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[Shook]

So, hey guys, once again i find myself dealing with some anxiety.
About what? Well, my inevitable journey into the "real world", as it could be called. Outside every other safety bubble than the one i have to erect myself. But unfortunately, erecting such a bubble requires an income of sorts, and by proxy, an occupation. (because honestly i don't think anyone would just give money to me for no particular reason)

Now, i have wangsted about this before, i think, but that was a bit more specific in nature. See, when i think about the real world in objective terms, i think of a cold, cruel and unforgiving place, even here in Denmark, which has ludicrously good conditions for the unfortunate. Society wants me to find a hole and fit the fuck in it, and it expects me to know exactly what my particular shape in that catalogue is.

This isn't ENTIRELY wrong; i do have a general idea of my shape and desired hole, but that shape is rather awkward and formless. I don't feel like i've seen any hole that i can actually fit in, and that bothers me somewhat. Now, i'd personally be fine with being that odd shape that doesn't quite fit in anywhere, because i am a self-proclaimed excentric, but unfortunately, it doesn't really feel like there's room for the odd shapes outside of the holes. If you don't fit in, you're either gonna shave off some corners or you're shit outta luck. That's a rather nasty feeling, bordering on hopelessness, because i know that the material of my particular shape is extremely difficult to work with.

What this means is that if i do find something that i actually enjoy doing, i can easily immerse myself and usually get fairly good at it (bear with me for the self-glorifying terms, i don't enjoy speaking like that). On the other hand, over the 22 years i've lived, i seem to have developed an alarmingly extreme aversion to things that i don't care for. It's seriously interfering with my studying, because homework is one of the things in the world i care the least for. Whenever others urge me to do such things that i don't care for at all, i get extremely annoyed, and the burning question "WHY?" flares up in my mind, overriding nearly everything else, and it's never answered properly. Now, my dear mother, as much as i love her, doesn't really seem to understand how powerful this feeling is. It's not one that can be overcome with thoughts such as "i'll need this later" or "i just have to do it because they know better". That's a bit like bringing a bucket of water to a firestorm.

Therefore, it is extremely important to me that i find an occupation that i at least do care for, and will keep doing so. Problem is, i hear all this talk that without a degree in something, i'm not going to get a job that isn't monkey labour. Another problem is, it is extremely unlikely that there is a degree out there that doesn't involve at least one class that i don't care for. Those two problems form a problem², and that's a very very nasty problem.

"Pull yourself together and tank through it", you say? I WISH it was that simple. Doing homework on regular weekdays is appalling, and doing it in the weekends is bordering the unthinkable. It's just not valid in my head. Don't do homework, then? If only. University studies don't work like that, even though this particular one has a shockingly low amount of papers that need turning in. There's still a curriculum to be read, problems to be solved and experiments to be made (i am usually okay with experiments). If i show up for all classes and manage to be attentive, it is possible for me to complete such a course. IF. Getting up at 7am usually means a very tired me, and a very tired me is unable to stay focused for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. Lectures are 45 minutes long, so that means i fail to catch maybe half the info that's thrown at me with reckless abandon. That's a LOT of lost info, and how does one make up for that? Yup, homework. And there's barely a snowflakes chance in hell that i'll ever do the homework if i can't immediately see a use for the subject at hand.

So, what really bothers me here is how unflexible i perceive this whole business to be. Note the word "perceive", because objectively, it is quite flexible; ideally you just have to read these things and solve these problems before exams hit. I don't perceive it as so because of how my mind apparently works. In the unobtainable utopian world, i'd be able to opt out of classes i don't care for, and possibly select ones i do care for instead. In that world, i also would be able to pick and choose WHEN i had lectures (which essentially means any time that isn't before 10am), and the lecturer would make small breaks every 20th minute or so. Now obviously, that's the blue pill answer, because the educational system of the red pill is FAR too fixated on cramming students through the machine at a blistering rate, giving very little regard to how the students actually feel in the process. Sickness-inducing levels of stress are a shockingly common occurrence in students, and i am NOT okay with that, but it is beyond my power to change.

