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[Karkov]

Granted, however there appears to be a rather large and angry Mongolian horde outside of your window.

I wish I could think of better wishes.

[Tawa]

Granted. They're all really perverted wishes and you get banned.

I wish I could cast Magic Missile.

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, but magic is declared illegal and you are executed.

I wish for a pre-prepared wishlist of outrageous wishes so I don't corrupt a wish and then not have an idea for a wish.

[Karkov]

Granted, however it is stolen!  By me!  Mwahahaha!

I wish I could read Comrade Shamrock's handwriting.

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, but to gain such knowledge it drives you sane. You lose all understanding of the Bay12 and DF and leave the forum.

I wish I had legible handwriting.

[Tawa]

Granted. You abruptly lose your hands and must write with your feet. It is surprisingly better than your handwriting, but your footwriting is considered to be extremely strange and you are ostracized by others.

I wish for a monster truck.

Yeah... a monster truck

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

T-shirt.

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, the monster truck t-shirt is too heavy for you to wear and you are crushed.

I wish this wish was a bamboozling conundrum that boggled the mind, flambéd the senses and pulverized the perceived reality.

[Tawa]

Granted. Your senses are flambéed so well that you cannot feel anything anymore.

I wish that you looked ridiculous.

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, what's new?

I wish Tawarochir had various assorted confectioneries of a decidedly venomous nature in a state of consumption in his person.

[Tawa]

Granted. In order to avoid the effects of your wish, I use Alter Self to appear female, change my name to Erynrochil (the female equivalent of "Tawarochir"), get some other guy to say "I'm Tawarochir!", and once the wish has taken effect undo the changes and continue with life as normal.

Did I mention that you're the guy who said "I'm Tawarochir?"

I wish that it was raining pancakes.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. you are buried under pancakes. And there isn't enough syrup.

I wish for fewer horrible ways to die.

[Tawa]

Granted. There are now infinitely more non-horrible ways to die.

I wish for an alloy of silver, steel, iron, and copper.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted, people can no longer die through listening to you talk.
Granted, but it requires the souls of innocent Bay12ers to make. And, as we all know, there is no such thing as an innocent Bay12er.

I wish I could learn language as easily as a 3yo but still retain my mental and physical age as well as my current life and everything about it.

[Tawa]

Granted. I have no clue what a 3yo is, so I'm going to assume that means a yo-yo that moves laterally before coming back and forming a triangle.

They're also not very good at learning language, so you lose the ability to speak English.

I wish that it was Christmas every day.

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, it loses its effect and you become sick of it.

I wish magic was made illegal and Tawarochir was put in prison for his magicky crimes.