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[Cadeyrn Heffernan]

There is a shocking number of wishes from dead people...

Also I did say all life, not just Quaker Oats Cereal Life.

[TalonisWolf]

Granted, but now everyonr thinks 'Yule R a tool'.

I wish I was better than I am.

[Maximum Spin]

Granted. You become me, for a few seconds, but it's too much for you to handle and you evaporate.

I wish all the water on Earth, including that contained in humans, would spontaneously separate into gaseous hydrogen and oxygen.

[TalonisWolf]

Granted. Human souls are transferred from their current bodies into one made of gases in the process, so the casualties are relatively lower than you anticipated. Humanity takes a moment to collectively slap you in the face via compressed gas hand constructs.

I wish for a adorable and non-eating-my-face puppy.

[Mathel]

Granted. You get an adorable Eating-TalonisWolf-leg puppy.

I wish to get a puppy repellent.

[Ultimuh]

Granted. You now repel Puppies.
But you attract ticks, fleas, lice, gnats, and mosquitoes instead.


I wish for an end to all parasitic lifeforms.

[Puppyguard]

Granted, but since pets are somewhat parasitic they die too.

I wish for necromancer powers.

[Magistrum]

Granted, but you don't become a creature of the night and everything you raise tries to kill you.

I wish money.

[TalonisWolf]

Granted, you're crushed under gold coins. If that's too extreme for you, you're instead given Monopoly money.

I wish for a happy ending.

[Maximum Spin]

Granted. Unfortunately, the cops bust the "massage parlor" you visit to receive this wish, and you get to go to prison.

I wish to have absolute control of the universe.

[KittyTac]

Aliens from another universe invade.

I wish I did NOT have a cute, loyal, fuzzy kitten

[Maximum Spin]

Granted. You don't have that. Instead, you have a pet rock which is not fuzzy at all and so disloyal that it clubs you to death. It's adorable, though.

I wish to have absolute control over all universes.

[Mathel]

Granted. Lord English lives outside universes though and kills you anyway (along with the universes).

I wish that Lord English is no longer immortal and then is killed.

[Ultimuh]

Granted.  They are now dead, permanently.
Maximum Spin, however.. Is also dead, permanently.
You also have to live with the guilt. (And yes, you DO feel guilty for Maximum Spin's death.)


I wish for 2018 to be much better than 2017, 2016, and 2015 combined.

[Maximum Spin]

Granted. 2018 will outstrip those years in all of their most salient features, which is a perfectly reasonable and unbiased interpretation of "better". As a side effect, since one salient feature of all of those years is that I was alive in them, I am now even more alive than ever before. You thought I would stay dead? Don't be ridiculous. Mathel still has to feel guilty though.

I wish other people's wishes had to have benevolent side effects for me again, I liked that.