See, i'd love to take things at my own pace, which is kind of sinuous. Sometimes i work in a ridiculously fast and determined manner, other times i don't work at all. It tends to shift somewhat suddenly between the two. University requires me to be in ridiculously fast-mode all the time, and i simply don't have the mental resources for that. I buckle under stress easily, and studying is essentially one long pile of stress.

And oh me oh my, even if i were to actually get a degree in information technology, what comes afterwards scares the bejeezus out of me, largely because my future in my own mind is a blank fog. I do have an idea of the kind of person i want to be, but i have no real dreams about what i want to be doing. I haven't tried enough things to know what i truly want, and it's extremely difficult to actually try things out at the rate i want to. At the moment, i have to slog through an entire semester to find out if i like the next set of classes, and most job offers are either menial labour or things i won't ever be qualified for, and everything else that i CAN try is mostly hobby stuff that is only going to cost me money.

One thing i do know is that i love to do creative things, to make things how i want them, to express my thoughts out into the world. I've tried that out, and i love it. Unfortunately, society doesn't have an awful lot of holes for people like that, and the holes that are there are LARGE, making them almost impossible to fill out. Hell, i can't even imagine how the things i'm learning at this study would land me a job, even though they say there's plenty of jobs to be found.

Long story short, i don't feel like i'm a viable build for this world. I don't feel like there's room for me if i can't chop off my arms to fit in, i don't feel like there's a hole to my shape, and all those other metaphors for feeling like there's no need for a guy like me in the world*. I feel more like the world needs to accept my existence like a funny beetle in a jar, and keep me there because it's not bothered by my existence and it can't be arsed to throw me out.

Is the real world really that much of a scary asshole, or am i being too pessimistic? And on the note, am i the only one with such an aversion to undesirable activities? ... Am i the only one who has problems finding his place in this world? Pardon the text wall, it needed to be written.

* Suspiciously specific denial time: i am NOT suicidal, it'd be rude as fuck and i still like living way too much to even consider the easy way out.

[LordBucket]

text wall

What do you want to do? You never quite got around to addressing that.

Is the real world really that much of a scary asshole

Depends.

am i the only one with such an aversion to undesirable activities?

No.

, or am i being too pessimistic?

I would say you're engaging in unfocused stream of consciousness babbling. Pessimism doesn't figure into it. Again, what do you want to do? Until you answer that question, the answer to most of your text wall is: "Oh? Right. Uh-huh. Ok. Yeah. Mmm-hm." etc.

If you just want to talk and have people listen, ok. I read your post. If you want answers...you need to ask more coherent questions.

[Vector]

.

[Playergamer]

I'm going to try and answer what I saw in there, despite the actual primal terror that stirred in my heart when I saw that wall of text.

Focus on the little bits. Forrest Gump it. You aren't getting through years of homework, and years of stress. You've just got to do this one paper, and then if you have the time, do this next one. There might be problems with that, but it's probably less stressful then just powering through years of homework.

Try to condition yourself to hate homework less. Basically, give yourself a reward when you finish homework, so that the reward and the homework become intertwined in your mind. I'm not a psychologist, but that should help a bit, and if it doesn't, you got to give yourself stuff for doing homework.

[Moogie]

I have just the same "no hole that fits me" problem. Tried all sorts of things. I've had all sorts of hobbies. I'll be into something for 1-2 months, get good, and then lose interest. There is nothing I want to do, as a career, for the rest of my life. I know; I've checked.

You seem like a decent writer. Ever thought about writing? Plug yourself into one of those ill-fitting holes just to keep life going, but leave enough time and energy to write stuff. Doesn't matter if you think you're any good or not; I've seen some GOD-awful published authors, so it's not like the bar is particularly high. This is the answer I came up with for myself. But hey, I'm sure I'll get bored of writing too, so what the hell do I know.

