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[4maskwolf]

So, I have a problem right now with a former friend of mine, and I was wondering if you all had any advice on how to deal with it.

Among the many people who used to be friends with me, there is one in particular that I'm having trouble with right now.  The circumstances of us becoming not-friends are somewhat personal, though I'll share them if you all think it is important.  The point is, this person is also friends with most of the other friends I have, to the point where even though we have been doing our best to avoid each other this past calender year we have been forced, this school year, to interact with people in the same vicinity of each other.  This in and of itself isn't a problem, the problem arises when we attempt to talk to each other in any way, or are forced to by circumstances.

Every discussion we seem to have seems to turn into a war, though not one of attacks on each other.  The best way I can describe it is a battle of wits: each of us trying to one-up each other or prove that the other person's statement is wrong.  I don't go into these interactions wanting this to happen, but it does, every single time.  I don't know which of us starts it or if it even matters, but I really wish it didn't happen.  Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this?

I suppose that a clarification of the circumstances of why we aren't friends anymore may be relevant, so I suppose I'll say.  I had romantic feelings towards this person last year and finally worked up the nerve to tell her about it, and it kind of freaked her out.  She is... I guess you could say a sort of sheltered child/non-romantic and took this badly (I intended to just tell her and let her do with it as she would: I expected her to ignore it entirely, flipping out was not the expected reaction).  She eventually decided to talk to me and tell me that she thought we should take a break from being friends, and I agreed: I wanted what would make her happy, even if it meant I was unhappy.

I'm explaining that so that you don't assume that the reason we are combative is that we have some kind of competition that tore us apart as friends: that wasn't happening at all.

Any advice?

Edited because frickin hell I should really stop using gender-vague pronouns when the gender of the person is relevant.

[LordBucket]

Any advice?

Let it go. Emotionally detach from the situation. Stop worrying about it.

Don't be surprised if once you do, her female brain kicks in and immediately wonders why, prompting her come after you. But this is unlikely to happen if you "pretend" to let it go in order to deliberately trick her into coming after you. She'll have a good chance of picking up on it if you do it deliberately. But yeah, if you genuinely let it go and stop worrying about...she'll probably come looking. Don't take advantage of it when she does. That can end badly.

Note that if handled badly, this situation can result in either or both of you becoming messed up for life, in any of a bunch of possible different ways. So whatever you do, I suggest being honest with yourself and with her.

I wanted what would make her happy, even if it meant I was unhappy.

Stop white knighting. Treat people like human beings. That includes you. Making a martyr out of yourself doesn't help anyone. The world is not a better place for you being unhappy just so you can feel good about having used yourself as a stomping stone to boost somebody else.

Every discussion we seem to have seems to turn into a war, though not one of attacks on each other.  The best way I can describe it is a battle of wits: each of us trying to one-up each other or prove that the other person's statement is wrong.  I don't go into these interactions wanting this to happen, but it does, every single time.  I don't know which of us starts it or if it even matters, but I really wish it didn't happen.  Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this?

It takes two to tango. Don't participate. If you find yourself being drawn into battle of this sort, unintentionally and without even understanding how or why it happens, that's a personal failing on your part that can get you into massive amounts of trouble later in life. People don't stop playing mindgames after highschool, and sometimes people don't even realize they're playing mindgames because they're simply acting out behavioral scripts they've been taught. And since you're saying that you "don't know which of you starts it" that means it's possible you might be the one starting fights based on habitual thoughts and emotional patterns. Think very carefully about the implications of that: you're getting into verbal "Wars" as you phrased it, and you don't even know how or why or who's starting them. Do you see how that can be a problem?

Learn to deal with this stuff now. It's harder to live your life when you're running on emotional autopilot.

[~Neri]

Don't engage.

If she oneups you, let her.

Gotta know when to choose your battles.

Ask yourself is it worth the energy?

[4maskwolf]

I wanted what would make her happy, even if it meant I was unhappy.

