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[knightedskull]

Granted, but there is so much meat involved that you cannot enjoy it.

wait, what?

[Doomshifter]

You wish you could understand, but someone will just link you to meatspin and then you'll wish you'd never asked.

I wish that I could row row fight the power.

[James.Denholm]

Granted. Your bedroom is now half-flooded with water. You row over to your lightswitch in your handy-dandy row boat, and turn off your bedroom light. As there is no current travelling through your light, there is no power being outputted.

I wish I knew actually what Doomshifter was referring to.

[Samthere]

Granted, sort of. Now go look at the actual website for automatic corruption.

I wish I had a pet elephant.

[Greiger]

Granted.  You have a pet elephant.  However it is a bright shade of pink, floats, blows bubbles, and only becomes visible to you when you are drunk off your ass.   After a few days more and more start appearing, until they finally start doing that nightmare fuel scene from Dumbo.  You are institutionalized.

I wish I could enter my DF game and get my fortress residents to follow my orders more exactly. (No you idiot when I tell you to go to your station I want you to be standing next to the damn fortification so you can actually shoot through it, not mill around 3 tiles from anyplace yer crossbow would actually be useful.)

[ECrownofFire]

Granted, however you don't follow your own exact orders, so when you tell yourself to stand somewhere, you stand a few tiles away. One day, you stand on the wrong side of a channel. The miner goes away to do something else, and since you are at a dead-end tunnel, nobody can hear you so that you can order the dwarves to dig you out.

I wish that I had a quantum computer that had nothing wrong with it, and was accessible to me in a reasonable way.

[lordnincompoop]

Granted. Unfortunately, its processing power is very small (around the same performance a netbook can give you) and it's incompatible with almost all software available today. Congrats, you have a quantum computer that you can't do anything with.

I wish that the world operated on the same time. (That is, an all-encompassing timezone).

[Samthere]

Granted, but in order to achieve it I had pick one time zone and wipe out the rest of the world.

I wish I could find my favourite d12.

[James.Denholm]

Granted. You find it... in the bottom of a lava flow. When you dive down to get it, you find that it's just as you remember, in one piece and not melted. The same, however, cannot be said for your skin.

I wish I had some idea of which 007-related character to go as to my mate's 18th birthday.

[Askot Bokbondeler]

granted, you go as the awesomest, of course, the bad news is you will never gain enough weight in time

i wish i could get some sleep

[Tarran]

Granted. You sleep.

Forever.

I wish I had something to do... That's not dangerous, and I'm not forced in any way to do said thing.

[James.Denholm]

the bad news is you will never loose enough weight in time

Fix'd for bonus laughter?

Granted. You decide that you can do star-jumps. At that moment, somebody jumps through your window and takes a chainsaw to your legs. Seems like you can't do star-jumps any more.

I wish that I was in the possession of two Stinger-missile carry cases. Because those things are awesome. And would make a sweet computer case.

[Doomshifter]

Granted. The Stinger-missiles are inside, as well as a government tracking device. You are taken out by a SWAT sniper for possessing such a dangerous weapon, you terrorist.

I wish my new chair wasn't so uncomfortable.

[PTTG??]

Granted. Your chair is comfortable... too comfortable. For, it is now a Venus Flychair! Too late, you realize it has injected you with a paralytic toxin! Your last thoughts are how very comfortable it is.
 
I wish Minecraft SMP server was out.

[lordnincompoop]

Granted. It's absolutely horrible, and plagued by TNT griefers.

I wish I'd stop procrsastinating on my forum game.