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[hawkeye_de]

So, I'm a pretty introvert. I've no problems with this usually but in my job I'm forced now to work more and more in big working groups, where people discussing and presenting stuff.

Being with several people in a room for hours (and not all are easy going) stresses me a lot....I'm very tired at the evening and my neck muscles are tense.

I do occasionally sports and that helps but of course not during the long meetings.

I think the root cause is that I always think too much....so for example does it make sense what I am saying....do the other colleagues respect me and so on....so more or less negative self-assessment.
I've read in a book about introverts that this is common in this group but I have not found good counter-measures against it, yet :-(

Have other guys here similar issues and maybe some advice ?

[LordBucket]

other guys here similar issues and maybe some advice ?

I think the standard advice is "stop caring about it" but that's not necessarily an easy thing to do. If you want more practical, "implementable" suggestions:

counter-measures

Try:

 * Alcohol
 * Spray-on oxytocin
 * Masturbating
 * Yoga

Some might help, some might not, but they're things to try.

I think the root cause is that I always think too much....so for example does it make sense what I am saying....do the other colleagues respect me and so on....so more or less negative self-assessment

...let me make a shotgun guess here. It's possible it's not that you think too much, but that you thinkat all. A lot of people aren't really engaging in "thought" when they interact with people. The thing that people "do" when they enjoy the company of others is not a "thought" kind of process. Obvious example: sex. Sex is not really about intellectual exchange. If you're busy thinking, you're probably not really enjoying the sex because you're not really focused on the sex part. You're lost in your own mind. You're thinking about it rather than doing it. Even if you happen to be doing it too, while you mostly think about it.

Being with people and enjoying being with people is kind of like that. The other people aren't thinking about you, aren't evaluating you, aren't engaging in lengthy internal debates about you at all. They're focused on and experiencing the act of "having rapport with and people with other people."

And you're not.

Being with people is like being a singe water molecule in a wave. If you focus on "I'm an individual water molecule!" you end up not acting in concert with the rest of the wave. And the wave s bigger than you. It pushes you around. It's a constant struggle, and it's draining. But if you let go of your self, so that instead of "I am a water molecule" it becomes "we are a wave" at that point, you're no longer struggling against the group and you're part of the group. At that point you become an entire wave cooperatively working together, sharing strength> That can be empowering and invigorating. But you don't really get that maintaining your own sense of self.

That's what groups do. They give up their sense of self and become a collective entity, that is bigger and stronger that any of its components. That's why extroverts like being in groups. It makes them bigger, better and stronger than they were.


But not everybody likes giving up their sense of self and becoming part of the group. If that's you, if you're unwilling to give up your personal identity for a short while, or if you're willing but find it personally abhorrent...then simply understand that when working with groups you're one person fighting to maintain your sense of self against a collective group entity taking pleasure in the fact that "we" are doing this rather than "I" am doing this.

And isn't it interesting how you chose to phrase your request:

counter-measures against it

Countermeasures...against it. Thing is, that fighting the loss of identity and becoming the group is a big part of why you find it so draining. It is a fight. It is a struggle. It would stop being a terribly draining struggle if you would give up your sense of self and allow yourself to be absorbed by the group, become part of it.

But that probably sounds horrible to you, doesn't it?

Alcohol helps loosen your inhibitions. Oxytocin does various things, look it up. And remember it's not just for them, it's for you who is wearing it too. Masturbating will drain your energy and make it more difficult to think and resist. And yoga will help you relax and accept what is.

But if joining them isn't what you want, then at least accept the situation. Realize that the group is calling to you, asking you to stop being an individual and join it, not understanding why you would resist and fighting you to give in when you don't. If that's not something you're willing to do, then understand and accept it, and simply choose to weather the storm raging around you. Don't give in, but don't fight it. Be at peace at the heart of the tornado.

Note that if you give up the struggle and maintain your personal identity while the group storms around you...it will know. And it won't understand.

[Helgoland]

Usually I'd second alcohol, but it sounds like you're having trouble in the workplace - alcohol would presumably be quite effective at getting rid of those, but only by getting you fired.
Now I'm a sociable person, I don't have an inside perspective, but there's a couple of things that come to mind:
a) Try to get to know the people you see regularly. It's easier to be with aquaintance than to be with strangers.
b) If a) is not your thing or not possible, develop an inner attitude of not giving a shit. Well, not completely not giving a shit, but considering the others unimportant insofar as their judgements of you are irrelevant.
c) Get some alonetime. Taking half-hour dumps is a good way for that in absence of other possibilities.

[Jafferey]

Would you say that you're nervous/anxious during these meetings?

If so I think you just need to learn to relax and not worry about it.

Take a few deep breaths, tell yourself that noone really cares about what you do or what happens.

