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[3man75]

So I had a conversation with a trusted friend and he's pointed out some subtle manipulation people have used on me to get ahead.

For example: One guy helped me to in math only to later ask me later "hey man can you do this for me?". I agreed but I felt like a Pack mule and was later kicked out for failing to go to a meeting. One meeting.

At work I thought I had been part time associate. Apparently, I was just seasonal/temporary. Since I'm sure as as heck I was part-time I asked but the manager just said something along the lines of "oh I meant to sit down with you about that but you weren't scheduled.." and "thank you for your service.". That service one still irritates me tbh. Thus job was just retail and I'm only 20 but...ya.


My mom constantly tries to find reasons to not allow me to go where I want despite having a 3.31 out of 4.0 in college. I know it's just a B but come on..My brother never even attempted college or working after high school. Can't I have the Damn car? It's only fair plus he's the one that gets the tickets not me.

Have I been duped or am I over thinking things?

[pisskop]

Confidence.  If you think you are than you subtly give off the appearance of being so.
  You gotta believe in what you want.  You are only worth what you make yourself.
    Try specifically standing up with a straight back, wearing clothes that feel respectable, and trying not to be passive (-aggressive) by actively thinking about your verbal responses to questions.

You could also try setting goals out for yourself on paper and tracking your progress.  Some people do better when they have to track themselves.
  Its ultimately about the work you put into it, and like I tell anyone about anything, 'People will only change when they are ready to.  Some things are only learned by failure and experience.'


EDIT:  Also, nothing good ever happens overnight, and nothing bad ever happened because of any one misstep.  Don't beat yourself up.

[LordBucket]

It's only fair

Fairness has little basis in reality. It's perception. Not everyone sees things the same. The person in your math-help scenario might have perceived the situation as entirely fair from his point of view: he did something for you, you did something for him.  Even if he deliberately did what he did for the specific purpose of extracting a service from you with deliberate intent and forethought, it's possible he might still have seen it as an even exchange. The negative consequences received by you were not his doing. He's not the one who kicked you out.

Nevertheless, you feel you were taken advantage of by this person. And your trusted friend appears to agree. Ok. But it seems to me from your description that all you had to do was say no.

You were not beholden to this person for having helping you in math. You were not purchased. You could have said no. You could have explained why you were saying no: it meant missing a meeting, so maybe a different time.

But you didn't. Why not? Is it because you perceived "fairness" in doing what he asked? He did something for you, so you felt it would be "fair" to do something for him? If you saw it that way, why are you complaining about it?

And if you don't think it was fair, then why did you do it?

Learn to say no.

I felt like a Pack mule

Did you feel like a pack mule because the work was difficult, or because you felt obligated to do it because he'd done something for you? You were not obligated. If you felt obligated, is that his problem?

At work I thought I had been part time associate. Apparently, I was just seasonal/temporary. Since I'm sure as as heck I was part-time I asked but the manager just said something along the lines of "oh I meant to sit down with you about that but you weren't scheduled.." and "thank you for your service.". That service one still irritates me tbh. Thus job was just retail and I'm only 20 but...ya.

This one sounds like a simple miscommunication to me. "Part time" and "seasonal" are not mutually exclusive. You may well have been part time. That doesn't mean you weren't seasonal.

My mom constantly tries to find reasons to not allow me to go where I want despite having a 3.31 out of 4.0 in college. I know it's just a B but come on..My brother never even attempted college or working after high school. Can't I have the Damn car? It's only fair plus he's the one that gets the tickets not me.

...oh, I see. So...because of what you've done, you feel entitled to have the car. Isn't that interesting? Guy helped you with math so you felt obligated to do something for him, because "that's fair." You received good grades so you felt your mother was obligated do so something for you, because "that's fair."

Do you see how it might be your worldview of "fairness" that's at the root of the issue here?

[3man75]

So i'm a good student, never did drugs, and worked at the time. Despite this i couldn't stay past 10:00. I even called her like we agreed and she was still angry with me and called me good for nothing. Maybe i didn't describe the situation very well but your text on fairness/viewpoints was helpful.

I was a packmule because he always had me do his part in Model U.N and i missed a meeting because of other events. I had sent an email to them saying wasn't going to make it and apparently it wasn't accepted. I could count on my fingers how others were allowed to miss tons of meetings because they felt like going to ultra or a rock show. That's what got me peeved but fine.

Learning to say no and how i say it is what i should learn i feel.

[Moogie]

Also, you're 20. You're legally an adult now. Perhaps one of those people you should learn to say "no" to is your mother. You no longer need her approval or permission to do what you want. But if you rely on your parents for things like car use, living arrangements, and/or financial expenses, don't burn this bridge unless you're absolutely ready to support yourself in the real world. And if they're still helping you out, you need to abide by their house rules, adult or not.

[Vector]

But if you rely on your parents for things like car use, living arrangements, and/or financial expenses, don't burn this bridge unless you're absolutely ready to support yourself in the real world. And if they're still helping you out, you need to abide by their house rules, adult or not.

Yeah, this.

[3man75]

So is it a sign of social ineptness that you can't ever get to eat lunch with someone that's not already a friend? Lately it's felt that I can't make new friends and my old friends have just disconnected themselves completely?

[Vector]

So is it a sign of social ineptness that you can't ever get to eat lunch with someone that's not already a friend? Lately it's felt that I can't make new friends and my old friends have just disconnected themselves completely?

People grow apart a lot in their early twenties... it's very common (happened to me! Things started getting better for me around 24). I wouldn't say it's a sign of "social ineptness," but there might be some different ways in which you could express yourself to make a more positive impression. Because your post doesn't say too much, I'd recommend looking for some self-help books on the subject from your local library. I used to think that they were all for losers, but I've found some recently that I like better than the ones I read during the 90s and 00's.

[3man75]

Well thing is my friend has pointed out that quite simply all of the videogames I've played in my life have made me socially awkward. Not super extreme as some may be in my anime club but to the point that making new friends with different interests is hard. Plus my old friends have up and gone in their own adventures.

Another scary thing is that I know by fact that staying alone with thoughts and using the interwebs make you socially awkward. I'm on my phone right now but if anyone is interested you can Google up loads of articles like that from psychology today.