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[WillowLuman]

Granted, but you make the same mistake as Odysseus' crew.

I wish for the events of Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden to be canon.

[Tawa]

Granted. Unfortunately, it no longer exists.

I wish to be better at the Game of Mafia, like on the mafia boards. Not actual organized crime.

[Kilojoule Proton]

Granted. "Better" in this case is interpreted to be the comparative of the moral sense of "good," but now, you will always be on the mafia's side.

I wish my exhalations could turn things (even oxygen) into gold.

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Granted. It occurs at the alveolar level, and you feel a slight weight in your chest as you slowly begin to asphyxiate and your lungs are coated in molecule-thick gold particles wherever the CO2 leaks out of your cells.

I wish for a rad joystick.

[RAM]

Its keen fashion sense is undeniably topical, though the clothing does make it rather awkward to use. And then you start to feel uneasy about touching its knob...

I wish for rad rads.

[Tawa]

Granted. However, "rads" now means "demons" and "rad" now means "killing people who have RAM as their username on a forum". So you now have killing people who have RAM as their username on a forum demons.

Enjoy.

I wish for an elephant who is not on top of me.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, its under you, and your strapped to it, and its on fire, and its an elephant from boatmurdered.

I wish for the Mohorovicic discontinuity to turn into hair.

[Kilojoule Proton]

Granted.

...

The slowly increasing inescapable stench of quadrillions of tonnes of burning hair and massive, almost literally earth-shattering quakes were not enough, you say? Fine. The mantle sprouts a pair of giant eyes, a gigantic nose as large as Mercury, three enormous misshapen ears, a mouth large enough to swallow all the water on and in the planet, massive arteries and veins, and a few hundred kilometers of windpipe and pharynx as well. After this, the core magically converts into deformed neural tissue, releasing the mass difference as a massive increase in temperature such that the whole world glows gamma, killing off any remaining life. Then, the Terrestrial Abomination opens its mouth to scream. With no lungs. With no air. Sleep well!

I wish I had not written that.

[Fluoman]

Granted, you add that the Earth Monster will now roam the universe, consuming planets on its way. You've written something different!

I wish I could be a Mars colonist.

[Kilojoule Proton]

Granted. Unfortunately, the multiple groups responsible for designing your launch vehicle use multiple different unit systems, and you are now orbiting the sun with little hope for recovery or help. Fortunately (?), you do not end up crashing into Mars or dying from atmospheric entry.

I wish all humans suddenly turned chaotic evil simultaneously with respect to an observer in its center.

[RAM]

The observer in the earth's centre regards chatoic Evil as 'anything that isn't in hideous molten pain' as they have clearly strayed from the righteous path. Studying magma flows becomes safer, but nobody notices so you don't have the opportunity to derive satisfaction from it...

I wish that lasers followed interesting geometric patterns.

[WillowLuman]

The observer in the earth's centre regards chatoic Evil as 'anything that isn't in hideous molten pain' as they have clearly strayed from the righteous path. Studying magma flows becomes safer, but nobody notices so you don't have the opportunity to derive satisfaction from it...

I wish that lasers followed interesting geometric patterns.

Granted. They follow the mysterious, infinite path of a straight line.

I wish for a ham grenade.

[Kilojoule Proton]

Granted. Unfortunately, it is defective and detonates early, exposing you to non-HAM 2.45GHz microwaves. Perhaps self-bacon is an acceptable alternative to ham?

I wish for an apple seed.

[RAM]

 You receive an apple-seed and a Geiger-counter. The apple-seed is in a small, sealed, lead container, the Geiger-counter is chittering away enthusiastically. This scene is printed on a monitor in a C.I.A. surveillance van...

I wish that lasers followed interesting geometric patterns(plural).

[WillowLuman]

Granted. Lasers can follow an infinite number of straight line paths, depending on the angle and position of the emitter.

I wish for more self bacon.