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[RAM]

If you had just waited a little bit longer, you probably could have used that wish to do something about being afflicted by a rabies infection that you won't know about until it is terminal in the absence of wishes...

I wish to know what will probably happen to me over the course of the coming day whenever I wake up.

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Granted, the process goes at a 1:1 speed.

I wish for long, glorious locks.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A non-irradiated, pure-²H₂O comet, in (could you call it) orbit? Consider me suitably compressed.

[WillowLuman]

You got it, but your godlike hair doesn't save you from the merciless asphyxiating depths of trans-Neptunian space. Also, the heavy water makes it fall out.

I wish for Psionics to be a valid major in college and to excel at it.

[RAM]

You now have a P.H.D. in Dungeons and Dragons. Pretty much the whole human race makes fun of you for it.

I wish to be able to shoot random magic beams from my fingers.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. Here's a set of LED finger lasers.

I wish for my teeth to be indestructible.

[Dunamisdeos]

Your teeth become incorporeal, and therefore indestuctible. Also, useless.

I wish to have something horrible happen to me.

[Rose]

Granted, you are inundated with pancakes.

I wish I was asleep right now.

[fractalman]

You are asleep. your body, however, is being manipulated by evil aliens into typing.
You will never be allowed to wake up. 


I wish I had a reliable, safe, temporal-distortion generator so I can get an extra hour of sleep in each night.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. Extra sleep is extremely addicting and you set the generator to run longer and longer every night.

I wish for Zombie Abe Lincoln.

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Granted. You get an action figure.

I wish for a free portrait of myself, similar to that of King George III, to be granted to me by a master portrait painter, (on par with the skill & style of Allan Ramsay).
I wish for fitting copies of those duds.

[Gentlefish]

you get a wonderful (illegal!) copy of the portrait, sans George III.

I wish for the ability to enhance photos like they do in CSI.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. Enjoy your unlimited resolution porn, you perv. Also, Adobe assassinates you so they can get the patent.

I wish for MOAR

[My Name is Immaterial]

Enjoy your Mostly Organic Australian Radishes.

I wish I liked the taste of Brussel sprouts.

[WillowLuman]

Granted. But now your longing for the sweet taste of Brussels sprouts goes unfulfilled, because I like them even more and take all of yours.

I wish for even MOAR mostly organic australian radishes.

[RAM]

The spelling nazis hunt you down and your radishes cannot save you. Then the capitalisation nazis get ahold of your remains, it is most disturbing...

I want a shiny new castle all of my own!