November 26th 2014
A fence gate was open. Police constable Ian (You know, the only police constable on the Isle of Brint) suggests it may have been the wind, but does not rule out those youths hanging about by the community center. He does not want to get into case details, but his wife claims "that bitch Jacquline's scumbag son" may be related.
Jacquline Clement, mother of two (One of which may or may not be a fence-opening yobbo), has recently made a batch of cookies. Our resident food critic, Wilber Monthly, has tried them out. Apparently, they are lovely. Good job, Jacquline!
Local author Irene Grewder has officially announced her new book, "Why The Isle of Brint is a Big Pile of Sh*t". Originally well liked by our resident literary critic Wilber Monthly for her stirring descriptions of the Isle of Brint, Irene moved from the Isle when her book "Gosh, the Isle of Brint Is Just Lovely, Isn't It?" was released. After this, she took an extremely anti-Brint stance, as proven by her latest book.
November 31st 2014
Shocking developments in Fencegate! After rigorous interrogation (In which police constable Ian had to resort to shouting and cursing mildly), one of the youths mentioned they had been making fun of the fence for quite some time. After questioning by intrepid reporter John Dungewitch, he said in a private statement (Well, it was in that cafe that does the lovely steak, but it was empty apart from old Joe on the karoke machine and he doesn't really pay attention when he's singing Tears for Fears) that he and his friends had "repeatedly insulted the gate", "never really liked it being there in the first place", and in general "took the p*ss out of it on a regular basis, really". Ian said he is on the case.
Mayor Michael Esther's house door was left open last night. Believing this to be a escalation of the wave of door/gate opening, panic struck the island causing almost £5.32 pounds of property damage and a sprained wrist. Michael Esther later called an emergency press conference to put the claims to rest. In fact, he had accidentally left the door open while walking outside to look at the beautiful Aurora Borealis and "get p*ssed on Tesco cooking gin".
Local gay man Derek Habsmitch was asked if he was planning on opening a line of fashion products. He had no comment, excluding the ones that were rude and extremely uncalled for.
December 2nd 2014
As is traditional, Santa Claus came to Isle of Brint today. What wasn't traditional was that he was meant to come on Christmas Eve and not December 2nd. Since Santa Claus is really Mayor Michael Esther with a fake beard and pillows strapped to his gaunt frame, the Isle of Brint News has no fear in blowing the whistle on the fact that Mayor Michael Esther is a shite Santa. Perhaps if he would stop drinking he wouldn't show up 23 days early and throw up all over poor little Timothy Clement's shoes.
Fencegate continues to elude police constable Ian. He has asked for reinforcements from the mainland, which would include a K9 unit, an armed assault squad, and two helicopters equipped with searchlights. When asked why he would need this when no actual crime was commited, he stated "Uuuuh" and then fled from the only phonebox in the Isle of Brint. When asked about it, he asked reporters to go away.
Local character Jan Jugermund has decided to indulge his Finnish heritage by imitating his hero, Simo "White Death" Häyhä. One of the top snipers during the Finnish Winter War, Jan is honoring his memory by dressing up like him and firing a scoped BB gun at anyone unfortunate enough to have to pass by his house. Please don't go anywhere near Churchill Drive unless you want to get your eye shot out by a mad Finnish fisherman.
December 9th 2014
Revelations in Fencegate! What seemed like a mere "open and run" case of hooliganism has turned out to be a failed gate heist! "We believe that the youths attempted to remove the gate from the fence at dawn," said police constable Ian in an official press conference. "Due to the fact they had no equipment or training in removing gates, we assume they gave up after five or ten minutes of struggling then left the gate open." The perfect crime... almost. When asked what was going to happen to the youths, police constable Ian admitted that they had nothing to charge them with and they would probably walk if there was a trial. "Still," he said in a closing statement. "Nice to have all that sorted out."
Local lesbian (or bisexual) Anne Anagram was seen knitting today. Intrepid reporter John Dungewitch was on the scene to investigate lesbian (or bisexual) knitting. Apparently it's about the same as regular knitting, if slightly sexier for some reason. When asked if all lesbians (or bisexuals) knitted, Anne Anagram replied "not all of them, probably". In related news, we were thinking of starting an "LGBT" section of the news to replace our failing "nightlife" section. While the Isle of Brint's thriving but small LGBT community holds steady at three people, we believe there may be an audience for such an endeavour.
Our resident food critic Wilber Monthly has suddenly turned his back on Jacqueline Clement's supposedly "fantastic" baking. In his latest review, he writes that her flour was "salty" and her chocolate "slightly runny". What a scandal! We shall report on this controversial story as it comes.
Off topic, but... I think I could get used to writing these. It's almost like a reverse Night Vale: normal stuff completely overblown.
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Topic: The Abusive Policing Thread: Beyond Brown, No Justice (Read 445220 times)