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[King Zultan]

Granted, every banknote and coin on Earth appears above you and your friends, a few seconds later your all crushed under the weight of all that money.

I wish for a harmless sponge.

[Mathel]

Granted. The sponge is huge and appears before you. It soon withers from lack of water.

I wish for 777 zebras to parade down Venceslav square while I am nowhere near Prague.

[Mercur]

Granted, but everytime you touch a zebra, you explode

I wish that I don’t have to worry about pain

[hops]

Granted.

I wish life in the universe wasn't so rare.

[Mathel]

Granted. It is now abundant and very hostile.

I wish for all Sams to acquire SAMs.

[King Zultan]

Granted everyone named Sam has been given a Sam's Club card.

I wish for everyone to be given one onion.

[Magmacube_tr]

Granted, but the onions are so bitter and tear-inducing that everyone cries.

I wish for DEATH.

[Screech9791]

Granted, but the onions are so bitter and tear-inducing that everyone cries.

I wish for DEATH.

Granted, you now have the letters DEATH in your hands, in bold.

I wish I had a higher post count.

[Mathel]

Granted. Someone drove 100 iron fenceposts into the floor of your bedroom.

I wish for 715 loaves of fresh bread.

[King Zultan]

Granted, but they were all freshly baked last year.

I wish for six tons of lead.

[NRDL]

You get them. You know where they all are, but they're scattered across the world. Rather difficult to get them with the current climate.

I wish I was a golden retriever in the next life, so I could cheer people up even if there's nothing I can say when they're sad.

[Yellow Pixel]

Granted. You are now a golden retriever. Huh... Did you say in your next life? Oops! Sorry!

I wish to master all existing languages.

[Mathel]

Granted. You master all languages. But that also means you know many alien concepts, which you can't communicate to your friends, as there are no words for them in languages they understand. Many of the languages don't even have words to begin with. This alienates you to all humans.

I wish for 748 cookies.

[King Zultan]

Granted, and they all come in exciting new flavors such as arsenic and cyanide.

I wish for three regular potatoes.

[A_Curious_Cat]

Granted.  You get three regular potatoes shoved down your windpipe.

I wish for a hero sandwich.