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[NJW2000]

Granted. You now know about the dumpster Fetishists.

I wish I knew if people were into robot tentacles before I spoke to them.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. As an extra bonus, I share my know-everything powers with you. You didn't need to know that about that dog over there.

I wish for more useful superpowers.

[heydude6]

Granted, you become OFFICEMAN!!! able to finish paperwork at the speed of sound. You still hate doing it though, but your incredible efficiency and horrible contract forces you to.

I wish I had my dream job

[Tawa]

Granted. The night prior, you have a dream about becoming a serial killer. You become a serial killer the next day.
Jack McCoy is the prosecutor for the case a week later.

I wish I could make incredibly obscure references.

[heydude6]

granted, you do. Everyone mistakes them for CoD references though.

I wish Halo 5 turns out to be the best Halo game ever created.

[Twinwolf]

granted, you do. Everyone mistakes them for CoD references though.

I wish Halo 5 turns out to be the best Halo game ever created.

Granted. It's slightly better than the best of them, and makes so much money that no more games in the universe are made.

I wish that I could speak every language.

[heydude6]

Granted, you learn the true tongue of Cthulu and become insane.

I wish I had a copy of one of H.P. Lovecraft's novels

[Tawa]

Granted. A millionaire makes a generous donation to you of paper, toner, and a high-quality printer. You take it upon yourself to create your own copies of all his short stories to read at your own leisure.

Shortly after you print them and before you can finish the first story, your house catches fire. Most of it is unharmed, but you lose your entire collection of Lovecraft stories. No matter, you think, you have enough paper and toner left to reprint them.

Shortly afterward, his stories are taken off the public domain for unclear reasons. You are forced to shell out actual money for them.
I wish for a calculator.

[Arcvasti]

Granted. It works perfectly. TOO perfectly One day, you divide by zero and the universe experiences a math error and vanishes in a puff of logic.

I wish two plus two equalled five.

[Tawa]

Granted. Bay12 has always been at war with Eastasia. Bay12 has never been at war with Eurasia. You should know this already, Picard.

I wish for dice.

[BlitzDungeoneer]

Granted. They're made from your bones.

I wish for Sanic.

[Tawa]

Grunted, bat yoe mast reploce wan vuwel on eech werd yoo wrute ur sai.

I wish for logic.

[Generally me]

Granted. You kill everyone you love as they are illogical and pointless emotional baggage that disrupts your logic. Also you are now in an insane asylum.

I wish I had a magical space horse who loved me.

[FArgHalfnr]

Granted. It's the special kind of love however.

I wish I could summon flying, air breathing octopuses at will.

[NJW2000]

You can. They drown mating with the underwater octopi in a tragic and symbolic act.

I wish I liked blue cheeses more.