Stop white knighting. Treat people like human beings. That includes you. Making a martyr out of yourself doesn't help anyone. The world is not a better place for you being unhappy just so you can feel good about having used yourself as a stomping stone to boost somebody else.

That's not what I meant at all, but feel free to interpret it that way.  It doesn't make me feel better to let other people stomp all over me, but I generally do things that will benefit others even if it is not my preferred course of action.

Besides that, thank you for your advice.

Don't engage.

If she oneups you, let her.

Gotta know when to choose your battles.

Ask yourself is it worth the energy?

That's the problem.  It's almost unconscious.  By the time I realize what's going on and back down, it's been going on for at least half a minute.

[Cheeetar]

her female brain

I'm sorry?

[4maskwolf]

her female brain

I'm sorry?

Lolz I slipped straight over that when reading what LB posted.

What is that supposed to mean?

[Orange Wizard]

Cheeetar is doing the Cheeetar vs. Bucket thing that burns threads to the ground. I'm advising that we all ignore the "female brain" line and worry about more important things.

(Also, I just noticed that Cheeetar has three e's. I always thought it was two. Huh.)

...

Anyway, yeah. Seconding the don't-get-emotional-over-it thing that was put forward.

[smeeprocket]

Any advice?

Let it go. Emotionally detach from the situation. Stop worrying about it.

Don't be surprised if once you do, her female brain kicks in and immediately wonders why, prompting her come after you. But this is unlikely to happen if you "pretend" to let it go in order to deliberately trick her into coming after you. She'll have a good chance of picking up on it if you do it deliberately. But yeah, if you genuinely let it go and stop worrying about...she'll probably come looking. Don't take advantage of it when she does. That can end badly.

Note that if handled badly, this situation can result in either or both of you becoming messed up for life, in any of a bunch of possible different ways. So whatever you do, I suggest being honest with yourself and with her.

I wanted what would make her happy, even if it meant I was unhappy.

Stop white knighting. Treat people like human beings. That includes you. Making a martyr out of yourself doesn't help anyone. The world is not a better place for you being unhappy just so you can feel good about having used yourself as a stomping stone to boost somebody else.

Every discussion we seem to have seems to turn into a war, though not one of attacks on each other.  The best way I can describe it is a battle of wits: each of us trying to one-up each other or prove that the other person's statement is wrong.  I don't go into these interactions wanting this to happen, but it does, every single time.  I don't know which of us starts it or if it even matters, but I really wish it didn't happen.  Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this?

It takes two to tango. Don't participate. If you find yourself being drawn into battle of this sort, unintentionally and without even understanding how or why it happens, that's a personal failing on your part that can get you into massive amounts of trouble later in life. People don't stop playing mindgames after highschool, and sometimes people don't even realize they're playing mindgames because they're simply acting out behavioral scripts they've been taught. And since you're saying that you "don't know which of you starts it" that means it's possible you might be the one starting fights based on habitual thoughts and emotional patterns. Think very carefully about the implications of that: you're getting into verbal "Wars" as you phrased it, and you don't even know how or why or who's starting them. Do you see how that can be a problem?

Learn to deal with this stuff now. It's harder to live your life when you're running on emotional autopilot.

"female brain" yes females are an odd creature, they act in a sort of collective way, with predictable responses to stimuli. Just don't mistake them for individual people with actual personalities and a variety of thoughts and desires.

Just be respectful and polite and avoid her if at all possible. Don't slide into the "friend-zone" thing where you feel she is obligated to reciprocate emotions that you have for whatever reason. She really just might want to take a break and handle the uncomfortableness of the whole thing.

I've had guys express interest in me and I've just politely told them no, but sometimes it's more disturbing than that. Some of it is how you approach things. Anyway, that's water under the bridge. She may come around and be friends with you again at some point, if you ease up some.

