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[Rolepgeek]

Attack their arms?

But then we will end up ruler of the unarmed lands. And since health was simplified, location doesn't really matter. We will attack all their knees! It worked great last time.

They're already guards; we can't force them to retire a second time.

Aim for the stomach, of course; they're wearing helmets, but gutshots tend to be lethal, and I'm not seeing any armor besides the helmets...

[Tawa]

Shopro's arrow flies right past the guards.

Two guards surround you!

Your blade is swiftly parried by the guard's pointy stick.

Two guards surround you!

You're surrounded! Survival is unlikely!

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Meiyo (Lv. 7)
Class: Samurai: A lonesome warrior from the far eastern deserts and mountains. Specializes in swords of all kinds.
Health: |||||||||| 100%

Strength: 1d10
Livelihood: 1d10
Dexterity: 1d6
Intelligence: 1d8
Perception: 1d6
Charisma: 1d8

Skills: Rising Sun: 10% chance of über-attack that heals health.

Inventory
Randolph: The counterpart or something to some sword or other. +1d4 to STR for attacks.
Shopro (Lv. 7)
Class: Archer: combatants as specializing in all kinds of bow. Bad, but nothing else is known about it.
Healthy Whole Like: |||||||||| 100%

Strongth: 1d6
Life: 1d8
Deft: 1d10
Intellectual: 1d8
Recognizing: 1d10
Courageour: 1d6

Skills: Hawk Eyes: Possibilities of hitting an increase of 20%.

Inventory
Shoprbow: Homemade Shopro supply. ...... Just a limp. -1d4 Courageour.
Guard (Lv. 7)
Class: Soldier: A rank-and-file warrior who wields spears. Jack of all trades.
Health: |||||||||| 100%

Strength: 1d8
Livelihood: 1d6
Dexterity: 1d6
Intelligence: 1d8
Perception: 1d10
Charisma: 1d8

Skills: Armored Mook: Loses extra HP on hit, but has an effective +1d6 Livelihood. Granted by Mook Armor.
Defender of the Law: Separate 1d8 chance to block attacks altogether independent from Dexterity.

Inventory
Guardsman's Spear: A boring spear of boringness.
Mook Armor: Grants skill "Armored Mook".
Dog (Lv. 7)
Class: Beast: Much bark! Great strength!
Overall Health: |||||||||| 100%

Strength: 1d12
Livelihood: 1d10
Dexterity: 1d8
Intelligence: 1d4
Perception: 1d8
Charisma: 1d6

Skills: Mark of the Wild: Make a second attack on a critical hit.

Inventory
Dog's Claw: Much scratch! Such cut!

[Stirk]

Shopro isn't good at these close quarters. We should call out a new party member, summoning them behind our enemies so we are surrounding them instead! They will never see it coming! Whistle of Lyeos, our trusty puppy!

[Tawa]

Whistle of Lyeos, our trusty puppy!

Lykos hates you.

We should call out a new party member, summoning them behind our enemies so we are surrounding them instead!

You can have one party member with you at a time. Swap them out at select locations.

This isn't one of those select locations.

[Stirk]

Whistle of Lyeos, our trusty puppy!

Lykos hates you.

We should call out a new party member, summoning them behind our enemies so we are surrounding them instead!

You can have one party member with you at a time. Swap them out at select locations.

This isn't one of those select locations.

I mean NEW Lyeos, the puppy the guard gave us after we chased off that other guy.

Hmmm.....Have Shopro offer a time out using his amazing Charisma stat, then move the fight to one of those select locations to give us the advantage!

[Tawa]

[Shopro 4 vs. Guard 3]

Shopro very nearly convinces the guard to let you leave...

[Shopro 4 vs. Guard 8]

...but suddenly a particularly charismatic guard interjects.

"What? You want to bring the fight out to some castle in the middle of nowhere? What do you think we're smoking?! C'mon, you're coming to the prison."





SHOPRO: They have charged a man of Mr. warrior with?
MEIYO: They're charging us with attempted hostile takeovers of the first degree, attempted murder of the first degree, and accidentally stepping on a kitten on our way here.
SHOPRO: Who is Dan ... lawyer? Do we have a man of correct bird? People of God of the law? God woman of law? Man of the sword of money?
MEIYO: ...

[Hire an ace attorney]
[Hire an OK attorney]
[Bribe the prosecutor]
[Defend yourself]

[Stirk]

We will defend ourselves! We are broke except or owning a castle, and this worked last time!

