 5 seconds.

Granted. It takes your entire life to perfect.

I wish I could break bottles easily by slamming them against countertops.

[Cheddarius]

You do. The resulting shrapnel leaves you disfigured and in constant pain for life.

I wish my GPU didn't suck.

[Rashilul]

Granted, instead it blows.

I wish I had gotten up earlier.

[dragnar]

Granted, you never went to sleep last night. You collapse from exhaustion.

I wish Rashilul hadn't made such a horrible pun.

[Cheddarius]

Granted; he didn't. It was awesome. Props to Rashilul.

I wish more MSPA Forum Adventures were finished.

[Huesoo]

Granted nobody knows what youre talking about.

I wish I had a life long Wow account

[612DwarfAvenue]

Granted, it only runs out when you die. Unfortunatly, the price of the subscription went up $5000000 a month.

I wish i didn't accidently the entire thing.

[inteuniso]

You don't.

But you purposefully the entire thing, and end up with a winning lottery ticket. You are murdered the next day.

I wish they would come out with more great games on the same par as Dwarf Fortress.

[Cheddarius]

Granted. "They" are golfers who have decided to play with CDs of games instead of golf balls. Dwarf Fortress is rated as a par 4 for a certain hole. One fine day, the golfers get falling-down drunk and program a horrifyingly bad and buggy remake of Asteroids. Once you open the game, it crashes, infects your computer with a virus that makes your computer a zombie server, sending thousands of emails containing nuclear launch codes to every e-mail it knows. DEFCON 2 is declared and martial law is in effect. Your house is bombed to try and prevent global thermonuclear war if you send the codes to anyone who might know what they are and use them. However, /b/ has already gotten their hands on the launch codes, and they are quickly sent around the entire world. Attackers orchestrate security breaches and nuke hundreds of high-population cities around the world. Nuclear-capable countries quickly fight back. The world is now a barren, lifeless, radioactive desert. Your seared body, lying in the wreckage of your house, is never recovered nor remembered in the chaos that followed the Great War.

I wish... huh.
I wish I knew exactly what I should do.

[Akigagak]

Granted, you piss off.

I wish this forum stopped being so retarded.

[Cheddarius]

Granted. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "so" as to an indicated or suggested extent or degree - that is, right now the forum is some amount retarded, and you wish for the forum to not be this amount retarded. Instead, they are far, far, far more retarded. Any given forum dweller can barely type a word without falling into a coma from strain. Together, they can manage to type a coherent sentence. However, they've lost so much brain mass that all they can remember is "Do a barrel roll!" Also, they have caps lock on and can't figure out how to turn it off. Additionally, having become too retarded to have jobs or any such things, they spend their lives spamming the entire forum with "DO A BARREL ROLL!!!!!!"
Also, Toady is a member of the forum. He becomes too retarded to program any more.

I wish I had some strawberry-flavored milk.

[Keita]

Granted, but it's toxic and you develope an irrational fesr to milk and Dwarf Fortress

I wish I didn't need to go downstairs to get me some more tea.