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[ManMan]

Granted, your dead and the dead can't be lazy...

I wish for a working copy of Dark Souls III.

Granted, you have nothing to run it.

I wish to have perfect memory

[bigjaredmonkey]

Granted, but being able to remember everything drives you insane.

I wish for an orange.

[Ardent Debater]

Granted, you are now drowning in oranges.

I wish I had some Chocolate Pudding.

[bigjaredmonkey]

Granted, you are dropped into a vat of chocolate pudding with no way out.

I wish for the person above to want vanilla pudding instead

[Nakéen]

Granted. As Vanilla is the sweetchemical opposite of Chocolate, they annihilate each other in a burst of energetic sugar. The resulting radiations transform Ardent Debater into Glycaeman, and he drowns you under a huge Grass Jelly as a revenge for your actions.

I wish I could create doubles of my consciousness, appearing as a floating spirit around me.

[TD1]

Granted. Either people think you're a ghost, and ironically kill you, or your consciousness realises it can exist externally and without you, and so leaves you.

I wish Jesus were  Haile Selassie.

[Sl4cker]

Oops, your wish mysteriously vanished.
Granted. In return, Haile Selassie was Jesus. He doesn't die on the cross. Humanity is forever doomed.

I wish I was rich.

[TD1]

Granted. People kill you to get your money.

I wish Jesus were  Haile Selassie.

[Tomasque]

 Jesus already was Haile Selassie, and now becomes double-Haile Selassie. The universe is broken.

 I wish that wishes were shooting stars.

[ManMan]

Granted, the wishes kill you by shooting stars at you.

I wish for a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

[Nakéen]

Granted, the Universe tries to fulfill the condition of a merry Christmas and a happy new year at the same time. Folding Time like a sheet of paper, Christmas and New Year become one, indeed making it a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
As a result of this, reality collapses and everything disappear.

I wish for the precedent poster to lose his hat of wizardhood.

[TheBiggerFish]

The precedent poster loses its hat of wizardhood.

Yeah, that did absolutely nothing because you specified an invalid target.

I wish I had a funny wish to make.

[bigjaredmonkey]

Granted, but before you make it you die from laughing over thinking about it.

I wish i could git gud at dark souls.

[NJW2000]

Granted. Real life becomes incredibly hazardous and deadly instead.

I wish the Solaire could get what he desires.

[TalonisWolf]

  Granted. With no further purpose in life, he loses his sanity and ruins everything.

  I wish for a non-hazardous pizza delivery that neither I nor anyone else proceeds to choke on. (Use your imagination!)