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[Zako]

Granted, all ants are dead, but your home collapes because of empty ant nests.

I wish that I was the holder of a really cool sounding world record.

[Neoskel]

Granted, you are the holder of the 'Most Horrific And Painful Freezing Death' record.

I wish. Therefore i am.

[muwahahaha]

Unfortunately, you ARE a loser.

I wish for a greyish blob on some paper.

[Zako]

Granted, the grey blob is the last bit of your brain.

I wish for typos to never have come into existance.

[Dr. Melon]

Granted, but you can no longer stop off-topic posts.

I wish that this smiley was orange: 

[Owie]

Granted. All smileys you use will be replaced with citrus fruit now.

I wish I could tap dance.

[Nilocy]

Granted. You can now tap and dance. Its a fun thing doing the two individually, but not together, for that breaks reality.

I wish i had a better set of teeth.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Granted. They're in a jar of Pepsodent next to your bed.

I wish Cthulhu had six extra sets of teeth.

[Owie]

Granted. 6 times infinity is still infinity.

I wish garlic didn't make your breath terrible.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Granted. It doesn't make my breath terrible. Everyone else is out of luck.

I wish onions were full of nutrients.

[Owie]

Granted. You now have the power of stating facts about vegetables. Whee!

I wish I could hit any note perfectly.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Granted. But only when playing the electric bagpipes.

I wish for some electric bagpipes.

[Sean Mirrsen]

Granted. You get only one - it consists of a pipe organ, a dirigible balloon, and a Boeing-747 turbine. You can't shut it off and are forced to play it forever.

I wish the microbots from Stanislav Lem's "Invincible" would invade Earth.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Granted. But before they can act, a wayward white blood cell eats them.

I wish for a slushie machine in my house with a hundred syrup flavors!

[Zako]

Granted, but it never works, and never will.

I wish I had a bomb shelter in my backyard that I can use safely.