Ultimately, life's about being happy. You don't have to have a "career" in the traditional sense. Play it smart with your expenses and living arrangements, and you can have a shitty job and still be in a decent position to pursue something you actually enjoy. The balance there is important; just being in a shitty job will make you feel shitty, so you need the other to stay sane.

[Antsan]

am i the only one with such an aversion to undesirable activities?

Nope. I know what that feels like. Teachers always told me how much puhtenshal I had

What you could do (if you aren't politically opposed) is to search for alternative living projects. Not everyone is fit for those as they are mostly focused as living as a group. This can, for instance, mean that you won't have your own money but need to share it with everyone else. It can also mean that your private space is rather small. It probably also means that you'll have to spend a lot of time (or rather: more time than usual for most people) organizing your social life there. I don't know, I only know three of those and all three are pretty different from each other.
Also not everyone is accepted into such groups. Accepting anyone who's nice enough doesn't really work - being willing to take responsibility for your social surroundings is absolutely necessary. Sharing your money with everyone else (not every project does this - others have a shared account with fixed monthly pocket money or no shared money at all or whatever works for them) doesn't work if you don't trust each other or people take advantage or aren't "in the loop" and thus do irresponsible stuff accidentally.

Living in such a project of course doesn't meant automatically that you won't need to earn money. I think it just alleviates a great deal of the stress you are subject to (if you don't mind the downsides so much) in a working environment and also gives you additional social security if it works. The risk is, of course, that the project doesn't work out for whatever reason.

Trying that might be an option for you. The society around us is not as homogenous as it is often made out to be and alternate living spaces exist.

(Sorry, no spell check installed here, I hope it's not too bad)

[Shook]

I'm just going to sort my responses here into spoilers, so as to make it look a bit less intimidating. In any case, thanks for letting me ramble into your faces, because this is helping me put my mind at ease as well as gather ammo for my next session of therapy. Note that none of these responses are private, it just looks like a giant wall of death in the preview if the spoiler tags aren't there.

Spoiler: LordBucket (click to show/hide)

What do you want to do? You never quite got around to addressing that.

I did mention it briefly:

I do have an idea of the kind of person i want to be, but i have no real dreams about what i want to be doing.

If i actually had an answer to that question, then that would make most of my anxiety vanish. It's one of the root causes, really. All the major life goals i have in my mind are vague and nebulous, and not really something that one can set after with burning determination.

Depends.

On what?

I would say you're engaging in unfocused stream of consciousness babbling. Pessimism doesn't figure into it. Again, what do you want to do? Until you answer that question, the answer to most of your text wall is: "Oh? Right. Uh-huh. Ok. Yeah. Mmm-hm." etc.

If you just want to talk and have people listen, ok. I read your post. If you want answers...you need to ask more coherent questions.

If i had more coherent questions, i'd be showering you with them while looking for the answers myself. I'm glad you took the time to actually read that gigantic whale of a post, because as rambly as it may be, it's kind of a coping mechanism for the anxiety and a tool for getting my thoughts in order (it really is rather messy in my thoughtpool). I just... Want people to understand my predicament (first world problems yadda yadda), because it's painfully obvious that my mom (who's the most vocal and involved of the two parents) neither understands nor makes any effort to do so. She often says "you're not different from the rest of us" in an admittedly more positive tone than i make it sound, and although it might be right in some senses in that i am very much a human, i've always felt like i AM different, somehow. Not like i was a different creature or anything, just that i'm different inside, and i don't mean physically (where i actually am SLIGHTLY different due to having IBS). Recently, i've begun wondering if this is some kind of disorder, but i don't know what that would be. We've already ruled out things like Aspergers and ADHD, and i don't believe i'm suffering from something as serious as schizophrenia. I believe the classic answer would be to say that i suffer from the human condition, but that's just insufficient to me.

Spoiler: Vector (click to show/hide)

Indeed, in the scary world we sometimes have to do things we don't want in order to get to something that we do want. The trick is to minimize those Do Not Want moments, but to accept them when you can't do anything else.

