Met some interesting people lately and a metamour recommended
Lingua Ignota - Sinner Get Ready. Listed to the album raptly (no pun intended). I haven't looked into the intended message, but it certainly reminded me of some ideas I used to obsess over.
There's obviously anger at her time in the church, and mockery of the whole "Repent, sinner!" shit. (Someone did mention she suffered emotional manipulation then especially). Felt pretty standard really. But as I let it play in the background, it seemed to shift. It sounded so *wistful*. She sang about the comfort of being forgiven, and the certainty of conviction. Sure the forgiveness requires emotionally surrendering yourself, body and soul, but... well. In a slightly different context, I've experienced how good that can be. Building such a powerful bond requires sacrifice and trust.
It ends with someone explaining to a reporter how the blood of Jesus keeps her safe. She sounds happy and confident, polite even. Her phrasing is a bit creepy... well, "being covered in the blood" keeps her safe from the sickness of outsiders... but it almost sounds reasonable. It certainly sounds reassuring. She sounds happy.
I think maybe the point is that she *isn't* happy. This state of being is reliant on her continued surrender, and perhaps the repression through emotional and physical means of her true identity. But there were many times growing up where I tried to discard my fucked-up individuality for just a taste of normalcy and comfort.
It all reminded me of being on a starry lakeside as a troubled young... queer person. At Bible Camp. I hadn't been forced to go, though I'd told my parents I was doing it as a favor to my grandmother. That was a lie. They were splitting up, painstakingly, and my grades were crashing, and I kept dreaming about boys in my class kissing me, but also this imaginary girl who was my soulmate and guide or something.
I wanted it all to stop. I guess I daydreamed about death, but I never came close to trying it. My body and mind were too important to my family, and I didn't want to hurt them. I owed them too much already just for existing. I only wanted to replace my soul.
...wowThe Bible itself was still ridiculous, but that didn't actually matter. It was obviously only tenuously connected to what all these happy Christians had. So for weeks I had attended the youth group, making my grandma happy and even sorta-kinda making friends. I didn't really lie, I just sang songs and stuff and tried to understand them.
They knew, of course. I had hardly lied and it was pretty clear. That was fine, I was very polite for a teen atheist at the time so they were happy to be good Christian role-models and help me along. Culminating in this camp, which culminated in a Christian Rock event, where I stepped forward to be saved and they were all "Yaaay you did it!" and I said all the words and stuff.
just in case that'd help
And then afterwards, came out here to this lakeside to *actually* accept Jesus. If I could. Just me and the dizzying night sky, and the gentle sound of the water. It was deeply spiritual in all the right ways.
...
...
Eventually I tried words again, just in case. I asked him to come into my heart. I listened. I apologized for all the things I actually regretted. ... I apologized for the things I didn't like about myself, for
being, broken and wrong, and gross. Not just the guys, or the girl in my head, but all the weird things about my thought process. I was sorry for it. I wanted to be a good son, I had been doing so well up until recently. We all have parts we have to play, we're not supposed to LIKE IT. I could do that! I just needed someone to tell me to... someone who actually mattered. I needed some plan to live for, something to surrender to.
...
...
anyway, that's why I don't believe in that concept of God. Or demons for that matter, because JFC talk about an opening.
Devils and angels, maybe...
But if that God is out there, it rejected me. I don't know why, but I did my best.
Cuz I really, REALLY wanted that comfort. I would have joined a cult to get it, I tried, I had *no* pride left.
anyway it turns out that people can offer comfort, and it's often worth the vulnerability
sometimes they want to be worshiped and let me tell you, it's a lot of fun to worship someone tangible and sympathetic. Someone who values me and also consent. Someone who hears your prayers, someone who cares /j