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[Baughn]

Granted. You like it so much, you die of overeating.

I wish for world peace to occur, in such a way as it would if I were infinitely smart, knew everything, and have the lifetime of the universe to consider how to phrase my wish.

[Vester]

Granted. Even with your infinite wisdom and knowledge, the universe runs down before your wish is complete. On the plus side, no more world means no more war. Or anything else.

I wish that these clocks and watches embedded in my skin would stop ticking.

[Acanthus117]

They stop ticking, because the small C4 charges in each one detonate.


I wish that I could steal vester's/DarkerDark's/Deon(not the NSFW shit, mind you)'s/Fault's/all those other talented people's talent at drawing.

[Baughn]

Granted. You now have a small collection of mind-patterns in USB sticks. You have no idea how to use them, and nobody knows how to draw anymore.

I wish it would stop snowing.

[Acanthus117]

Granted. Now it's raining atom bombs that menace with spikes of pitchblende.

I wish that I had a taco.

[Baughn]

Granted. The taco in your freezer, which you had entirely forgotten about, disappears.

Oh, nothing changes. I hate it. I wish this world would just fall into ruin.

[Acanthus117]

Granted. But out of the ashes, rises an even more apathetic society, one where everything is done for you, and you spend your overly long life waiting for death.

I wish that I had laser vision.

[Baughn]

Granted. Your eyes emit and can now see only coherent single-frequency light. However, since single-frequency light can transmit no information, you're effectively blind.

I wish for the moon on a stick and the stars for a necklace.

[Vester]

Granted. The massive gravitational force exerted by the stars tears you apart. And then you burst into flames.

I wish I could see dead people.

[PTTG??]

Granted. You are completely capable of seeing dead people. Just like everyone else. You don't see any ghosts...

I wish I wished.

[Greiger]

Granted, you wished.  And it was awesome for a little while, then the wish's corrupted aspect comes into play.  Naturally it ends badly for you and everyone you ever loved.

I wish I didn't have my no savescumming policy so I could test my military out against this

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 Forgotten beast

that just showed up at my fortress without risking the demise of my longest lasting .31 fort yet.

[Baughn]

Granted. You beat the beast, but then a minor food issue strikes, and you savescum. This happens more and more often over time, until eventually you never get out of Spring '1050.

I wish I had a friendly AI on my computer.

[Tarran]

Granted. But, three years later the AI goes rampant and takes over the world. And to show it's thanks it uses your brain as a computer.

I wish this wish was not a wish for a bad non-existent wish but for a non-non-existent wish that was good.

[Rozenbuddy]

Granted. You wish to feed the hungry, but don't do anything about it.

I wish for an +oak chair+.

[Caesar]

You get your +oak chair+, but unfortunately it appeared right above a magma vent, and it disappears into the magma flow.

I wish for more catchy jokes.