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[GigaGiant]

Granted, you sleep all day and are awake all night, and your dreams are of a man trapped in a padded room in a straitjacket.

I wish for a sentient computer that does what I say, but will not harm me in any way.

Granted.  The computer is an Intel Pentium III with Windows CE 2.0.  Also, it only understands Russian.

I wish that my feet were two shoe sizes smaller.

[Puppyguard]

Granted, but all shoes are always two sizes larger than your feet.

I wish for a giant pet crab.

[wierd]

Your wish is granted.  It is "historically accurate". However, some jackass flips it over and hits it for massive damage.

I wish the natural disasters would stop.

[Paxiecrunchle]

Granted, earths natural disasters are stopped when a nuclear war ensues after trump blames china for creating all of said natural disasters.

I wish that I could kiss everyone, and that they would let me.

[Mathel]

Granted, you can kiss everyone. But not anyone. You have to kiss everyone at once, or noone. Everyone in this case includes all the animals as well. It is considered a touch-based move by such abilities as poison point.

I wish that all polish cans are suddenly in outer space.

[Enemy post]

Granted, but you didn't really want that to happen. Poland can into space.

I wish for a reply.

[bloop_bleep]

Granted, but it's a giant big enormous great rambling thing that has absolutely no topic I mean it just keeps talking and talking and is just one big run-on sentence and you can't understand it at all because it's so big and rambly and you wish that it would stop and want to stop reading it but you just keep going and going because it just keeps going and going and you're not so sure what the point of it is anymore and you really, really wish it would stop because it just keeps rambling and you think this is just a big waste of time that you shouldn't be wasting reading this and you just want it to stop because it's so, so long...

I wish for Donald Trump to resign.

[Stirk]

Granted. The UN declares him President of Earth, but only after he resigns from his current position.

I wish to have more motivation to do my homework :0.

[Puppyguard]

Granted, A gun is pointed at your head, if you do not do your homework you will die.

I wish for a piece of plastic.

[pikachu17]

Granted. You are asphyxiating from the plastic on your face.

I wish that Hillary Clinton had been elected president.

[Derpy Dev]

Granted, but the moment she is elected she reveals herself to have been an alien imposter the whole time and enslaves the human race. Nobody is surprised.

I wish that Batman existed.

[pikachu17]

Batmen exist. They are butlers. Angsty butlers.

I wish I was the ruler of the world.

[NEANDERTHAL]

Everything is now measured in units of you, and must be remeasured each time you gain or lose weight.

I wish to never be bored.

[pikachu17]

You are never bored, because you no longer exist.

I wish that I had a good thing to wish for now.

[Puppyguard]

Granted, you wish for me to have infinite money.

I wish everyone had infinite money, but without breaking the economy.