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[smeeprocket]

Okay so this almost sounds like a rhetorical question, but I'm struggling to handle it.

For almost ten years a friend has been "dating" a woman who lives like 1000 miles away. She makes excuses not to move down and really isn't going to. For awhile, I felt like she was stringing him along, but it is past that, he is wholly responsible for anything that happens in the relationship, because she is barely putting any effort into seducing him or anything. He is utterly delusional about the relationship.

I don't expect them to break up, there's nothing I can do about. She is a heroin addict. He spent his inheritance (all of it) putting her through rehab. Her grandmother posted on his facebook wall saying she was still a junky and she didn't consider him a boyfriend and just trying to wake him up, but despite us thinking this would hit him hard, he seemed to be unaffected by it.

Recently, he decided to give her his car because her's broke down. She flew down (I think he paid for it) and the first day she was there everything was fine. The next day she wasn't feeling well and had to stay in bed, and he pampered her. The day after that she was getting sick. So he pressed her for info, and she was going through withdraw from not having heroin.

He ended up paying for some friends to come down here and give her a fix and drive back up with her. They wrecked the car, and she spent some time blaming him for the car not being in top shape and for everything involved in the visit.

He came to my house and begged my boyfriend for $50 because he is utterly and completely broke from her getting money from him. Obviously we said no. He was respectful about that, but psychologically, he is a mess. He said, "I get it now, she hates herself" as if he thought he could fix her.

I really think he is just utterly terrified of being alone, but this is much worse.

He was doing these things with a swinger group, and I thought that might get him away from her, but he has been so severely depressed doing anything like that is not in the cards.

So, I still want to be there for him, because I don't want him to hurt or kill himself. But I'm really tired of hearing about the drama with this girl, and him complaining about how broke he is.

Is there any good way to just be like, don't tell me about this stuff unless you actually need emotional support, because I don't support this, and you are responsible for your own destitution?

I guess that is what I want to say.

[uber pye]

don't tell me about this stuff unless you actually need emotional support, because I don't support this, and you are responsible for your own destitution.

call me blunt, but i think just telling him this would work.

[Illogical_Blox]

Confront him. It may be cruel, but it sounds like the only way. Tell him what you told us.

[pisskop]

Yup.  He may not agree or accept it, but he's not in a position to handle this gal.  I think the long distance between them only makes it easier for him to construct his own illusion.  But go all the way or not at all.  People who are that fervent about their beliefs don't take criticism kindly.

Do you know how often/long they talk to each other?

[smeeprocket]

I've done the confronting already. I've made my feelings clear on the situation. It's not changing anything. That was years ago though. But telling him again doesn't seem like it's going to matter.

[pisskop]

Horses can be led to water, but they don't have to drink.  People have to come into their own sometimes.

You could tell him you will be there to talk to him when he needs it, but you do not approve and will not extend your wallet to further this.

[DemonOfWrath]

Yeah echoing the sentiment that you just have to be blunt with the guy, if it's negatively affecting your relationship with him you need to tell him that and that you don't want to deal with it anymore. It may seem mean but if you're sincere that'll come through and hopefully work out, and maybe, just maybe it may give him the kick in the arse to start realising some of it himself.

[Caz]

Can't help people beyond advice. You'll just piss them off and piss yourself off because you can't change anything. Gotta let life roll.