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[Rozenbuddy]

Granted. I didn't molest him and you didn't put a wish.

I wish Rozen Maiden Overture had English dubs.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

"I did not have relations of any type with that moose or skvirrel."

Granted. In fact, all anime now comes out in a Japanese language version and one done by the original voice actors speaking English! Glee! Too bad you now speak and understand only Nooksack.

I wish The Brain would one day achieve his dreams, and that he is a benevolent (or at elast forgetful) ruler.

[Sensei]

Granted- he becomes semi-benevolent Emperor of Earth for Life. However he dies early of serious leukemia, and Pinky ascends the throne. Armok help us all.

I wish more people played Battlefield 2. Especially since it's only $20 and the most recent update adds all the content from the Euro Forces and Armored Fury expansion packs! Plus tons of mods, and even more content in the Special Forces expansion pack!

/end shameless recruitment

[Lord Dakoth]

Granted. However, all of the new players are 'nade spammers.

I wish that all the nonsense would stay on 4Chan.

[dragnar]

Granted, 4chan reaches critical mass and becomes a black hole of nonsense, dragging the rest of the internet into itself.

I wish DF had more efficient pathing.

[Nirur Torir]

Granted. All dwarves are now sentient beings, and PETA develops a new branch promoting equal rights of AIs. They gets the game banned for the mass ending of sentient AIs. Seven dwarves are now also enough to slow a NASA supercomputer down to three FPS.

I wish that I would stop wasting time trying to create a decent wish.

[Halmie]

Granted but you now waste your time trying to make a decent ban over at the ban thread.

I wish my computer was good enough to play DF with 400 dwarves at a high FPS.

[Cthulhu]

Granted.  It's a Mac.  You can only use it at Starbucks, and you have to wear a scarf and skinny jeans when you use it.  If you have an ironic mustache you don't have to use it at Starbucks.

I wish I knew what to write this stupid humorous essay about.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Granted. You write it about how magical human language and writing is yet people waste it churning out ass-prose every day to feed demand. It's insightful, witty, and goes completely over the heads of everyone and they hate it. You spend the rest of your days writing an obscure column in the back of the New Yorker under a pseudonym. Nobody reads it but the editors are too embarrassed to cancel it. You make $50 a month and raise pidgeons for their soothing coos.

I wish everyone would boycott any company for the entire duration they have any Christmas ads or decorations up, except a safe period in the latter three weeks of December, and then only if that company had not done any Christmas pimping up to that point in the year.
Such that if a company dies because of lost sales it's acceptable because other companies would gain sales and survive, leaving the economy overall in equal shape. Except advertisers and marketers, who will have a hard year, but that's okay because they fit between a pile of musk ox dung and a persistent call center operator on the ladder of humanity.

[Lord Dakoth]

Granted. No one takes down their Halloween decorations until Christmas eve.

I wish that I had a decent drawing tablet.

[dragnar]

Granted:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Yep, that's a real nice stone tablet you got there.

I wish I couldn't understand 1337-speak as well as I can...

[Armok]

Granted, you now have dyslexia(sp?).

I wishthle.

[Phantom]

Granted: ??
!
...
>=(

I wish I was on a crab fishing boat. As an employee.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Granted. The boat is 3200 yards long and eighty stories tall. You are assigned to a small room in the very bowels of the ship, never seeing the light of day or any other people. Due to the design of the ventilation system your work space is alternately scorching and freezing, with the foulest vapors wafting through. Crabs fall through a hatch and you place them on one of seven conveyor belts leading out of the room through pressurized-steam sanitizers. Your job, for which you are paid 32 cents an hour and are worked 16 hours a day, without leave or medical benefits, is to sort the crabs by anus flavor. You have no tools to test this, not even gloves in fact, and so must test each crab as ancient crab fisherman did.

Wow that's depressing. I bet there's a job like that out there.

I wish there were no bad jobs!

[Lord Dakoth]

Granted. The government outlaws "bad jobs" and raises the minimum wage. There are now no jobs at all, including bad jobs.

I wish I had a cookie.