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[WillowLuman]

You become a chinese dragon, and are subjected to an endless stream of visitors asking for help with petty problems. And non-consensual exploitation and cheapening of your image by advertisements. Luckily, because all of the misrepresentation, people begin to doubt your existence.

I wish for a stupid drill hat.

[Baffler]

Granted. There is a drill on the inside of the hat, and you die horribly.

I wish I was selectively telepathic.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. You can communicate mind-to-mind with anyone attempting to throttle you.

I wish for poisoned food.

[werty892]

Granted. You can communicate mind-to-mind with anyone attempting to throttle you.

I wish for poisoned food.

Granted. You can communicate mind-to-mind with anyone attempting to throttle you.

I wish for poisoned food.

Granted. The food appears inside of you.

I wish for motivation.

[WillowLuman]

I stand behind you with a cattle prod. Motivated?

I wish the free weekend for Saints Row IV hadn't run out just yet.

[Erils]

I wish that I had more free time, but was not dead, nor was my health or my job at risk, nor was the world or humanity at risk,  nor was DF or the forum it created at risk.

Granted. You are locked into a dimension, by yourself, with a rock and a stick to play with.

All the free time, ever. You'll likely go insane in weeks if you don't die of starvation first.

I wished that my health would not be at risk. Starvation is definitely a health-risk.

I wish the free weekend for Saints Row IV hadn't run out just yet.

Granted. It lasts for ever because weekends now last forever. Most people are unable to adapt and do not return to work. Industry plummets and the economy is sent spiraling downwards once again. Eventually everyone is too hungry or poor to play Saints Row IV. It may be free, but you still need a system to play it on.

[misko27]

Granted. Your health is fine. You are still stuck there.

I wish there was more time in general: The days are longer, lives last longer, etc. All by the same standard.

[Erils]

Granted. However people move at half the speed the used to so while there is more time to think and live, movement happens at such a slow pace that it is almost as if you were just watching the world in slow motion.

I wish that I knew how to outsmart the system.

[Ultimuh]

Granted.
You manage to outsmart the system only to find out the system has outsmarted you.

I wish the system wasn't as horribly broken as it currently is.

[Comrade P.]

Granted. Welcome to complete distopia.

I wish my history-related wishes weren't affected by Godwin's law.

[Ultimuh]

Granted.
They are now affected by Murphy's law instead.

I will for less Nazis.

[Comrade P.]

Granted. Commies are coming in fearsome numbers, so now the number of nazis is insignificantly small.

I wish they would win.

[Helgoland]

Granted. Hope you enjoy your trip to Siberia.

I wish for a dictatorship of cats.

[Ultimuh]

Granted.
They are North Korean cats.

I wish the NK cats were robots.

[Erils]

Granted. But sadly robot cats are not as cool as they sound, and what with being named Head Hairball Sweeper, moving those 20-ton jagged steel hairballs must be hard for you.

I wish for a non-lethal surprise that doesn't in any way cause my death.