I do realize that there are going to be things i don't want, but as it is with me and many less than ideal facts of life, i have a very hard time accepting that. Call me stubborn and naïve if you will, but i keep hoping and believing there to be a way around such things, even though there might not be.

Spoiler: Playergamer (click to show/hide)

I'm going to try and answer what I saw in there, despite the actual primal terror that stirred in my heart when I saw that wall of text.

Focus on the little bits. Forrest Gump it. You aren't getting through years of homework, and years of stress. You've just got to do this one paper, and then if you have the time, do this next one. There might be problems with that, but it's probably less stressful then just powering through years of homework.

Try to condition yourself to hate homework less. Basically, give yourself a reward when you finish homework, so that the reward and the homework become intertwined in your mind. I'm not a psychologist, but that should help a bit, and if it doesn't, you got to give yourself stuff for doing homework.

Hahah, apologies for the Old One-tier wall of text, i just have to finish rambling once i get going on it.
Anyhoo, focusing on the little bits would possibly be viable in terms of managing stress, but the problem here is that i have severe motivational issues with even singular educational tasks at home. If i fail to do such a thing, it gets dumped in the "gotta do this before exam" pile, which only serves to stress me out with its existence. So why not just do things immediately before they pile up? Well... That's where the aforementioned aversion comes in.

Successfully conditioning myself to not hate homework as much would be great, but it has been LUDICROUSLY hard, since it probably stems from being tired of being in the educational system. I've been in there for what, 17 years now? I began disliking homework already after the first few years (i'm pretty sure most kids dislike homework, though), and it has only gotten worse since then. It's not just that making it difficult though, i have an annoyingly "resistive" personality that really doesn't want to change, especially if the change involves hardships. It's like "i COULD reward myself after doing the homework, but i could also just don't do it and reward myself anyways". Lack of discipline, i guess.

Spoiler: Moogie (click to show/hide)

I have just the same "no hole that fits me" problem. Tried all sorts of things. I've had all sorts of hobbies. I'll be into something for 1-2 months, get good, and then lose interest. There is nothing I want to do, as a career, for the rest of my life. I know; I've checked.

You seem like a decent writer. Ever thought about writing? Plug yourself into one of those ill-fitting holes just to keep life going, but leave enough time and energy to write stuff. Doesn't matter if you think you're any good or not; I've seen some GOD-awful published authors, so it's not like the bar is particularly high. This is the answer I came up with for myself. But hey, I'm sure I'll get bored of writing too, so what the hell do I know.

Ultimately, life's about being happy. You don't have to have a "career" in the traditional sense. Play it smart with your expenses and living arrangements, and you can have a shitty job and still be in a decent position to pursue something you actually enjoy. The balance there is important; just being in a shitty job will make you feel shitty, so you need the other to stay sane.

I'm fortunately not one of those people who are obsessed with careers, i just (realistically speaking) want an okay job so i can keep goofing around in my spare time. I'd love it if my job title could actually be Professional Goofball, but i don't think that even exists. A job that's okay would imply it not being soul-crushing, as well as it leaving me with enough spare time for myself to be happy. An even better job would be one where goofing around is beneficial, or at least not detrimental. I would actually like to entertain others, but supposedly that's a rather harsh business, and i'm a rather shy individual who's extremely sensitive to rejection. In fact, this constant war between pros and cons is also one of the things that are hindering me from setting a definite goal.

I'm glad you think i seem like a decent writer, because i have in fact considered writing (and i have written some things, even). I just don't know WHAT i'd be writing, or for whom i'd do it. Myself? Yeah sure, but i can't pay myself. It always loops back to the money; not because i'm a money whore, but because i need it to keep things going. I suppose i could go out and live as a hunter-gatherer, but that doesn't exactly leave much time for other things, nor do i believe myself to be capable of living like that.

Spoiler: Antsan (click to show/hide)

am i the only one with such an aversion to undesirable activities?

