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[Tawa]

Granted, but the entire internet shuts down the second you do.

Granted. The potato powers a light. One day, you realize your life is a potato, and work against the Potatrix to destroy it once and for all. Agent Tater kills you in a matter of seconds.

I wish that it felt less weird to watch anime with other people around.

[hops]

Granted. All people around you undergo a horrific transformation into waifus.

I wish for the meaning of life.

[Tawa]

42.

42 42 42 42 42 42 42.

[Arx]

65432543515387685321638435735421867835231687354328335432167431! Too much meaning. The universe becomes a sploe dead.

I wish I knew how the IRA crossed the Atlantic.

[Tawa]

Granted. The way that they did drives you mad.

I wish for denatured plutonium.

[TD1]

Granted. You eat it.

Not good, my friend, not good at all.

I wish for a safe and easy way to create gold from lead.

[Tawa]

Granted. Unfortunately, your safe and easy way to create gold from lead is coveted by a man with no nose and white skin, who steals it from you and kills you for good measure.

I wish the later books in the series I just referenced were as good as the first ones.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. You never do get to read them, because other people always get their hands on them before you do.

I wish for 3 million pennies.

[Andres]

Granted. The government from then on discontinues pennies and doesn't offer refunds for those who have them.

I wish to smoke crack.

[hops]

Granted. You somehow managed to fall through the seams between reality during your trip and find yourself in Gehennom.

I wish to have my life narrated by Morgan Freeman.

[Stirk]

Granted. As a character, you cannot here the narration, nor can anyone else in our universe.

I wish for a gun big enough to take down the Demon Sultan Azathoth in one hit.

[hops]

Granted. It consumes the universe to gain sufficient energy for the blast.

I wish to know everything in the universe and not go mad.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted, but you're just in denial.

I wish for horrible puns.

[Andres]

Granted. They all come from the Star Wars sequels, ruining the franchise forever.

I wish my father loved me.

[Eric Blank]

Granted, but you're not allowed to eat cake, pie, or ice cream again for the rest of your life or the pact will be undone.

I wish the rain wasn't so damn cold.