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[Ultimuh]

Granted, you have no legs!

I wish I was just a bit wittier.

[Lyeos]

Granted. It does break, so you can't walk on it. Problem solved.

Granted, but it's not enough to help you.

I wish Aquaman would throw a whale at a volcano.

[JackOSpades]

 granted, he's still not considered cool and now humane societies, anti whaling activists, PETA, and green peace are all actively hunting him with depth charges.

I wish superman would throw a volcano at whales.

[Shoruke]

Granted. Superman calls you a whale and throws a volcano at you. The good news is, it doesn't hurt for very long!

I wish to be invulnerable.

[blazing glory]

Granted,since you don't have pain immunity it doesn't do you too much good.

I wish it wasn't so humid over here.

[JackOSpades]

 Granted instead it's very damp and humid "down there", as a result of poor hygiene fungus start's growing.

 I wish for Invariability. 

[Shoruke]

Granted. *puts JackOSpades into a cryogenic stasis pod*
Years later, it turns out that to revive someone from Cryogenic stasis, you have to treat their body with chemicals and stuff first, which we didn't in your case. Oops.

I wish for a gentle rain.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted. The it rains gentlemen.

I wish it would rain hamsters and rabbits instead of cats and dogs.

[SOLDIER First]

They're all dead.

I wish I was a little fish,
I wish I was a bass.

[Shoruke]

Granted; you are now a sea bass. Moments later, you are caught on a fisherman's hook and, well, the fisherman wins.

I wish to have Elsa's ice powers (from Frozen).

[SOLDIER First]

You freeze to death.

I wish I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal gun.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, its a replica so it doesn't do anything.
I wish for John De Lancie

[JackOSpades]

 Granted, but only for a few minuets before he had to return to the Q Continuum.

I wish for Valve to release a game with the number 3 on the end, any game that's a part 3, ANY.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. Team Fortress 3.

I wish for moar research!

[JackOSpades]

 granted, it causes !!Science!! to occur.

Granted. Hat Fortress 3.

FTFY

I wish for moar Hats on Hats that shoot Hats.