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[Lord_lemonpie]

Wish granted. You spend the rest of your life eating dead rats and vomiting up their remains.

I wish my bearded dragon stopped hibernating.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted, it wakes up and pillages the countryside, burning everything in its path.

Including your family.

I wish to have all my school work done.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. You do it all. And don't take breaks.

I wish I had infinite patience.

[Magnumcannon]

Not granted yet, you have to wait for it 

I wish my cat stopped sleeping in the corridor, it blocks the path for everyone.

[jaxy15]

Granted. It runs off and goes to sleep on a freeway. It does not survive.

I wish for a magical stick.

[flabort]

Granted. It's the Switch of Following. It follows you around just out of sight, but anyone else who sees it has an irresistible urge to grab it, hit you with it, and then dispose of it (only for it to follow you some more).

I wish for awkward situations in the modding community due to the new gelding activity.

[Arcvasti]

Granted. Toady nukes the inappropriate content from orbit and disallows any future mods.

I wish for a catsnake of my very own.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. It inherits the adorableness and love of nibbly play bites of cats. And the venom of black mambas.

I wish for more pie!

[Ama]

Granted. The pies come in dirt, raw eggs, and cardboard flavor.

I wish for a giant flying crab to ride.

[Jamahawk]

Granted. A giant flying crab emerges from the nearest pile of sand. It promptly prostrates itself to you. You quickly mount the beast and take off, only to find it does not come with a saddle. Oh boy! The chaffing!

I wish monkeys in captivity would not throw poo, but they gently toss strawberry flavored gummies!

[blazing glory]

Granted but it still comes out of their rear ends.

I wish I had a time machine so I could get more sleep without consequences.

[94dima94]

Granted: you jump in the time machine and you turn it on. Immediately after you leave, it breaks down, leaving you in some sort of limbo.
Since you are outside of time, time isn't passing anymore for you. You can now sleep as long as you want; you don't have anything else to do, really...

I wish I could have free, unlimited Wi-Fi, everywhere I go.

[Ultimuh]

Granted, all it took was removing 70% of your brain to make it fit into your skull.

I wish I would be in an ageless state were I could stay current age forever but still able live life normally.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. Your apparent lack of aging draws suspicion, and soon you have religious zealots on the left trying to assassinate you, more of them on the right worshipping you, and in the center politicians and military commanders who want to use you.

I wish to experience much joy.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, you can experience joy at anytime, but for every minute of joy you will eventually have to endure 3 times as much suffering. even if you spend your life with nothing but joy you will still have to experience the suffering after death.

I wish for the power of Thermokinesis