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[hops]

Granted. You get the Cursed Gloves of Running Urgently, and is fragged by an asshole TF2 Sniper.

I wish my chest stop hurting when I feel lonely.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. You no longer feel lonely. Sometimes it hurts when you've been eating too many tacos, though.

I wish I could flawlessly pass 100% of my classes and get my damn degree already so I can get a job.

[heydude6]

Granted, you figure out how to hack the schools grade database and you get 100% on all of your courses. You get caught and arrested. Look on the brightside though, at least you get a nice job at a prison workshop.

I wish I was superman

[hops]

Granted. Your power will manifest when you're around yellow supergiant stars. Unfortunately, you're on Earth.

I wish to be the cutest Evil Overlord.

[Tawa]

Granted. You become a kawaii Ashnard. Have fun.

I wish for OBJECTIONS.

[hops]

Granted. Phoenix Wright keeps showing up to yell "OBJECTION!" at you every time you lie.

I wish for a lifetime supply of tasty ice creams.

[Quartz_Mace]

Granted. You are now bound to a table and forced to watch a group of obese people devour it until it runs out.

I wish for pestilence for my enemies.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. Your enemies value personal combat highly, however, so soon you are also infected.

I wish I had friends.

[hops]

Granted. You get friends. Unfortunately, they're people.

I wish I can shoot beams of pure pessimism from my eyes.

[Adragis]

Granted, but doing so drains you of all negativity, leaving you a smiling fool.

I wish I was not so addicted to the eldritch plaything that is Dwarf Fortress.

[UnicodingUnicorn]

Granted, but now you can no longer play the eldritch plaything that is Dwarf Fortress

I wish that I could eldritch would not show up as an error in the spellchecker.

[heydude6]

granted, the spell checker is disabled, now you make common mistakes such as spelling definitely as definatly.

I wish facebook, twitter, myspace, instagram, snapchat, tumblr and google+ didn't exist

[UnicodingUnicorn]

Granted, now the bored youth of today turn their attentions to something else more violent.

I wish I had a portal gun.

[Arcvasti]

Granted. You make the fatal mistake of touching the operational end of the device.

I wish for sequels to all the series I'm waiting on to come out already.

[UnicodingUnicorn]

Granted. They turn out to be absolutely horrible and ruin your memory of the series.

I wish for plush orcas.