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[Tawa]

Granted. You don't speak it and must demonstrate basic proficiency within one year or die.

Oh, and it's lojban.

I wish that the second Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire comes out in the US, a copy would appear on my desk spontaneously and free of charge.

[Argonnek]

Granted. An illegal copy appears on your desk, and copyright lawyers will now hunt you to the ends of the earth.

I wish I instantly knew the context of a given piece of information the moment I received it.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, but you receive information you dearly wish you did not know.

I wish for no more context ever.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. Everyone is very confused about everything and wander around screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" while the world burns down around them.

I wish my dog would settle down and stop licking me.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, your dog goes into hypersleep for 10,000 years.

I wish to be more responsible in the use of my time.

[Tawa]

Granted. It is already too late. The dog's cyanide saliva will kill you momentarily.

Granted. You are now 100% responsible for wasting all day on Bay12.

I wish for a DUEL of the AGES between Abraham Lincoln and Inigo Montoya.

[RAM]

Abraham, having been around longer, possesses the greater age and therefore wins. The two never even meet.

I wish that there was no alternative to being literal.

[Gentlefish]

Granted. Words literally go into one of your ears and out the other, slaying you slowly and painfully.

I wish I could breathe water.

[hops]

Granted. You breath in a lungful of water and asphyxiate because you can't respire with water.

I wish for a Perfectly Generic Object.

[Gentlefish]

Granted. You cannot let go of the bugged item. I hope it's light~

I wish PERL was a better scripting language.

[~Neri]

Granted.

It is now called Pearl because they thought a prettier name would make it better.

There is no noticable improvement.

I wish for a shitty SORD.

[blazing glory]

Hrm....Dictionary.com! Define SORD!

noun
1.
a flight or flock of mallards.

Granted! A flock of ducks start covering your house in excrement!

I wish I knew what SORD was meant to mean.

[Gentlefish]

Stationary
Oscillating
Ramjet
Driver

I wish for a masterpiece.

[WillowLuman]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I wish for Jet Set Radio Future to get a remake.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, it will get its remake, but everyone in the movie speaks latin and there are rainbows everywhere. c:

I wish for perfect lucidity when I dream, and to keep my lucidity when I'm awake.