((...You just wanted to do another Ace Attorney parody, didn't you?))

We will take over this country later. Using our expert recruitment skills, and possibly pickup lines.

[Tawa]

((Maaaaybe. Ok, fine, yes.

There's also the logical follow-up to attempting to take over a city with two men.))

[Stirk]

((Maaaaybe. Ok, fine, yes.

There's also the logical follow-up to attempting to take over a city with two men.))

((Technically we have three men and a dog. They just cheated by having four guards. Everyone knows it is easy to take over a town yourself! Haven't you played the newest version of Dwarf Fortress in adventure mode? You just stroll in, declare yourself ruler, then punch the king and the place is yours!))

[Tawa]

"The defense is ready, your honor!"



"Mr. Senshi. I am afraid I will not be so lenient this time. Prosecution?"



"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor."



"And... you are...? And why is the courtroom darker over there?"



"I am... Prosecutor Samuel Beckett-Watterson. And this stuff I'm holding is varnish, which I just varnished the wall with."



"Anyway. You, defense attorney. You're charged with trying to kill people and actually killing a cat. I present the defense's shoe as evidence to him stepping on the cat. Four guards will now testify about your armed assault on the town."

Cross-Examination


CONSPIE: "I SEEN IT! I SEEN THEM!"
WALL: "..."
BATMAN: "I'm Batman. I also arrested that guy."
LEO G.: "I wanna be a pie!"

[Stirk]

Man, these guys are good! We will have to be clever with this.

Ask the witnesses why the wall behind them is also a different color. Did they varnish it themselves?

[birdy51]

Question the witnesses mental integrity. Leo G in particular is looking a bit shaky.

Break him.

[Tawa]

"YOU SEE THIS? I'M GOING TO SNAP HIS HEAD OFF IF YOU DON'T TALK, LEO!"


"AHHHHH! FINE! I FRAMED YOU! I FRAMED YOU FOR ALL OF IT! JUST DON'T KILL HIM!"


BATMAN: "Dude, don't you remember? We arrest--"
LEO G.: "SHADDUP SHADDUP SHADDUP NO WE DIDN'T YOU ARRESTED ME REMEMBER"


"N... naaaghhh! This isn't how it was supposed to happen! MY... PERFECT... RECORD... FUSION BLASTER ARM! GO!"

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Meiyo (Lv. 7)
Class: Samurai: A lonesome warrior from the far eastern deserts and mountains. Specializes in swords of all kinds.
Health: |||||||||| 100%

Strength: 1d10
Livelihood: 1d10
Dexterity: 1d6
Intelligence: 1d8
Perception: 1d6
Charisma: 1d8

Skills: Rising Sun: 10% chance of über-attack that heals health.

Inventory
Shopro (Lv. 7)
Class: Archer: combatants as specializing in all kinds of bow. Bad, but nothing else is known about it.
Healthy Whole Like: |||||||||| 100%

Strongth: 1d6
Life: 1d8
Deft: 1d10
Intellectual: 1d8
Recognizing: 1d10
Courageour: 1d6

Skills: Hawk Eyes: Possibilities of hitting an increase of 20%.

Inventory
Guard (Lv. 7)
Class: Soldier: A rank-and-file warrior who wields spears. Jack of all trades.
Health: |||||||||| 100%

Strength: 1d8
Livelihood: 1d6
Dexterity: 1d6
Intelligence: 1d8
Perception: 1d10
Charisma: 1d8

Skills: Armored Mook: Loses extra HP on hit, but has an effective +1d6 Livelihood. Granted by Mook Armor.
Defender of the Law: Separate 1d8 chance to block attacks altogether independent from Dexterity.

Inventory
Guardsman's Spear: A boring spear of boringness.
Mook Armor: Grants skill "Armored Mook".
Dog (Lv. 7)
Class: Beast: Much bark! Great strength!
Overall Health: |||||||||| 100%

Strength: 1d12
Livelihood: 1d10
Dexterity: 1d8
Intelligence: 1d4
Perception: 1d8
Charisma: 1d6

Skills: Mark of the Wild: Make a second attack on a critical hit.

Inventory
Dog's Claw: Much scratch! Such cut!

[mastahcheese]

Did we just lose?

[Tawa]

You would've gotten another parody death screen if you did, so no. Not yet.