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[Yoink]

Good luck, Spehss, and remember it's not a big deal if she says no.

[Spehss _]

Good luck, Spehss, and remember it's not a big deal if she says no.

She basically said no by not responding at all. Which is totally cool. Not like I would prefer at least getting a "no" or some kind of response. No I'm not bitter. _{^{yes i'm bitter}}

[That Wolf]

Spehss _ dont be disheartened by the no response.
You did send it at 1:30, people can read alot into the time a message is sent, and no response is a no.

Asking in person always gets better results, even if its no you still get to hear an answer. Doing it through text or internet you can be easily ignored.
EVERYONE iv asked on person has said yes, most the people I have asked through impersonal means have said no.
And by focusing on one person can make you see past may more.

Let me fix that for you

And by focusing on one person can make you see past many more other girls that may be expressing interest in you but you are to busy gaining the attention [Reducted girls name]

Why dont you try another girl, she might already be in a relationship. Dont be bitter just realise that people are going to say no. Most the fun is in the hunting, and you never get good at hunting if the food walks up to you lights a fire and prepares itself.
Practice by asking random people out, have fun with them and maybe a girlfriend will find you.

[gimlet]

One thing that helped get my confidence back after a lot of rejections, is that  the rejection is very often nothing to do with YOU.  ("You" being your personality or even looks).  It could be a bad time for her, not in a good mood, already in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship with a specific guy so she's not open right now, etc. 

But my favorite is you just might not smell right - women are especially sensitive to the VNO (Vomeronasal-Organ) and one of the things that it can sense is whether your immune system would match well with hers to produce offspring with a healthy immune system.  Seriously    Nothing you can really do about that, not your fault, move on try again...

[StupidElves]

Alright, I'll do the thing with the telling my friend that I'd be open later but right now I have a thing going on that can easily be broken off due to it being only a few weeks long, but I'd rather wait and see how this one plays out.

[dennislp3]

I find my biggest difficulty when it comes to finding women...is finding women.

My personality type is INTJ

I am EXTREMELY introverted, hate small talk, have high standards (primarily only being attracted to intelligent mature women), and I rarely get out of the house...and when I do it is not to go to some sort of social environment (as that clashes with me so much!)

I am starting a new job soon too...that is a night job. Not sure if that will help or hinder me. I will be working with about 60 other people but it will make my schedule soooo different.

This is all before the whole clamming up and being afraid to ask anyone to go on a date bit...any advice for how to meet a woman that does not include going to a bar/party/etc

[That Wolf]

I find my biggest difficulty when it finding women...is finding women.

My personality type is INTJ

I am EXTREMELY introverted, hate small talk, have high standards (primarily only being attracted to intelligent mature women), and I rarely get out of the house...and when I do it is not to go to some sort of social environment (as that clashes with me so much!)

I am starting a new job soon too...that is a night job. Not sure if that will help or hinder me. I will be working with about 60 other people but it will make my schedule soooo different.

This is all before the whole clamming up and being afraid to ask anyone to go on a date bit...any advice for how to meet a woman that does not include going to a bar/party/etc

I guess one would find others of the same type here.
I know how hard it is to find sombody who understands my ideas and can have intellegent conversations with while at the same time not pissing me off.

This night job you are getting, if it doesnt have an interesting woman in it then it will be hard to find one due to the hours and sleeping at day.
Perhaps going to a hobbies club that you enjoy, you could also meet a mature person through your mature friends.
It is very hard to get into a relationship you want without doing any work, I know because I dont go out socialy much, unless im dragged somewhere.
Yes sometimes it does show up on your doorstep and invite their way into your life, its rare though.
Maybe you could lower your standards? Just look for mature women or intellegent woman.
As far as places to meet a woman away from bars/partys/alcohol. There is no special place where smart mature people congregate, they are as likely to like the same things dumb people do.
So depends on what kind of intellegence you want? Artistic, Scientific, Emotional... etc
Look at it from their perspective and that can help with finding one..
Like hunting, think like an animal, become an animal, know what an animal wants. With patience theres no doubt you will find one.

