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[Worldmaster27]

Granted. It is sapient and in the night it kills anyone it thinks is a threat to you.

Granted. They do not cut themselves. They bash themselves against the nearest object randomly.

I wish I was Bay12.

[Tawa]

Granted. My new knife does it for you. NINJAS

Granted. You are driven mad by being all of us at once.

I wish Sensei didn't put me on the waitlist.

[wer6]

Granted, fool. He put you into both the black list and the "2bstahbed"list, You did not survive the encounter.
I wish that i did not hurt my arm so bad it still hurts since yesterday in a jump rope accident.

[Tawa]

Granted. You have now hurt it worse in a buzzsaw accident.

I wish for a brick.

[BlitzDungeoneer]

Granted. It lands on your head.

I wish for ponies.

[TD1]

Granted. They land on your head.

I wish for world dominance.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted. 'Murrica thinks you're a dictator, so they kill you.

I wish I was a square.

[BlitzDungeoneer]

Granted. You are a total square that doesn't know anything. You forget to breathe, and die.

I wish I was in Minecraft.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted. Your spawnpoint is in the Nether.

I wish I wasn't insane.

[Shoruke]

Granted. You are now able to fully comprehend everything in the universe clearly. Unfortunately, the truth is that the universe is a very stupid, horrible place, and you are promptly driven insane when you comprehend its sheer craziness.

I wish for Springtime.

[Worldmaster27]

Granted. With it, you develop life-threatening allergies, and can't go outside during the Spring.

I wish my sheet of paper was a cat.

[Lyeos]

Granted. You get a very hungry tiger.

I wish I could see exactly five minutes into the future whenever I wanted.

[BlitzDungeoneer]

Granted. You can only predict the death of someone.

I wish I had Excalibur.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. You are not crowned king of England because nobody witnessed you pull it out of anything but a rusty old scabbard. The UK government confiscates it, because they felt like it. You no longer have Excalibur.

I wish I had a functioning 3D printing machine and a program to design items to print from it.

[Tawa]

Granted. It accidentally recognizes gun parts while you try to make a coffee cup and sends a report to the feds, who arrest you nearly immediately.

I wish for a bastard sword.