Are you nervous around people you're comfortable with? Like your parents, or close friends.

Imagine you're just in a room and these people are like your parents or close friends

 Are you nervous around animals?

Imagine these people are just animals

Are you nervous around plants or on your own?

Just imagine these people are plants or you're on your own.

Are you nervous when you're at home on your computer?

Just imagine you're at home, relaxing, etc.

I think you just need to get used to or get more comfortable around random other people or in these kind of situations.

Going out and doing some other activities where you put yourself in uncomfortable situations similar to this might give you some good practice.

I sort of don't think alcohol is a very good long term solution, I think you need to learn to master yourself a bit, which might be a mixture of thinking about it in the right kind of way, practice, and developing comfort, which might come from experience (going out and doing different kinds of things??)

Having other people tell you they dont care might help too. ie. consoling you. You could tell the people in the meetings how you feel about the situation, and they might try to make you feel better i guess ()

Just throwing some ideas around, hopefully some of the stuff I said works or is useful in some way...

[smeeprocket]

you might have social anxiety disorder to some degree, but really, advice to just get over it helps no one. If that was possible, it would be a nonissue.

I have pretty bad social anxiety disorder and am an introvert.

Some introverts actually enjoy the company of people, but the exchange is draining emotionally. If I am around friends or my parents, I enjoy it, but I feel exhausted and ultimately have to take a xanax to not be a nervous wreck.

Obviously xanax is probably not an available solution. One thing you can do is try therapy. Therapists (not psychiatrists) can help you with ways of mentally handling stressful situations. You don't have to have an anxiety disorder to talk to one, really, they are helpful for anyone.

This kind of thing is something you generally have to stomach though. Removing yourself from these stressful situations will actually make you have a harder time dealing with them, so keeping up with exposure is actually preferable, even though it creates more constant stress.

I used to have severe anxiety attacks just going to the grocery store, but I did it enough where, at least in a few select stores, I could walk around calmly.

[gimlet]

And be prepared - if you know you'll be presenting, for sure prepare well, and maybe even rehearse it before time.   And if you know a meeting will be about a certain topic, review the information you have on your aspects of the issues beforehand.  Confidence in knowing that your material is correct can definitely help you avoid at least anxieties about that in the meetings.

Another thing to consider is to sound out people one-on-one before the meetings, if you know certain issues are likely to come up involving them or to be brought up by them.  That's a lot less stressful than the free for all of a big meeting.  That way you won't be blindsided by stuff, you can give the issues some thought calmly, outside of the chaos of meetings.   And maybe even together work out possible solutions or at least approaches  - then you know at least one other person thinks the ideas aren't completely crazy

And yea, don't go nuts caring too much - you'll make mistakes, other people will make mistakes, bad decisions will be reached in spite of anything you do, life will go on in any case.  Try to step back and consider the bigger picture.  If you screw up, shrug and fix it, try not to beat yourself up too much - easier said than done, but it does get easier with practice...

[hawkeye_de]

some nice insights, guys...thx for that.

Yes, I'll get nervous around a lot of people, especially when I do not know them well...like smeeprocket described it. And alcohol is definitely not an option for me...

I'll have to learn to relax in those situations and yoga might actually be helpful here...

[smeeprocket]

unfortunately, even if it's not due to a major psychological problem, learning to relax is not just a switch you can flip. I wish it was. But yea, the advice to prepare ahead of time and make sure you are well-versed in whatever is going to be going on in the meetings might help some. One on one convos will probably just cause more anxiety.

[Caz]

Make sure you're getting enough rest in other parts of your sleep. Good sleep, good exercise and good food can all help your stress levels. You probably won't ever feel completely relaxed in big meetings but you'll get used to it over time. Remember, everyone there is probably trying to hide the same feelings as you.

Also if you're drinking a lot of coffee/tea, I'd advise to tone it down because that can cause anxiety as well.

[hawkeye_de]

Also if you're drinking a lot of coffee/tea, I'd advise to tone it down because that can cause anxiety as well.

Yup, in former times I've had 5 cups of coffee / day and I've reduced it to one coffee for breakfast. It helps a little...

[Antsan]

I was a big introvert a few years ago and I am still introverted, although not so extremely anymore.

LordBuckets analysis of people in a group is pretty spot on for me. I manage to get around that by mentally not interacting with a group at all. I always try to interact with individuals, even if they understand themselves as part of a group and even if I am in a conversation invovling more than one person. In that case I concentrate on that one person, disregarding all others - it helps to remember that anyone else is either fixated on them, too, or busy with their own stuff. Wen I talk to a group, I pretend to be talking to one of them, the rest only being uninvolved spectators - just as if I were walking down a public street with a friend.
I don't think that any of this is noticable from the outside.