[dennislp3]

Luckily I have a well of nearly endless patience...at least in most cases.

Unfortunately I am lacking in the friends department...so that hardly helps. I have found the community here to be far more intelligent on average than most places on the net...which is nice.

I am certainly more than willing to be flexible with my standards, and I am not so strict as to reject women who come my way; not without giving them a chance at least. That is a rare occurrence though...especially since I am looking for a local relationship. Long distance relationships have not been kind to me over the years.

I guess all I can really do is keep trying.

[zwei]

Good luck, Spehss, and remember it's not a big deal if she says no.

She basically said no by not responding at all. Which is totally cool. Not like I would prefer at least getting a "no" or some kind of response. No I'm not bitter. _{^{yes i'm bitter}}

it is OKAY.

Having to refuse someone is bad situation - straight basic no is cruel, so she might not want to do that.

Anything less than firm "no" is encouraging suitor to go on pursuing her. Which means that it creating more problems with that suitor down the road.

And of all, there is panic of "Wait ... what ... he want to go on date? Why? How did he get this idea?"

Best action? Nothing at all and hope suitor does not take it too personally.

Lesson? If you look at situation with her eyes she was messaged by creepy person who took her accepting fiends requerst on facebook as sign that she is available to go out with him. What is number 1 advice in that situation? Do not encourage stalker by replying him.

Luckily I have a well of nearly endless patience...at least in most cases.

Unfortunately I am lacking in the friends department...so that hardly helps. I have found the community here to be far more intelligent on average than most places on the net...which is nice.

I am certainly more than willing to be flexible with my standards, and I am not so strict as to reject women who come my way; not without giving them a chance at least. That is a rare occurrence though...especially since I am looking for a local relationship. Long distance relationships have not been kind to me over the years.

I guess all I can really do is keep trying.

1) Do not get too flexible with standarts unless you want to do hooks up for one night. Small thing that are tradeoff for female company in begining will soon become big issues.

2) Why do you have few friends? Is it introversion or straight up assery? I have seen people who value inteligence trying to impress others with their. Which can backfire easily.

3) Good estimation of long distance. There is no point - just do not do that. Even with exceptional women - do not do that.

Mashup of things that helped me:

You likely have interests - act on them. Join local groups. Just avoid the ones with too nerdy atmosphere (I would beware joining SF fandom group for example - too easy to get into arguments that make everyone look bad). Figure out what appeals both to you and women in your demographic and which is unlikely to attract people who will make you uncomfortable.

Take some lessons (languages are great because you will be talking to people and only smarter people will be there, You can try caligraphy or history or somethig along theese lines.).

If you want brainy women, do brainy stuff. Also, get some distance and accept that wast majority of nerd/intj/geek/gamer culture is not really what brainy women consider brainy - and that woman not being into that or even hating it is not stupid.

I have met charming smart older woman throught "comunication and problem solving course" paid by my then employer. As in, 18 years older than me lecturer. So that can happen. Fun times.

You also need practice: You can easily ask out women on adult interest sites (sites where people share amateur nudies that are combined with dating sites). All you need is interesting enough message. Use this purely as practice. Hell, you can find quality escort to learn basics of bedroom date if you want to and get some serious confidence up.

What you need most is practice in social enviroment. That comes before getting practice in dating. You need to be able to go out and have a cofee or dinner without it being big deal or making you anxious.

Talking to strangers, being witty without being asshole, being confortable in crowd... all that is learned skill, and is not closed off for some people.

Read up on etiquete. You can easily be set apart from crowd with that.

Read up some books: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is valuable, but there are others. You likely need it.

Recognizing other people being interested in you and showing yours interest in them is very valuable skill.

Avoid "pickup artist" stuff - it is interesting, but also very misleading and dangerous.

Basically:

1) Opportunity - you need to create opportunities to meet someone.

2) Practice and Skill - you need to be able to use those opportunities.

