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[WillowLuman]

Granted, but it deems all mankind's fics to be drivel, and is driven to hate us by the stupidity and depravity it reads. Becoming self-aware, it rates all things "INSULTING", making itself utterly useless.

I wish for weaponized leaves from space.

[Erils]

Granted but all the weaponized leaves leave and leave nothing weaponized, even the weaponized leaves, in the whole universe leaving us with nothing that could possibly be dangerous or used as a weapon. As a result, nothing exists.

I wish that I could fit all of the data from my computer on to my USB and use it to run my games from any computer.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, but you get caught doing so at work and fired accordingly.

I wish for UNLIMITED HAM, in every sense of the word.

[RAM]

It is a long and tragic tale of metaphysics and the nature of duality, but basically, the ham that you receive doesn't exist...

Gimme some delicious marbles in cement!

[Helgoland]

Granted. Your testicles are stuck.

I wish for the new DF release.

[Evilsx]

Granted, Newest version will be coming out in 2513 and will contain only an Dwarf saying...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Urist

I wish for Deus Ex to stop hating me all the time

[Comrade P.]

Granted. Now Deus Ex despises you.

I wish I had a fedora hat worn by Al Capone

[Avis-Mergulus]

Granted! Al Capone notices that you stole his hat, and sends somebody to teach you a lesson you won't soon forget.
I wish I was an IDF commando.

[tahujdt]

Granted! The Intestinal Defenestration Force is happy to have you!

I wish for a Web Design class that would actually challenge me.

[IronTomato]

Granted. It is very challenging indeed, so challenging that everyone fails at it, including you.

I wish I could breathe underwater

[Helgoland]

Granted. You air-drown.

I wish I was omnipotent and omniscient.

[tahujdt]

Granted. You air-drown.

I wish I was omnipotent and omniscient.

Granted. You now have a religion that worships you. The practitioners of this religion are a mix of the worst aspects of Moonies, Shriners, and Christian Scientists. Everyone hates them.

I wish for a pair of Google Glasses.

[Helgoland]

Granted. A bully from your old school is given one to celebrate his coming out of jail.

I wish everyone else was omnibenevolent.

[Loud Whispers]

Everyone gains higher awareness of one another in a momentary ephemeral event the likes of which has been unknown since the dawn of time. Life cries out to life for higher purpose, for higher understanding - whatever they find, they will find together.
That is to say, until they find out about you.
Bearing uncanny resemblance to Karl Marx, rumours spread of Helgoland, the only person in the universe capable of bearing ill-intent.
Of course, what happened next didn't change the fact that they were still omnibenevolent. Yet it seeded the doubts that perhaps we were not all omnibenevolent, and that perhaps the peace all had depended on had been built on pillars of salt and sand...

I wish that the next person's wish be a rather humble want.

[Lenglon]

Granted, I wish I was a fox.