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[Nunzillor]

You spend 20 years living the most boring, average, and mundane life possible.  One day you get lost in the woods, but no one remembers to search for you due to your blandness.  You don't survive.

I wish to have that prison sentence you mentioned reduced.

[Maegil]

If you hadn't been instantly blinded, you'd be able to use your stare as a laser pointer. As it is, you can entertain cats if you shake your head.
You get it reduced for good behaviour, but there's a riot just before you're released; you're forced to kill your jail rapist in self-defence, but the jury believed you took the opportunity to get even; you get the maximum sentence.

I wish for another large mug of strong black coffee, but a second one would leave me jittery.

[Nunzillor]

You ask your barista, but she mishears and hands you a large mug of strong, black toffee instead.  It's delicious, but you spend the rest of your day on an intense sugar high.

I wish to entertain kittens with my laser pointer eyes.

[Adragis]

Granted. It's an industrial burning laser: be careful.

I wish for sizable assets. In the financial sense.

[Maegil]

Granted, you're the proud owner of a building. A run-down, slummy, roach-infested tenement on a heavily industrialized suburb, beside a sewer ditch. The place is condemned, and you have to pay for the demolition and rubble removal; it bankrupts you.

It's a rainy sunday morning, I'd really like to be able to sleep again.

[Nunzillor]

Your doctor calls you.  He's crying.  When he finishes talking, you're crying too.  You feel that life has no meaning anymore, that it is nothing beyond a series of superficial events leading to an inevitable end.  You stare out the window into the rain for an hour, chewing your black toffee, before laying down and going back to sleep.  It is the last thing you ever do.

I wish to win an award for bad, depressing writing.

[piratejoe]

granted,You are so depressing that you win an award and get a few people to kill themselves however shortly after yukari gaps you to the darkest dungeon.

I wish i was able to find gensokyo,and not die/get eaten by rumia....*shivers*

[TheBiggerFish]

Granted, you only get horribly mangled for ever.

I wish I had a constantly on Internet connection direct from my brain to B12.

[flazeo25]

Granted, but the thoughts from B12 slowly grow in you thinking their your own thoughts, unable to overcome to kill people thinking their elves and cops manage to find you when you groveling in a hole digging to circus.

I wish I was a cockroach in nuclear fallout.

[heydude6]

Granted. Unfortunately, the cockroach's resistance to radiation is merely an extremely popular misconception. Sure it has double the rad resistance of humans but the rad resistance of humans is pathetic. You die horribly. A fruitfly would have been a better choice.

I wish I was a fruitfly in nuclear fallout

[Nirur Torir]

Granted, but now your lifespan can be easily counted in days, and you lose your sapience.

I wish for an awesome paperweight.

[Maegil]

Granted. It's a masterwork marble statuette of Ivan IV, Tzar of all Russias.

I wish the weather was good enough for an outdoor party.

[TD1]

Granted. The weather becomes so violent that you have to have an outdoor party. In other words, your house is swept away.

I wish I could understand Latin, and had ample books to read to use this knowledge.

[piratejoe]

granted you where born in england and your entire childhood is changed so you can learn Latin

i wish...arg that i was healed....arg and that rumia would leave me alone....

[Sl4cker]

Granted. You are instead mobbed on by every single unnamed Youkai in existence.

I wish I was God.