[Vector]

.

[zwei]

I feel that focusing on label - as a INTJ cbut also other similar labels - is crippling by itself.

It gives one self-perception of being bad in social situations (however it does not automatically lead to being recluse or antisocial)

[dennislp3]

Luckily I have a well of nearly endless patience...at least in most cases.

Unfortunately I am lacking in the friends department...so that hardly helps. I have found the community here to be far more intelligent on average than most places on the net...which is nice.

I am certainly more than willing to be flexible with my standards, and I am not so strict as to reject women who come my way; not without giving them a chance at least. That is a rare occurrence though...especially since I am looking for a local relationship. Long distance relationships have not been kind to me over the years.

I guess all I can really do is keep trying.

1) Do not get too flexible with standarts unless you want to do hooks up for one night. Small thing that are tradeoff for female company in begining will soon become big issues.

If I were willing to really lower my standards none of this would be an issue...luckily I am well aware of the dangers of such things

2) Why do you have few friends? Is it introversion or straight up assery? I have seen people who value inteligence trying to impress others with their. Which can backfire easily.

It is a combination of extreme introversion with the fact that I have not lived in the same area for more than a year for the last 7 years...working on changing that. Not that I can't be an ass...but I don't walk around flaunting my intelligence to impress people...it only impresses people that can respect it (if you go about it right) and annoys everyone else...which means a lot of people.

3) Good estimation of long distance. There is no point - just do not do that. Even with exceptional women - do not do that.

Mashup of things that helped me:

If you want brainy women, do brainy stuff. Also, get some distance and accept that wast majority of nerd/intj/geek/gamer culture is not really what brainy women consider brainy - and that woman not being into that or even hating it is not stupid.

I am well aware of this...people I interact with don't even realize I am a "gamer" until I explicitly tell them. I am not skinny nerd that has trouble with his hygiene because he spends 18 hours a day on WoW

You also need practice: You can easily ask out women on adult interest sites (sites where people share amateur nudies that are combined with dating sites). All you need is interesting enough message. Use this purely as practice. Hell, you can find quality escort to learn basics of bedroom date if you want to and get some serious confidence up.

I am not looking for sex or random relationships....so that definitely isn't happening. Practice is good...but I have no desire to pass myself around in the name of practice

I feel that focusing on label - as a INTJ cbut also other similar labels - is crippling by itself.

It gives one self-perception of being bad in social situations (however it does not automatically lead to being recluse or antisocial)

As for this point...I am not focusing on a label...nor am I using it as a crutch...saying "I am an INTJ" seems like a much easier and direct way to explain my personality than to sit here and try and detail my personality to everyone

[zwei]

.... Practice is good...but I have no desire to pass myself around in the name of practice

Id say overall, you got stuff figured out and have no "big" issue that needs sorting out.

However, you might want to practice. You will make mistakes - you can and will learn from them, but it is better if you do not combine this with girl you are really interested in.

Some mistakes will be ignored or can be funny story later. Other can lead to ignored calls.

If you want better version: ask female friend for mock date. She can give you pointers, tell you if you do something wrong. And you will likely have a good time too :-).

[Antsan]

I am not focusing on a label...nor am I using it as a crutch...saying "I am an INTJ" seems like a much easier and direct way to explain my personality than to sit here and try and detail my personality to everyone

Yes, that can be useful. The important point, however, is that our personalities are flexible. With training you can change who you are. Being an introvert now is not a barrier to not being an introvert a year from now. You'll have to push your boundaries a bit, of course.

[birdy51]

There's a girl.

I like said girl. I'm going to possibly ramble a bit and I should probably be sleeping, but that's ok. Sleep wasn't really coming quickly enough anyways until I get this off my chest.

I first met her about nearly two and a half years ago in a class at college. She is a Music Performance Major like myself, and I was quickly struck by her overwhelming extravertedness. I don't know if that's a word, but I'm making it one. She is one of those people who just seem to know everyone. And if she doesn't know you, she gets to know you. Her ability to quickly form bonds with people is baffling. I admire that about her a lot. It's probably one of the reasons I got to liking her in the first place.

