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[IronTomato]

Granted. I eat you.

I wish I was a snail.

[flame99]

Granted. You become a snail. The resulting magical excess discharges, teleporting you on top of a salt flat.
I wish I was better at Dungeon Crawl: Stone Soup.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. You ARE Dungeon Crawl: Stone Soup. You realize that the game, and your computer, are merely an extension of yourself, as you are an extension of them. Its will is yours, and yours its. You cannot help but succeed, since being yourself is logically what you do best. You have reached... Nirdvana.

I wish to do well on today's test, and all that are to come.

[Erils]

Granted. Too bad that an evil warlock just sent you a ton of tests of your worthiness by murdering your own family.

Mrow. (I wish that  I could fly but remained unchanged physically and mentally)

[WillowLuman]

Granted. You are in deep space, where there is nothing holding you down.

I wish, I, too was in Space. And safe in an enclosed environment. With no homicidal or hostile company. And enough supplies. And not headed towards some fatal collision or object.

[Lenglon]

Granted, you and your well-stocked spaceship are sent off to a matterless pocket dimension, where there is nothing but the endless empty expanse of space. no stars, no planets, no people, nothing but a black and endless void extending infinitely in all directions. enjoy the rest of your very, very bored life.

I wish to pet the kitty.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. You are trapped on the ship with me, and get to pet the sentient lifeform that evolved from the ship's cat.

I wish for something interesting and not dangerous to do, to pass the time.

[Helgoland]

Granted, but you already know how to masturbate.

I wish for a good third part of Peter Jackson Adapts: The Hobbit.

[Baffler]

(Was the second part bad?)

Granted. It was so good, in fact, that Jackson kept the footage to himself and the rest of the cast and crew.

I wish I had complete mastery of a useless skill.

[Helgoland]

(Nope, quite good, and I hope that continues. Some hilarious scenes in there )

Granted, but mastery of masturbation really isn't all that useful.

I wish I'd think of a better reply than 'masturbation'.

[tahujdt]

(Nope, quite good, and I hope that continues. Some hilarious scenes in there )

Granted, but mastery of masturbation really isn't all that useful.

I wish I'd think of a better reply than 'masturbation'.

Granted, but where are you going to find a one-night stand, two jars of mayonnaise and a cucumber at this hour?

I wish that my monitor would stop being so not-want-to-worky.

[Helgoland]

Granted. It stops being.

I wish I could disintegrate stuff.

[IronTomato]

Granted. The ground below you disintegrates. You eventually fall into magma.

I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, but Helgoland makes another masturbation joke. Ew.

I wish Helgoland would stop that.

[IronTomato]

Granted, he resumes that shortly after. (Not intended to offend Helgo, just to annoy Hugo)

I wish for another space bar.