Nope. I know what that feels like. Teachers always told me how much puhtenshal I had

What you could do (if you aren't politically opposed) is to search for alternative living projects. Not everyone is fit for those as they are mostly focused as living as a group. This can, for instance, mean that you won't have your own money but need to share it with everyone else. It can also mean that your private space is rather small. It probably also means that you'll have to spend a lot of time (or rather: more time than usual for most people) organizing your social life there. I don't know, I only know three of those and all three are pretty different from each other.
Also not everyone is accepted into such groups. Accepting anyone who's nice enough doesn't really work - being willing to take responsibility for your social surroundings is absolutely necessary. Sharing your money with everyone else (not every project does this - others have a shared account with fixed monthly pocket money or no shared money at all or whatever works for them) doesn't work if you don't trust each other or people take advantage or aren't "in the loop" and thus do irresponsible stuff accidentally.

Living in such a project of course doesn't meant automatically that you won't need to earn money. I think it just alleviates a great deal of the stress you are subject to (if you don't mind the downsides so much) in a working environment and also gives you additional social security if it works. The risk is, of course, that the project doesn't work out for whatever reason.

Trying that might be an option for you. The society around us is not as homogenous as it is often made out to be and alternate living spaces exist.

(Sorry, no spell check installed here, I hope it's not too bad)

I've never heard of such a thing, at least not in Denmark. Although i'm not politically opposed to live with others, i would also like to prove to myself that i can stand on my own legs. Depending on others and having others depend on me is a bit opposite to that, and in general i'm not the best team player around. I'm frequently lazy and unstructured, and am shockingly bad at staying informed about events, all of which probably aren't desirable in a group living project.

[Antsan]

I've never heard of such a thing, at least not in Denmark

Dammit, I heard of such a thing in Denmark, I am quite sure... It was in relation to cannabis and how there was a community in some major city (Kopenhagen maybe?) where the police was accepting them growing and using weed although it's illegal there?

Although i'm not politically opposed to live with others, i would also like to prove to myself that i can stand on my own legs. Depending on others and having others depend on me is a bit opposite to that, and in general i'm not the best team player around. I'm frequently lazy and unstructured, and am shockingly bad at staying informed about events, all of which probably aren't desirable in a group living project.

I'm actually not quite sure whether those are problems if you've got other qualities to help you live in such an environment.
In one community I know about you have to live two weeks to figure out whether you fit in before moving in permanently, no commitments n'stuff - put another way, when they have space available and you don't seem like an asshole you can, in a way, try out whether this s the kind of life you'd want to live. I guess other projects would operate similarly (although in a more rural area you'd probably spend a year instead of a few weeks in limbo, with being dependent on the seasons and such things), as just having this as a yes-or-no thing would be quite risky for everyone involved, so... uhm... Yeah, I don't know. I definitely know very unstructured and simultaneously extremely lazy people who live just fine in such a project, so, uhm, if you think this might be an option and you are just unsure whether you are fit for it, I say give it a try if you get the chance. You can still drop out if it's not for you.

Uhm, I realize I might come across as being pushy. That probably isn't even far from the truth (I adore these projects and hope that society in general moves into that direction) but I also want to really help you and this seems to be one solution that at least deals with the problems you are describing here (I think), so...
Ach, in the end you'll take what you need and ignore what you don't - as far as I've seen you act here you're independent enough to deal with that kind of stuff.


[Edit]
I actually pondered a few times whether I should open a topic like this. I just always expected an answer along the lines "Pull yourself together, grow up, life's no pony farm", so I never worked up the guts to actually do it. So, thank you.

[Il Palazzo]

Pull yourself together, grow up, life's no pony farm!

[scriver]

Alexandria, Copenhagen. Last I heard they were bulldozing the whole neighbourhood dye to organised crime and human trafficking having become too much of a problem - but I haven't been actively following it. I'm not sure why you would conflate "legal drugs" to any kind if project like you described, however. Although I'm sure such projects existed in in Alexandria too.