But I really didn't begin to think about it until about a year later. We started to become friends and I began to learn a bit more about her. She teaches kids how to dance, sing, and act at a local studio. Then, her studio started putting on community theater shows and I decided why the hell not. It was through that show and other interactions that we got to know each other a little better. We began to hang out. I found out rather quickly that she is one of those few people who I feel like I can actually talk to.

Let me put it in another way. I am an INFP. I tend to think a lot, and say little. Mostly because I often get the feeling that whatever the hell I'm saying is going to be either rejected or ignored. I type up posts like this one, and then promptly delete them because I really don't know whether it's a good idea or not. If you are reading this, I went through with it. Yay!

She is an ENFP. I know this because I hang out with too many Music Education Majors and one mutual friend is addicted to the system. It was something remarked along the lines of us being nearly identical, save for the fact that she is far more outgoing than I am. FAR MORE OUTGOING. But in spite of that overall outgoingness, I connect with her better than I connect with nearly one else on campus.

I'll say it again. I like this girl. And I'm pretty sure she likes me too.

This last semester, I was finally able to man up and actually ask her on a date. We were both neck deep in a school's production, but we managed to find a day where we could get together and do something small. For better or worse, I figured that with how busy both of us were, it might not be a bad idea to do something relaxing. She and I had a fun time, and we wanted to do something again.

This is where Birdy messed up. The after mentioned show played hell on the both of us. We saw each other often enough. We made little plans, but didn't act on any of them. Eventually, the whole matter of dating just sort of... Dropped. We didn't talk about what we were trying to do. The two of us were still friends, but we never addressed the question of whether we were dating or not. Eventually, it became a fact that we were not dating, simply because we just never talked about it. I never asked her for a second date, even though we were looking into that and months passed. At some point, another guy asked her out and they started dating.

And it sucked. Because I still cared a shit ton about her, but I GAAAAH! There are some things I have issues describing and this would be one of them. I care about her, but I couldn't gather up the nerve to keep things going. And I absolutely should have. There is absolutely no excuse in the world that I should have let her go like that.

Fast forward to now. The girl in question has broken up with her boyfriend about two weeks ago. They're still friends, but it just didn't work out. I was convinced by her to perform in another show with her studio, mostly because I'm a bit floppy like that. The show ended, and we kept in touch. Last day of school, we ended up grabbing a bit of tea. She had to run off to another engagement, so we didn't really get to say goodbye. I'm fairly used to that, since her head is often on constant airport mode. College classes ended on last Thursday, and I went back home.

Today, I get a text saying that a song that she had heard on her radio today made her think of me so she decided to say hi. It was from the Mikado, the song titled "My Object All Sublime". One must worry a bit when a Gilbert and Sullivan song about torture makes one think of you. : P

Regardless, she's currently preparing for her student's show. They've apparently been struggling recently, so I let her vent a bit. They were in a word, choking. The show is this Saturday, and she was worried they may have to cut some music and about how things were falling apart. Having experienced copious pre-recital jitters myself, I gave her some advice on the subject. I stressed the idea of having confidence in them and trusting that they do in fact have the power to sing and dance. I know her well enough to know that she's taught them pretty damn well in spite of her own crazy ass schedule.

And I was right! Apparently, today's practice went pretty damn well and it's helped to keep her significantly more sane.

Now for better or worse, I plan to see that show this Saturday. And I want to ask her out again. There are a few assorted problems with this plan, chief among them being that we live two hours away right now. Secondary issues are with me, as I do not know how to go about these kind of situations. Or at least, I do know what I need to do, but actually doing it is a damn struggle bus from hell.

Anyways, it is late now and I  do need sleep. If you need any clarification on anything, feel free to ask.

Edit: "Screw you!" Says the Mind to the Body, as it cackles with obscene pleasure. "You're not sleeping tonight! We're going over emotions!"