[4maskwolf]

"female brain" yes females are an odd creature, they act in a sort of collective way, with predictable responses to stimuli. Just don't mistake them for individual people with actual personalities and a variety of thoughts and desires.

Just be respectful and polite and avoid her if at all possible. Don't slide into the "friend-zone" thing where you feel she is obligated to reciprocate emotions that you have for whatever reason. She really just might want to take a break and handle the uncomfortableness of the whole thing.

I've had guys express interest in me and I've just politely told them no, but sometimes it's more disturbing than that. Some of it is how you approach things. Anyway, that's water under the bridge. She may come around and be friends with you again at some point, if you ease up some.

I think some of you are missing the point.

I've moved on from my feelings towards her, I'm trying to get advice on how to avoid these confrontations.  I already attempt to stay away from her as much as possible, but as I have noted this isn't always possible without being rude.

Edit: I'm not just referring to you, LordBucket seems to have thought my question was different as well.

[Graknorke]

Let her win. Unless it's actually important, that's the easiest way to not have the confrontations.

[smeeprocket]

"female brain" yes females are an odd creature, they act in a sort of collective way, with predictable responses to stimuli. Just don't mistake them for individual people with actual personalities and a variety of thoughts and desires.

Just be respectful and polite and avoid her if at all possible. Don't slide into the "friend-zone" thing where you feel she is obligated to reciprocate emotions that you have for whatever reason. She really just might want to take a break and handle the uncomfortableness of the whole thing.

I've had guys express interest in me and I've just politely told them no, but sometimes it's more disturbing than that. Some of it is how you approach things. Anyway, that's water under the bridge. She may come around and be friends with you again at some point, if you ease up some.

I think some of you are missing the point.

I've moved on from my feelings towards her, I'm trying to get advice on how to avoid these confrontations.  I already attempt to stay away from her as much as possible, but as I have noted this isn't always possible without being rude.

Edit: I'm not just referring to you, LordBucket seems to have thought my question was different as well.

moved on as in you don't want to be friends or you are willing to be friends again if the option comes on the table?

Either way, I'd just let her one up you. You will be the bigger person and there's nothing to gain by battling over everything. The problem with becoming hostile to one person in a group of friends is you still have to deal with them if you associate with any mutual friends. And rarely do these mutual friends respect your desire to not associate with the person involved.

People suck and there is no real way to win a situation like this.

[4maskwolf]

moved on as in you don't want to be friends or you are willing to be friends again if the option comes on the table?

At this point I'm not even sure.  Half a year ago I would have said the later, but I'm not sure now.  But that's an entire different discussion that doesn't need to happen.

[LordBucket]

I think some of you are missing the point.

I've moved on from my feelings towards her, I'm trying to get advice on how to avoid these confrontations.  I already attempt to stay away from her as much as possible, but as I have noted this isn't always possible without being rude.

Edit: I'm not just referring to you, LordBucket seems to have thought my question was different as well.

I thought I did answer that: don't participate. "It takes two to tango." If she verbally lashes out at you and you lash back, you're now fighting. If she lashes out at you and you don't lash back, you're not fighting and everybody else watching sees that she's the one lashing out at you.

But, you said that you were drawn into these fights and that you didn't know how or why. You're not consciously choosing to participate or not participate. That's a problem. Like you said in the OP, you don't know who's starting the fights. It might be you who's starting them. You don't know. Again, that's a problem.

Be aware, pay attention, and choose. Don't run on emotional autopilot like an alcoholic blacking out and trying to figure out after the fact what they did and why.

[Caz]

"female brain" yes females are an odd creature, they act in a sort of collective way, with predictable responses to stimuli. Just don't mistake them for individual people with actual personalities and a variety of thoughts and desires.

wtf

Don't be surprised if once you do, her female brain kicks in and immediately wonders why, prompting her come after you. But this is unlikely to happen if you "pretend" to let it go in order to deliberately trick her into coming after you.

...*slowly backs out of thread*

[anzki4]

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