But yeah, shook, there's bound to be lots of "alternative living" projects in Denmark, Norway and Sweden if you wish to look for them. Buncha dirty hippies if you ask me.

[Antsan]

Alexandria, Copenhagen. Last I heard they were bulldozing the whole neighbourhood dye to organised crime and human trafficking having become too much of a problem - but I haven't been actively following it. I'm not sure why you would conflate "legal drugs" to any kind if project like you described, however. Although I'm sure such projects existed in in Alexandria too.

It's not so much the "legal drugs" part but more the "buncha dirty hippies" living together. Seen pictures and such things and extrapolated from there.
It's a shame to hear about "human trafficking" and "organized crime" in relation to this. Dammit.

But yeah, shook, there's bound to be lots of "alternative living" projects in Denmark, Norway and Sweden if you wish to look for them. Buncha dirty hippies if you ask me.

Yeah, "buncha dirty hippies" is pretty spot on (the ones I know are mostly seen as punks and call each other "dirty hippies" when they're in the mood to joke around).
It's the crowd I roll with. Look at my profile picture and signature, I thought they would be telling.

[scriver]

It was a joke. I'm Swedish.

[Meph]

I skimmed the thread, but just my 2 cents: People are super friendly, the world is nice, and exciting and its a great time to be alive. You can do almost anything you want, if you are only aware of your options.

Source: Personal experience. I travelled many years round the world, had a good look at most places.

Edit: PS: Now I read everything. You dont seem to like university. Did you try not going to university, but doing something else? As someone else stated, you dont need a career to be happy. You dont need a degree to get a job, you dont necessarily need a job to get money, and you dont need money to be happy. At least not in such quantities that it would require some form of highly-paid, university-degree-only job.

Bottom line: You are anxious because you dont know what to do, while doing something you dont want to do. Solution: Stop doing that, focus on finding out what you want to do. Take a year off from uni, do something that you like. (If you lack the money, even a 4h a day job would be enough to try, that leaves 20h a day for yourself.)

[Shook]

I skimmed the thread, but just my 2 cents: People are super friendly, the world is nice, and exciting and its a great time to be alive. You can do almost anything you want, if you are only aware of your options.

Source: Personal experience. I travelled many years round the world, had a good look at most places.

Edit: PS: Now I read everything. You dont seem to like university. Did you try not going to university, but doing something else? As someone else stated, you dont need a career to be happy. You dont need a degree to get a job, you dont necessarily need a job to get money, and you dont need money to be happy. At least not in such quantities that it would require some form of highly-paid, university-degree-only job.

Bottom line: You are anxious because you dont know what to do, while doing something you dont want to do. Solution: Stop doing that, focus on finding out what you want to do. Take a year off from uni, do something that you like. (If you lack the money, even a 4h a day job would be enough to try, that leaves 20h a day for yourself.)

Good to hear that the inhabitants of the world are generally nice. That has also been my experience with people at or above my own age post elementary school, although obviously there are still a few dickbutts out there. Right now though, my life is devoid of dickbutts, and for that i am grateful.

It's partially true that i don't like university; there are some cool classes in it, but i still see it as more of a necessity than me voluntarily doing things to better myself and my life. The problem right now is that i've only just begun studying, and it's a bit early to call it off. Even if i were to take a full year break, i wouldn't know what things to try out.

In fact, i have had a half-year break from university, but that was mainly to unwind after nearly breaking down due to stress. I didn't do a lot in that half year; the only thing i learned is that i don't want to spend my days working as a warehouse monkey. As you say, one merely needs to be aware of ones options, and well... I'm not the most aware person on this planet. I've had a pretty much binary concept hammered into my head with a chisel: Get a degree and have a nice life, or don't get a degree and have a bad one. Although the conscious side of me does know that it isn't as black and white as that, it doesn't really know how to explore the shades of grey. I don't know how i'd seek people out about the things i actually enjoy doing, and frankly, i'm not sure i'd have the balls to do it even if i did know. At least, not as long as i live with my parents. It's a bit difficult to explain, but openly doing the things i would like to do triggers feelings of shyness in me, as if i have to introduce myself as a new person to the ones i've known all my life.

