Oh god, this thread. Time to be debbie downer.
canned foods
Foodborne botulism results from contaminated foodstuffs in which C. botulinum spores have been allowed to germinate and produce botulism toxin,[21] and this typically occurs in canned non-acidic food substances. C. botulinum prefers low oxygen environments, and can therefore grow in canned foods.[21] Botulism is a rare but serious paralytic illness, leading to paralysis that typically starts with the muscles of the face and then spreads towards the limbs.[22] In severe forms, it leads to paralysis of the breathing muscles and causes respiratory failure. In view of this life-threatening complication, all suspected cases of botulism are treated as medical emergencies, and public health officials are usually involved to prevent further cases from the same source.[22]
Yeahhh.... Have fun. Canned goods, while they do last for a while, are like a landmine after some time.
Let me roll down apocalypse scenarios, to explain how fucked we are.
Zombies:Are they fast, are they slow, nobody knows! Hell, zombies could fly and shoot lasers out their ass for all we know. Are there super zombies, a la Left 4 Dead? Who knows? However, this is probably the one we are LEAST hosed in, since zombies are so ingrained into our culture that everyone knows what they are. Worse case scenario is L4D zombies combined with the whole not dying in one shot thing, like most people, if they ceased to have most bodily functions. Also, we could wait them out.
VME, GRB, things that rely on the universe not giving us the middle finger:We are hosed. Nothing we can do.
Large Impact:Hosed, again...
The K–Pg extinction event was severe, global, rapid, and selective. In terms of severity, the event eliminated a vast number of species. Based on marine fossils, it is estimated that 75% or more of all species were wiped out by the K–Pg extinction....
The impact would have caused some of the largest megatsunamis in Earth's history. A cloud of super-heated dust, ash and steam would have spread from the crater as the impactor burrowed underground in less than a second.[24] Excavated material along with pieces of the impactor, ejected out of the atmosphere by the blast, would have been heated to incandescence upon re-entry, broiling the Earth's surface and possibly igniting wildfires; meanwhile, colossal shock waves would have triggered global earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.[25] The emission of dust and particles could have covered the entire surface of the Earth for several years, possibly a decade, creating a harsh environment for living things. The shock production of carbon dioxide caused by the destruction of carbonate rocks would have led to a sudden greenhouse effect.[26] Over a longer period, sunlight would have been blocked from reaching the surface of the earth by the dust particles in the atmosphere, cooling the surface dramatically. Photosynthesis by plants would also have been interrupted, affecting the entire food chain.
So yeah, except those lucky fuckers sitting in a bunker somewhere(and they may get taken out by the shock and earthquakes fucking everywhere on the planet) with a decade of food, we are hosed. This data is based of Chicxulub, the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs.
Nuclear War:A major nuclear exchange would have long-term effects, primarily from the fallout released, and could also lead to a "nuclear winter" that could last for decades, centuries, or even millennia after the initial attack.[1][2] Some analysts claim that with this potential nuclear winter side-effect of a nuclear war almost every human on Earth could starve to death,[3][4]
A 2008 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science found that a nuclear weapons exchange between Pakistan and India using their current arsenals could create a near-global ozone hole, triggering human health problems and causing environmental damage for at least a decade.[34]
Ozone holes for everyone! Seriously, the smallest exchanges screw the surface over. And barring a massive effort to move underground, we need the surface to live.
Supervolcanoes:Although there are only a handful of Quaternary supervolcanoes, supervolcanic eruptions typically cover huge areas with lava and volcanic ash and cause a long-lasting change to weather (such as the triggering of a small ice age) sufficient to threaten species with extinction.
There have been four eruptions at Yellowstone at the past, the lowest having a estimated 1000km
3 of ejecta, and the largest having 2500km
3. Most of the Americas would be hosed. For comparison, let's look at Krakatoa, the largest eruption in human history.
Both Mount Pinatubo in 1991 and Krakatoa in 1883 were VEI-6 with 10 and 25 km3 (2.4 and 6.0 cu mi) DRE, respectively. The death toll recorded by the Dutch authorities in 1883 was 36,417, although some sources put the estimate at more than 120,000 deaths.
In the year following the eruption, average Northern Hemisphere summer temperatures fell by as much as 1.2 °C (2.2 °F).[9] Weather patterns continued to be chaotic for years, and temperatures did not return to normal until 1888.[9] The record rainfall that hit Southern California during the “water year” from July 1883 to June 1884 – Los Angeles received 38.18 inches (969.8 mm) and San Diego 25.97 inches (659.6 mm)[10] – has been attributed to the Krakatoa eruption.
So yeah, multiply the effects of that by forty, and you get a supervolcano. Fun.
All in all, we are fucked for most natural apocalyptic scenarios.