Problem with that is, it's ungodly difficult to get an apartment in this particular city, likely due to the university drawing in a host of students. Even THEN, the few job offers i've seen around here (beyond substituting for a particular warehouse) were all for kids at the age 15-17, likely because the particular employers are cheap assholes (if you're below 18 then the minimum wage is much lower). For now, i think i'm going to try giving this new study a shot, because it does have more potential for enjoyment than the last one.

You absolutely nailed a huge part of what causes my anxiety, though; "You are anxious because you dont know what to do, while doing something you dont want to do." is shockingly true.

I've never heard of such a thing, at least not in Denmark

Dammit, I heard of such a thing in Denmark, I am quite sure... It was in relation to cannabis and how there was a community in some major city (Kopenhagen maybe?) where the police was accepting them growing and using weed although it's illegal there?

Although i'm not politically opposed to live with others, i would also like to prove to myself that i can stand on my own legs. Depending on others and having others depend on me is a bit opposite to that, and in general i'm not the best team player around. I'm frequently lazy and unstructured, and am shockingly bad at staying informed about events, all of which probably aren't desirable in a group living project.

I'm actually not quite sure whether those are problems if you've got other qualities to help you live in such an environment.
In one community I know about you have to live two weeks to figure out whether you fit in before moving in permanently, no commitments n'stuff - put another way, when they have space available and you don't seem like an asshole you can, in a way, try out whether this s the kind of life you'd want to live. I guess other projects would operate similarly (although in a more rural area you'd probably spend a year instead of a few weeks in limbo, with being dependent on the seasons and such things), as just having this as a yes-or-no thing would be quite risky for everyone involved, so... uhm... Yeah, I don't know. I definitely know very unstructured and simultaneously extremely lazy people who live just fine in such a project, so, uhm, if you think this might be an option and you are just unsure whether you are fit for it, I say give it a try if you get the chance. You can still drop out if it's not for you.

Uhm, I realize I might come across as being pushy. That probably isn't even far from the truth (I adore these projects and hope that society in general moves into that direction) but I also want to really help you and this seems to be one solution that at least deals with the problems you are describing here (I think), so...
Ach, in the end you'll take what you need and ignore what you don't - as far as I've seen you act here you're independent enough to deal with that kind of stuff.


[Edit]
I actually pondered a few times whether I should open a topic like this. I just always expected an answer along the lines "Pull yourself together, grow up, life's no pony farm", so I never worked up the guts to actually do it. So, thank you.

Heh, you're welcome. :v
Also, don't worry about being pushy, i totally appreciate what you're doing. I think the reason behind why i haven't heard of such things is that i haven't looked for them. I'll definitely keep it in mind though, should i find myself with enough excess to uproot myself. It's the damnedest thing, because in terms of position, this house is ridiculously well placed, since there is naught but 10 minutes of walking to campus.

[BFEL]

Note: I'm pretty much exactly the same as you. Though I suppose I managed it with less anxiety.

Basically, Meph has the right idea here. If you don't see your mold in society, then stop looking through the mold catalogue. Go out, explore, live.
And if you can't find a place in society that wants to let you do that? Cheat.

I'm currently trying to cobble together a higher education myself. I don't have either the money or patience for any college or university, so I decided to do something novel. I'm just going to buy a bunch of college textbooks and teach myself Cataclysm style.

This obviously isn't for everyone, and its equally obviously not going to look good on any resume's, but I don't give a shit about that. I want the knowledge, so I will fucking take the knowledge in the most efficient way possible to me.

Once I have that, well I'll have a few more tools to achieve those nebulous goals of mine, now won't I?

The world isn't black and white, its not a singular obvious path. Take risks, veer off the path. And you should probably read Xkcd. Its quite insightful and optimistic.